Another Fathers day approaches and we need to find a way to celebrate you and remember you. I can't begin to imagine the conversations we could have to just talk for one day. So much has happened again this year. I feel proud of how far we have come. I have worked to create a life for the boys and I that helps us to thrive and live life to its greatest potential. I've missed you so many times. The holidays have normalized and no longer are emotional roller coasters but still, at times have brought on unexpected overwhelming grief. The times I miss you the most are in the parenting moments where I need support. Both boys have had their stages where I felt a loss to know how to support them, to know how to help them. I miss all the ways you supported me by affirming me. So often you brought my emotional world back into balance. I loved how we could discuss alternatives and really work through problems to find the best solution. I'm learning how to find that balance on my own now. I'm coming to see more and more everyday that although our world doesn't come close to look like it would if you were alive, it's still a good life!
Sometimes I find myself feeling frustrated by the continued struggles I still cope with daily. It's become easier as I have learned how to compensate in building new skills and relying on others to help when I'm insufficient. However, I've really come to understand that raising a family really was never designed for just one person.And although there has been countless losses there has been many blessings. Although at times our world may shine less bright there are times we see the world brighter than we ever had before. I have new eyes and new heart now. I live harder and love deeper.
My greatest heart break is still my boys loss. You were such an incredible father and I can see there lives are still touched by this today. Some days the boys really just need a hug or to hear that you love them and are proud of them. But most days I know they still feel so incredibly loved by you. They remember all the ways you were good to them. They will forever have that. And although seeing you as an angel that watches over them is often not enough. It's still a good life!
Gord we have a bench now to honor your memory. It lays at the board walk. It's so easy to feel your presence there. I'm so grateful to have this way to remember you. You are such a big part of our hearts, such a big part of our story. Although our story on earth ended earlier than we expected, we know that are story together continues forever.
I use to sometimes worry that if I wasn't thinking about you, that I would forget you but now I know....thoughts fade, but love doesn't. I will always love you. For Father's day Gord, I give you a promise....that for the boys I will always live life well....it will always be a good life! I know that is the greatest gift I can give you.
Love Jen
This Sunday members of Gords family and my little family will be placing the plaque on the bench. It lays at the bottom of the first hill at Maxwell lake parking lot before you start the board walk. Please feel free to visit the bench and remember Gordon.
