I can look behind me now and see all the mountains I've climbed, all the trials I have faced, all the gifts and blessings along the way. There are many days now I feel like I've become more rather than less from this journey.
Recently, it seems like I have entered another phase of the active grieving process....daily. It's unexpected, changed and new. It's so raw and so deep. I've read many times as well have learned from my councillor that the active grieving process for a young widows is on average two years. I'm approaching this mark. It's hard to believe there may be a door I can walk through that will lead to a life that is less painful. It's become a new normal for me. I've really adapted to the process...but I definitely would be happy to move beyond it. My grief no longer overwhelms me, no longer shocks me or trips me....but rather visits me. It appears gently and I recognize it so clearly. The grief really seems to open me up emotionally....it washes me. The depth of my emotional experience is new.
Today I went for acupuncture, she is also a dear friend. One of the things she commented on was my shen. She said my shen was very good. I asked her to clarify....she said my eye shine and glow is amazing and not commonly found in those who have experienced a trauma. She said the healing I've gone through is truly amazing and that it is evident that I have really leaned into the process. It was so affirming to hear her say this. It has been tremendously difficult to be present to the process....but the rewards are consistent and I continue to face the pain knowing that there is healing on the other side.
After I left my appointment I stopped to get coffee and a snack. Beside me stood a young boy around 8 or 9. Along his side was his dad. I couldn't help but over hear their conversation. The boy had a glow...as if he was talking to his super hero. I could tell he hung off every word and expression his dad gave him. It was obvious to me the dad was quite taken by his son too. I kind of just found myself wanting to bask in their interaction. To me it was amazing....I saw something so brilliant....a bond between a son and father.
Allowing myself to go there also ripped my heart open. I realized that I am still devastated by my boys loss. Gord was such an amazing dad. It was one my favourite parts of Gord...seeing him love my boys as much as I did. I miss seeing their glow in their interactions. It's a void I can't fill for them...it's a loss I can't save them from. Somehow I can see his influence in them...I can see that he still parents them. They knew him....they remember him...he is forever a part of them.
If I can find any consolation is this loss....it's that Gord did love us all so well. My boys remember that...and will always carry that. They are also still so well loved today by so many. I've been in Edmonton for over a week, Everyday has been full of family love for my boys. I can see how it gives them that glow.
I came home in tears from my appointment. My mom held me and reminded me that my boys show a glow all the time. She reminded me that my love for them makes them glow too.
I'm still mourning losses...I'm still having to let go of ideals. Accepting that the ideal wasn't part of the plan....is the hardest part. However, I'm discovering that despite our losses we still are rich with life, love and blessings. The life I live now is not quite what I had imagined..., it's not the ideal....but it's still surprisingly beautiful...I know that is how Gord would want us to see it.
I also think grief always brings new perspective and appreciation. I feel reminded to appreciate the special relationships in my life and remember to appreciate the glow we bring to each other. My boys lost their father much earlier than most....I'm sure like me someday it will seem like they gained more than they lost too. I already see so much resilience and empathy in them, they are brave and they are strong. We will all grow from this.
