I'm in
agony
After 2
1/2 years I still have days where I feel like my heart has been shred into
pieces ...and it grips me beyond my own understanding ....it
pulls me into a place where I wonder if I'll come back ....that place where you
feel like you could drown in emotional turmoil .
But ...it
doesn't consume me forever !!!!!
It does
drain me ...
But then
I always have this moment ...where I realise that
I'm OK ...I've survived ....over and over I have survived! .
It's hard
accepting it all ....the loss ...all the loss ...the dreams ...the love !
But I
have ...I have also accepted it over and over again !!!!!
I accept
it because I know my life has a greater purpose then spending
my life mourning a loss I can't change. Mourning doesn't bring
him back. I have a greater purpose to honour him... to carry him with me...to
bring his life to others. I honour him by living life as best as I can
....he wanted us to be happy...to be fulfilled, to be satisfied.
I am!
I feel so
sad for my kids loss ....there is no replacement ...I can't fill their void . I
know they will go on to have rich ...full lives ..I know we are more fortunate
than most ...I also see we have gained so much from our loss ...I know we
get to see the world with new eyes ...I know we have a deeper appreciation for
what we have because of what we loss. I know we have deeper compassion ...I
know we are wiser...live life bigger ...and have more to offer because of
what we have loss ...
I get how
small things matter ...
I appreciate men on a deeper level...
I
appreciate their voice ...their strength
I love how men are grounding ...objective ...rational
I love
how men need purpose ...need challenge
I love
how men are driven
I love
how a males presence can fill a room
I want a
male presence in my home
Tomorrow we
have a tradition ...
We will
send up balloons with cards attached. They will go up to heaven ! My boys
were excited this week ...to make cards for their dad. This use to be a really
hard time for them ...now they are excited ...but my heart still breaks
...because Gord loved them in a way that was so perfect ! I miss seeing that
....
So
all...in all ...
I have a
beautiful life ...it's a beautiful world ...my heart still breaks for my loss
....but the loss helps me to see how precious life is ...how amazing everything
is ...how even the greatest loss can bring the greatest gains ...
What we
lose in love we gain in perspective...in living life well.... live life
well!
