Comfortable Silence

Time flies....

Somehow our hearts seem to not keep up with time. My mind can still travel to places and experiences of the past as if it was yesterday.....but what's been happening lately, is instead of feeling like it was yesterday... it feels like today!

Earlier this week, and on a beautiful summer evening I had a new experience. The air was slightly humid and and it was just the ideal comfortable temperature with a slight breeze....It was a perfect summer night. The boys and I had just finished dinner, the boys went below to the trampoline. I could hear their joy and laughter.  I remained  on the deck...I had a glass of wine............I put my feet up.. and glanced a magazine as I texted with a few friends. I basked in the beautiful scenery and the sounds of summer. I was content.. I was at peace...I felt full.

I went inside for a minute and then all of sudden I found my mind believing that Gord was in the bathroom. It wasn't like experiencing his presence. it wasn't like a dream.... I just believed he was there. I felt as though he was going to join me on the deck. I loved the feeling that it gave me... it all felt so familiar.

But it wasn't real... the feeling left...he left

I shared this experience with my counsellor. She seemed happy for me... but I felt a sadness.. Because when the feeling left that night.. I was left with a feeling of loss again..

She replied that I experienced Gord in that way because my normal now is familiar to the normal then.... I'm returning to the same emotional well being.

This morning I experienced those feelings again. I was sitting on the couch in the living room with my feet on the couch...leaning against the side. I was sipping coffee...just reading. I glanced up and could easily imagine Gord sitting at the kitchen table. I could picture him at his computer... reading. It just felt normal... I felt peaceful.

It felt as though we were having comfortable silence.

I love that feeling...of being just being together...

This time I felt no sadness... I just wanted to share..

Right before Gord passed we were both considering masters programs. We both read so much we thought it could be a productive of being together.

This morning I found myself imagining what our lives would be like if he was still here......it wasn't that hard to do.

But then I looked at myself and saw what I've become instead....

I'm starting to get into the best shape of my life, I am surrounded by healthy relationships. My boys are thriving in so many ways.  I have a new depth in my perception of life. I live life differently. I live with a lot of vitality. I live life well! I have a new appreciation for the little things that touch our lives everyday... because I know in the end...its what matters the most. I gravitate towards the positive.

Today I miss comfortable silence...but today I also felt like I had it with someone who is still such a big part of my heart....it's as if he is still here today....sharing in my life.

Comfortable Silence

Time flies....

Somehow our hearts seem to not keep up with time. My mind can still travel to places and experiences of the past as if it was yesterday.....but what's been happening lately, is instead of feeling like it was yesterday... it feels like today!

Earlier this week, and on a beautiful summer evening I had a new experience. The air was slightly humid and and it was just the ideal comfortable temperature with a slight breeze....It was a perfect summer night. The boys and I had just finished dinner, the boys went below to the trampoline. I could hear their joy and laughter.  I remained  on the deck...I had a glass of wine............I put my feet up.. and glanced a magazine as I texted with a few friends. I basked in the beautiful scenery and the sounds of summer. I was content.. I was at peace...I felt full.

I went inside for a minute and then all of sudden I found my mind believing that Gord was in the bathroom. It wasn't like experiencing his presence. it wasn't like a dream.... I just believed he was there. I felt as though he was going to join me on the deck. I loved the feeling that it gave me... it all felt so familiar.

But it wasn't real... the feeling left...he left

I shared this experience with my counsellor. She seemed happy for me... but I felt a sadness.. Because when the feeling left that night.. I was left with a feeling of loss again..

She replied that I experienced Gord in that way because my normal now is familiar to the normal then.... I'm returning to the same emotional well being.

This morning I experienced those feelings again. I was sitting on the couch in the living room with my feet on the couch...leaning against the side. I was sipping coffee...just reading. I glanced up and could easily imagine Gord sitting at the kitchen table. I could picture him at his computer... reading. It just felt normal... I felt peaceful.

It felt as though we were having comfortable silence.

I love that feeling...of being just being together...

This time I felt no sadness... I just wanted to share..

Right before Gord passed we were both considering masters programs. We both read so much we thought it could be a productive of being together.

This morning I found myself imagining what our lives would be like if he was still here......it wasn't that hard to do.

But then I looked at myself and saw what I've become instead....

I'm starting to get into the best shape of my life, I am surrounded by healthy relationships. My boys are thriving in so many ways.  I have a new depth in my perception of life. I live life differently. I live with a lot of vitality. I live life well! I have a new appreciation for the little things that touch our lives everyday... because I know in the end...its what matters the most. I gravitate towards the positive.

Today I miss comfortable silence...but today I also felt like I had it with someone who is still such a big part of my heart....it's as if he is still here today....sharing in my life.