Your Hearts are Big Enough for Both

This morning I felt a little tug on my heart....

It's Father's Day this weekend..... I'm with someone new now. How do I do this? How do my kids do this? How does Jeff do this?

Beyond deciding how to celebrate?

My heart feels overwhelmed...

A part of me still feels the heart break ... the loss. Especially recently....Noah seems to be really grappling with the reality of the loss of his dad. The reality is setting in... It's really hitting him that his dad is really gone ....forever ! What that must be like for a 7 year old boy... Is beyond my understanding .  Meanwhile... Jeff has become like a dad to him.

Jeff has really become a significant part of our lives... I can feel overjoyed with how much life Jeff has breathed back into my family. We get that warm family feeling all the time now.  And after 5 years of doing so much just the 3 of us, it feels so amazing to have those dreams come back to life. In the same moment my heart can still feel the loss .... the absence.... the void of Gord's passing.

Its like my heart is in two places at the same time.

It reminds me of 2nd Christmas that Gord was gone. We were together as a family........I can remember the joy I felt being surrounded by loved ones..... It was such a rich full feeling ....feeling so blessed and feeling that huge absence....that heavy drop in my gut ....all  at the same time.

I can remember sharing these feelings with my counsellor and expressing how mind blowing it was to experience such highs and lows at the same time. She told me I was experiencing the heights of being human.... the great emotional spectrum....

I'm having the same experience lately.....and it's hard to make sense of it all.

With fathers day approaching, I just told my boys I understand if this holiday feels confusing for them...because I feel confused as well.

I told them all I have figured out..... is it's ok to love both. Our hearts are big enough to love both. I told them I know what it feels like to miss dad and love Jeff at the same time. I told them just like as a mom I have enough love to love both of my boys fully....I've come to see its the same with Gord and Jeff... my heart is big enough for both.

I think the 3 or us thought that if someone special came around the void could be filled.....but it turns out................nothing can fill the void, nor do we want it to.  The void is Gord, he was special to us and we want to remember that.

Someone once told me..........Jen the void will never go away..... so don't try to fill it......just learn to build a good life around it.

So its's true.... our hearts are big enough to love two people. We will always miss Gord. Our lives are full again of wonderful people and many blessings. Joy and sadness can always exist at the same time.......because they are both expressions of love. We have built a beautiful life around our loss ....and will continue to do so. The loss can never change but out ability to have rich fulfilling lives is a  choice we will continue to make.

GET FED UP!!!!!

Get Fed Up!!!....and get inspired!

So...it's been a while since I've written here. I've actually been craving it like you wouldn't believe. I've been writing....but its like I had too much to write about, too much to sort through. My writing ran in circles....it didn't make sense. But I decided to keep trying. This morning I woke up and decided.....today I was going to write...today I was going to write and I wanted it to be helpful.

It was amazing.....it was like insights started flooding my brain. I started taking notes...I started getting the kids ready for school and I would get more insights....so I  added them to my notes...

So here it is...first time in forever.

I'm writing today.... and its going to be helpful.

I'm in a rut. I've been in a rut for a long time now. I've been wondering through life feeling dissatisfied, unfulfilled.....wanting more and never really even coming close to what to what I need ...what I think I want. For months I've fallen under the clouds of discouragement and disappointment. I've lacked motivation, I cared...but not enough.

I chose to substitute teach this year. All the jobs coming available were full time. In my heart I knew it's more than I can handle. It would be a disservice to the students and my own children to take on those demands. I would compromise my kids quality of life and my own balance. I know it wouldn't serve my family and I . But I need more.......

I'm restless....I want to be challenged and stimulated. There is that balance to be stimulated but not to be stressed...

I want a relationship with a man.... I want to a constant.... a best friend...a lover....I want to feel close to someone again. I want to experience that joy again...it was the most rewarding and gratifying relationship of my life.

I've been trying...but  I live in a small town... and ofcourse the thing about finding love.....it you cant just snap your fingers.....love just happens!. I learned alot in my search...but I didn't find what I was looking for....

So I've been banging my head against the wall trying to fix the restlessness, the desire for companionship....and recently ...life challenges started to take its toll......

But today I am thankful for the hard lessons....

Because sometimes its the hardest lessons that propel us the furthest..

Recently something inside me has changed!

A couple of weeks ago ... I looked through albums....what it reminded me of....

It reminded me when Gord was alive we had it figured out. We had priorities,,, we had purpose...we had fulfilment. I could see the strength he brought me...the unconditional love he had for me and for family...I needed that to be.... to breathe

He still is that strength inside me...that constant ...that love! I have that to anchor to...

Whats going through my mind lately ....for lack of a better word is " That's Enough!"

Sometimes I resent my emotions ...because they can be all consuming and can feel like they steal me from life and hold me hostage. They can feel as though they overwhelm me and suffocate me..... but the great thing about emotions is they can drive us....they are the fire that lives in us......that can launch us into change.....into transformation.

I got fed Up!

I'm done! I'm done with feeling sad, feeling discouraged and disappointed. I'm done with feeling listless, empty and lonely.... I'm done!

I'm done waiting for life to happen......for my purpose to show up for my love to show up! I'm done!

That's Enough!

I'm done with feeling unsatisfied , I'm done with  feeling unfulfilled... I'm done!

What I thought I wanted....

I thought I wanted to avoid being alone, I was feeling a lack of importance, a lack of purpose. I thought I needed a man, a sense of achievement, recognition. I can feel like I always need to be doing something. I feel like I  need to be interesting.....

But all that serves my ego and not my heart

What my heart desires...

I want to make a difference, I want to be a positive impact in my children's lives, I want to help others to be happy and fulfilled in their dreams...their hopes. I want intimacy in relationships...I want to feel connected to others.... I want to feel passion...I simply want to  love..feel loved, worthy and valued.

I am

So....I got fed up and I decided to no longer wait...to no longer be run by my fears but rather let my emotions to propel me....to fill me.... to get back to  a place where I invest in myself so I'm able to invest in others. I'm just going to ahead and be happy anyways. Be happy today! Be happy with all that I have and use what I already have to create a happy life. I've been putting my energies into finding a man....which has really just left me with less...it's been a distraction from what truly matters to me.

I've decided to put my energies back into my children, my relationships and myself. I'm building myself.....because I know the greatest joy we actually experience as humans is when we can bring life and joy to others. It is then that we feel love, valuable, worthy and needed....

We all are Valuable...we need each other....it can be as simple as bringing someone a smile...let them know you thought about them, letting them you appreciate them....simply just taking an interest in them. If I have learned anything from losing Gord...from losing it all.... is that people matter....life matters! I've been getting more involved with my own kids...they are amazing...they are my purpose!

So...  I got fed up! I woke up! I'm ready to claim my life and my happiness.

Comfortable Silence

Time flies....

Somehow our hearts seem to not keep up with time. My mind can still travel to places and experiences of the past as if it was yesterday.....but what's been happening lately, is instead of feeling like it was yesterday... it feels like today!

Earlier this week, and on a beautiful summer evening I had a new experience. The air was slightly humid and and it was just the ideal comfortable temperature with a slight breeze....It was a perfect summer night. The boys and I had just finished dinner, the boys went below to the trampoline. I could hear their joy and laughter.  I remained  on the deck...I had a glass of wine............I put my feet up.. and glanced a magazine as I texted with a few friends. I basked in the beautiful scenery and the sounds of summer. I was content.. I was at peace...I felt full.

I went inside for a minute and then all of sudden I found my mind believing that Gord was in the bathroom. It wasn't like experiencing his presence. it wasn't like a dream.... I just believed he was there. I felt as though he was going to join me on the deck. I loved the feeling that it gave me... it all felt so familiar.

But it wasn't real... the feeling left...he left

I shared this experience with my counsellor. She seemed happy for me... but I felt a sadness.. Because when the feeling left that night.. I was left with a feeling of loss again..

She replied that I experienced Gord in that way because my normal now is familiar to the normal then.... I'm returning to the same emotional well being.

This morning I experienced those feelings again. I was sitting on the couch in the living room with my feet on the couch...leaning against the side. I was sipping coffee...just reading. I glanced up and could easily imagine Gord sitting at the kitchen table. I could picture him at his computer... reading. It just felt normal... I felt peaceful.

It felt as though we were having comfortable silence.

I love that feeling...of being just being together...

This time I felt no sadness... I just wanted to share..

Right before Gord passed we were both considering masters programs. We both read so much we thought it could be a productive of being together.

This morning I found myself imagining what our lives would be like if he was still here......it wasn't that hard to do.

But then I looked at myself and saw what I've become instead....

I'm starting to get into the best shape of my life, I am surrounded by healthy relationships. My boys are thriving in so many ways.  I have a new depth in my perception of life. I live life differently. I live with a lot of vitality. I live life well! I have a new appreciation for the little things that touch our lives everyday... because I know in the end...its what matters the most. I gravitate towards the positive.

Today I miss comfortable silence...but today I also felt like I had it with someone who is still such a big part of my heart....it's as if he is still here today....sharing in my life.

Comfortable Silence

Time flies....

Somehow our hearts seem to not keep up with time. My mind can still travel to places and experiences of the past as if it was yesterday.....but what's been happening lately, is instead of feeling like it was yesterday... it feels like today!

Earlier this week, and on a beautiful summer evening I had a new experience. The air was slightly humid and and it was just the ideal comfortable temperature with a slight breeze....It was a perfect summer night. The boys and I had just finished dinner, the boys went below to the trampoline. I could hear their joy and laughter.  I remained  on the deck...I had a glass of wine............I put my feet up.. and glanced a magazine as I texted with a few friends. I basked in the beautiful scenery and the sounds of summer. I was content.. I was at peace...I felt full.

I went inside for a minute and then all of sudden I found my mind believing that Gord was in the bathroom. It wasn't like experiencing his presence. it wasn't like a dream.... I just believed he was there. I felt as though he was going to join me on the deck. I loved the feeling that it gave me... it all felt so familiar.

But it wasn't real... the feeling left...he left

I shared this experience with my counsellor. She seemed happy for me... but I felt a sadness.. Because when the feeling left that night.. I was left with a feeling of loss again..

She replied that I experienced Gord in that way because my normal now is familiar to the normal then.... I'm returning to the same emotional well being.

This morning I experienced those feelings again. I was sitting on the couch in the living room with my feet on the couch...leaning against the side. I was sipping coffee...just reading. I glanced up and could easily imagine Gord sitting at the kitchen table. I could picture him at his computer... reading. It just felt normal... I felt peaceful.

It felt as though we were having comfortable silence.

I love that feeling...of being just being together...

This time I felt no sadness... I just wanted to share..

Right before Gord passed we were both considering masters programs. We both read so much we thought it could be a productive of being together.

This morning I found myself imagining what our lives would be like if he was still here......it wasn't that hard to do.

But then I looked at myself and saw what I've become instead....

I'm starting to get into the best shape of my life, I am surrounded by healthy relationships. My boys are thriving in so many ways.  I have a new depth in my perception of life. I live life differently. I live with a lot of vitality. I live life well! I have a new appreciation for the little things that touch our lives everyday... because I know in the end...its what matters the most. I gravitate towards the positive.

Today I miss comfortable silence...but today I also felt like I had it with someone who is still such a big part of my heart....it's as if he is still here today....sharing in my life.

Greatest Loss brings Greatest Gains

I'm in agony 

After 2 1/2 years I still have days where I feel like my heart has been shred into pieces ...and it grips me beyond  my own understanding ....it pulls me into a place where I wonder if I'll come back ....that place where you feel like you could drown in emotional turmoil . 

But ...it doesn't consume me forever !!!!!

It does drain me ...

But then I always have this moment ...where I realise that I'm OK ...I've survived ....over and over I have survived! . 

It's hard accepting it all ....the loss ...all the loss ...the dreams ...the love ! 

But I have ...I have also accepted it over and over again !!!!!

I accept it because I know my life has a greater purpose then spending my life mourning a loss I can't change. Mourning doesn't bring him back. I have a greater purpose to honour him... to carry him with me...to bring his life to others. I honour him by living life as best as I can ....he wanted us to be happy...to be fulfilled, to be satisfied. I am!

I feel so sad for my kids loss ....there is no replacement ...I can't fill their void . I know they will go on to have rich ...full lives ..I know we are more fortunate than most ...I also see we have gained so much from our loss ...I know we get to see the world with new eyes ...I know we have a deeper appreciation for what we have because of what we loss. I know we have deeper compassion ...I know we are wiser...live life bigger ...and have more to offer because of what we have loss ...

I get how small things matter ...

I appreciate men on a deeper level...

I appreciate their voice ...their strength 

I love how men are grounding ...objective ...rational 

I love how men need purpose ...need challenge 

I love how men are driven 

I love how a males presence can fill a room

I want a male presence in my home 

Tomorrow we have a tradition ...

We will send up balloons with cards attached. They will go up to heaven ! My boys were excited this week ...to make cards for their dad. This use to be a really hard time for them ...now they are excited ...but my heart still breaks ...because Gord loved them in a way that was so perfect ! I miss seeing that ....

So all...in all ...

I have a beautiful life ...it's a beautiful world ...my heart still breaks for my loss ....but the loss helps me to see how precious life is ...how amazing everything is ...how even the greatest loss can bring the greatest gains ...

What we lose in love we gain in perspective...in living life well.... live life well!

Epic Movie! Epic Life!

This morning I am having my moments of solitude...

This time in my day has become like breathing to me....it's my fresh breath. I need it now...I need solitude.....its the food for my soul. I notice that if I don't find time to be quiet....I will become restless...irritable. Before the loss of Gord I avoided time alone, I felt uncomfortable, like a loner. Now I relish in this time.

I started to reflect on the day ahead and had many thoughts surface. Today I am taking my boys to see the new Star Wars movie. There is a buzz in the house. I began to realize that today could be one those magical memorable moments in their childhood. I remember when I saw my first Star Wars movie. I remember being in awe... filled with excitement and hanging off my seat in the moments of battle. I remember falling in love with characters, wanting to be certain characters. I remember shocking plot twists that blew my mind. The music was epic, the filming was out of  this world amazing!

Star Wars is epic!

Today I am taking my boys to Star Wars!

Today I am reliving my childhood and sharing a new epic experience with my boys!

What is also epic is parenting. I'm really beginning to see the joy in reliving my childhood....to see the world through child's eyes. My boys remind me how simple life can be. Parenting is finally becoming the way I pictured it....the way I imagined it would be........the way I use to dream it would be.

It's getting easier!

This morning I noticed my house is clean, my laundry is done and the fridge is full. I got to sleep until 8:30. All I have ahead today is a day with family. I have arrived! I can see that this is the time in my family life where my boys can easily jump in the vehicle and are thrilled to spend a day with their mom.....this might not last forever. There are no more bottles, diapers, planning in naps, no more temper tantrums....I can have day trip to Jasper and it's nothing but family time......

So....here I am writing for the first time in months. I am writing today because I feel inspired to be a parent...and I'm anticipating to be inspired by a film that was memorable in my childhood and will most likely be a memorable film in my boys childhood. I am also writing because I took a moment to observe life and appreciate what today has to offer....also observing how far my family has come helps me to appreciate where my life is today!

Happy Sunday! Happy reflections!

Brilliant Glow

I can look behind me now and see all the mountains I've climbed, all the trials I have faced, all the gifts and blessings along the way. There are many days now I feel like I've become more rather than less from this journey.

Recently, it seems like I have entered another phase of the active grieving process....daily. It's unexpected, changed and new. It's so raw and so deep. I've read many times as well have learned from my councillor that the active grieving process for a young widows is on average two years. I'm approaching this mark. It's hard to believe there may be a door I can walk through that will lead to a life that is less painful. It's become a new normal for me. I've really adapted to the process...but I definitely would be happy to move beyond it. My grief no longer overwhelms me, no longer shocks me or trips me....but rather visits me. It appears gently and I recognize it so clearly. The grief really seems to open me up emotionally....it washes me. The depth of my emotional experience is new.

Today I went for acupuncture, she is also a dear friend. One of the things she commented on was my shen. She said my shen was very good. I asked her to clarify....she said my eye shine and glow is amazing and not commonly found in those who have experienced a trauma. She said the healing I've gone through is truly amazing and that it is evident that I have really leaned into the process. It was so affirming to hear her say this. It has been tremendously difficult to be present to the process....but the rewards are consistent and I continue to face the pain knowing that there is healing on the other side.

After I left  my appointment I stopped to get coffee and a snack. Beside me stood a young boy around 8 or 9. Along his side was his dad. I couldn't help but over hear their conversation. The boy had a glow...as if he was talking to his super hero. I could tell he hung off every word and expression his dad gave him. It was obvious to me the dad was quite taken by his son too. I kind of just found myself wanting to bask in their interaction. To me it was amazing....I saw something so brilliant....a bond between a son and father.

Allowing myself to go there also ripped my heart open. I realized that I am still devastated by my boys loss. Gord was such an amazing dad. It was one my favourite parts of Gord...seeing him love my boys as much as I did. I miss seeing their glow in their interactions. It's a void I can't fill for them...it's a loss I can't save them from. Somehow I can see his influence in them...I can see that he still parents them. They knew him....they remember him...he is forever a part of them.

If I can find any consolation is this loss....it's that Gord did love us all so well. My boys remember that...and will always carry that. They are also still so well loved today by so many. I've been in Edmonton for over a week, Everyday has been full of family love for my boys. I can see how it gives them that glow.

I came home in tears from my appointment. My mom held me and reminded me that my boys show a glow all the time. She reminded me that my love for them makes them glow too.

I'm still mourning losses...I'm still having to let go of ideals. Accepting that the ideal wasn't part of the plan....is the hardest part. However, I'm discovering that despite our losses we still are rich with life, love and blessings. The life I live now is not quite what I had imagined..., it's not the ideal....but it's still surprisingly beautiful...I know that is how Gord would want us to see it.

I also think grief always brings new perspective and appreciation. I feel reminded to appreciate the special relationships in my life and remember to appreciate the glow we bring to each other. My boys lost their father much earlier than most....I'm sure like me someday it will seem like they gained more than they lost too. I already see so much resilience and empathy in them, they are brave and they are strong. We will all grow from this.