GET FED UP!!!!!

Get Fed Up!!!....and get inspired!

So...it's been a while since I've written here. I've actually been craving it like you wouldn't believe. I've been writing....but its like I had too much to write about, too much to sort through. My writing ran in circles....it didn't make sense. But I decided to keep trying. This morning I woke up and decided.....today I was going to write...today I was going to write and I wanted it to be helpful.

It was amazing.....it was like insights started flooding my brain. I started taking notes...I started getting the kids ready for school and I would get more insights....so I  added them to my notes...

So here it is...first time in forever.

I'm writing today.... and its going to be helpful.

I'm in a rut. I've been in a rut for a long time now. I've been wondering through life feeling dissatisfied, unfulfilled.....wanting more and never really even coming close to what to what I need ...what I think I want. For months I've fallen under the clouds of discouragement and disappointment. I've lacked motivation, I cared...but not enough.

I chose to substitute teach this year. All the jobs coming available were full time. In my heart I knew it's more than I can handle. It would be a disservice to the students and my own children to take on those demands. I would compromise my kids quality of life and my own balance. I know it wouldn't serve my family and I . But I need more.......

I'm restless....I want to be challenged and stimulated. There is that balance to be stimulated but not to be stressed...

I want a relationship with a man.... I want to a constant.... a best friend...a lover....I want to feel close to someone again. I want to experience that joy again...it was the most rewarding and gratifying relationship of my life.

I've been trying...but  I live in a small town... and ofcourse the thing about finding love.....it you cant just snap your fingers.....love just happens!. I learned alot in my search...but I didn't find what I was looking for....

So I've been banging my head against the wall trying to fix the restlessness, the desire for companionship....and recently ...life challenges started to take its toll......

But today I am thankful for the hard lessons....

Because sometimes its the hardest lessons that propel us the furthest..

Recently something inside me has changed!

A couple of weeks ago ... I looked through albums....what it reminded me of....

It reminded me when Gord was alive we had it figured out. We had priorities,,, we had purpose...we had fulfilment. I could see the strength he brought me...the unconditional love he had for me and for family...I needed that to be.... to breathe

He still is that strength inside me...that constant ...that love! I have that to anchor to...

Whats going through my mind lately ....for lack of a better word is " That's Enough!"

Sometimes I resent my emotions ...because they can be all consuming and can feel like they steal me from life and hold me hostage. They can feel as though they overwhelm me and suffocate me..... but the great thing about emotions is they can drive us....they are the fire that lives in us......that can launch us into change.....into transformation.

I got fed Up!

I'm done! I'm done with feeling sad, feeling discouraged and disappointed. I'm done with feeling listless, empty and lonely.... I'm done!

I'm done waiting for life to happen......for my purpose to show up for my love to show up! I'm done!

That's Enough!

I'm done with feeling unsatisfied , I'm done with  feeling unfulfilled... I'm done!

What I thought I wanted....

I thought I wanted to avoid being alone, I was feeling a lack of importance, a lack of purpose. I thought I needed a man, a sense of achievement, recognition. I can feel like I always need to be doing something. I feel like I  need to be interesting.....

But all that serves my ego and not my heart

What my heart desires...

I want to make a difference, I want to be a positive impact in my children's lives, I want to help others to be happy and fulfilled in their dreams...their hopes. I want intimacy in relationships...I want to feel connected to others.... I want to feel passion...I simply want to  love..feel loved, worthy and valued.

I am

So....I got fed up and I decided to no longer wait...to no longer be run by my fears but rather let my emotions to propel me....to fill me.... to get back to  a place where I invest in myself so I'm able to invest in others. I'm just going to ahead and be happy anyways. Be happy today! Be happy with all that I have and use what I already have to create a happy life. I've been putting my energies into finding a man....which has really just left me with less...it's been a distraction from what truly matters to me.

I've decided to put my energies back into my children, my relationships and myself. I'm building myself.....because I know the greatest joy we actually experience as humans is when we can bring life and joy to others. It is then that we feel love, valuable, worthy and needed....

We all are Valuable...we need each other....it can be as simple as bringing someone a smile...let them know you thought about them, letting them you appreciate them....simply just taking an interest in them. If I have learned anything from losing Gord...from losing it all.... is that people matter....life matters! I've been getting more involved with my own kids...they are amazing...they are my purpose!

So...  I got fed up! I woke up! I'm ready to claim my life and my happiness.