Your Hearts are Big Enough for Both

This morning I felt a little tug on my heart....

It's Father's Day this weekend..... I'm with someone new now. How do I do this? How do my kids do this? How does Jeff do this?

Beyond deciding how to celebrate?

My heart feels overwhelmed...

A part of me still feels the heart break ... the loss. Especially recently....Noah seems to be really grappling with the reality of the loss of his dad. The reality is setting in... It's really hitting him that his dad is really gone ....forever ! What that must be like for a 7 year old boy... Is beyond my understanding .  Meanwhile... Jeff has become like a dad to him.

Jeff has really become a significant part of our lives... I can feel overjoyed with how much life Jeff has breathed back into my family. We get that warm family feeling all the time now.  And after 5 years of doing so much just the 3 of us, it feels so amazing to have those dreams come back to life. In the same moment my heart can still feel the loss .... the absence.... the void of Gord's passing.

Its like my heart is in two places at the same time.

It reminds me of 2nd Christmas that Gord was gone. We were together as a family........I can remember the joy I felt being surrounded by loved ones..... It was such a rich full feeling ....feeling so blessed and feeling that huge absence....that heavy drop in my gut ....all  at the same time.

I can remember sharing these feelings with my counsellor and expressing how mind blowing it was to experience such highs and lows at the same time. She told me I was experiencing the heights of being human.... the great emotional spectrum....

I'm having the same experience lately.....and it's hard to make sense of it all.

With fathers day approaching, I just told my boys I understand if this holiday feels confusing for them...because I feel confused as well.

I told them all I have figured out..... is it's ok to love both. Our hearts are big enough to love both. I told them I know what it feels like to miss dad and love Jeff at the same time. I told them just like as a mom I have enough love to love both of my boys fully....I've come to see its the same with Gord and Jeff... my heart is big enough for both.

I think the 3 or us thought that if someone special came around the void could be filled.....but it turns out................nothing can fill the void, nor do we want it to.  The void is Gord, he was special to us and we want to remember that.

Someone once told me..........Jen the void will never go away..... so don't try to fill it......just learn to build a good life around it.

So its's true.... our hearts are big enough to love two people. We will always miss Gord. Our lives are full again of wonderful people and many blessings. Joy and sadness can always exist at the same time.......because they are both expressions of love. We have built a beautiful life around our loss ....and will continue to do so. The loss can never change but out ability to have rich fulfilling lives is a  choice we will continue to make.