Exchange Sorrow for Joy

 

I've been trying to write lately. It's forced. It lacks that feeling of flow. There  is often a  rewarding feeling of letting go and allowing something beautiful to appear in front of me. My writing has been stifled because I was trying to change reality. I was wanting to find some beautiful deep truth beneath my pain. It's hard to find right now....so this piece may not be beautiful, it may be sad, dark and full of the emptiness and loss I am experiencing right now. My hopes is that somehow the reality of my pain and grief might help someone else to not feel so alone in their grief.

I feel alone. It appears although others don't relate to the depths of my pain. The challenges of  the weight of this season being a single mom, along with the heaviness of the grief and a broken heart are hard to express.  I am crumbling beneath it all at times, I feel like I'm falling, like I'm drowning. I 'm losing all strength. Ironically I'm sleeping more than ever and eating more than I should....I just continue to feel tired.

I've reduced my expectations and let go of many traditions that I have often done in the past. I've  held onto the traditions that were most important for my boys.

I knew setting up the tree was not only going to be challenging physically but I remembered the year prior it was one of the most painful acts I went through. Opening a box of beautiful ornaments becomes a box of grief triggers. The void is just so huge.  Gord's absence felt massive. The day prior to setting up the tree I contemplated whether or not it was necessary to set up the tree. I wondered if I could settle for a smaller tree, I wondered if a tree at grandmas and grandpas could be enough. I felt like shutting down. I wanted there to be a skip button for the season. I wanted to just run away and escape this reality...escape Christmas. There are so many Christmas tasks that are accomplished better, enjoyed more with a spouse. Wrapping presents, packing, planning, travelling, setting up trees, setting up Christmas lights, pictures with Santa, attending Christmas concerts and Christmas parties....

However....I reminded myself of my two little boys. I reminded myself that last year my motivation to carry through with Christmas traditions was not optional.... they had lost enough! I realized this is still true. I realized I want them to continue having positive new memories. Right now, Christmas is not a grief trigger for them. Christmas is still all about Santa, presents and the magic that Christmas brings. I think if I can be apart of creating these positive memories; then in years to come when the grief might appear, they will have all these positive memories to keep their spirits lighter and brighter.

At times I find all the bright colors and the music to be overstimulating. I found myself just staring at the tree for the first week after I set it up. I wasn't enjoying the beauty nor the nostalgia it often brings. I felt confused, numb and empty. I felt like I was in a dream I didn't belong in. The contrast of the beauty of Christmas and my broken heart wasn't connecting. I felt a disconnect. I felt absent. I felt invisible.

I have re-entered another phase or perhaps bout of grieving. It's disappointing and discouraging. I was feeling like I needed to find a place of rest instead a new storm has erupted. I feel ill, It's often debilitating. Like in times past, I have good days and bad days and for the most part...I know how to function with it, I know how to live with it.

I've had to adapt. I have had to accept that I've been reduced back to eating out and packaged meals. I have had to accept that I needed to find more care for my boys so that I had more breaks. I've had to accept that sometimes I will use the tv to have more space. I've had to accept that I'm in survival mode....and that my energies are going towards making  a special Christmas for my boys. It gives me focus and a reason to persevere with the pain, with the loss.

On my good days it feels rewarding. On my good days it all feels worth the hard work of pushing though. But everyday, whether is it a hard day or not I see my boys joy and excitement for the Christmas season. On my good days I see that exchanging my sorrow for their joy is worth it. This year I feel like I am doing mission work. This year I am dedicating the Christmas season to my boys, to my husband.

Gord always had an enthusiasm for Christmas. But his greatest excitement and joy came from watching his boys experience the magic. I believe Gord is in heaven, watching us and is a part or our lives. Although his absence, the void, the loss seems unbearable at times. I am reminded that Christmas is a time when heaven and earth join, where heaven and nature sing. I'm sure Gord is surrounded by angels watching his family, I want him to have a good show, I want him to be full of joy watching his boys embrace the magic of Christmas.

I carry a heavy burden this Christmas season, but it will get lighter again. I might not always feel the rewards today for putting my boys first, but I do believe the rewards will come and they will last a lifetime. A life time of Christmas memories to bless their little hearts.

We placed a Santa hat on the mantle, It was the same hat Gord wore in Christmas's past. The boys and I love seeing it there. It is a reminder to us that he was amazing part of lives and continues to be the most beautiful parts of our hearts. Sometimes his presence fills the room.

Writing this has helped me to breathe easier. The weight of this all feels lighter. At times it may feel like I'm cracking under Christmas but as long as I continue to walk this journey, as long as I  keep the faith that is a just a process, that it is a journey worth embarking....someday I will find my rest, someday the storm will pass.

I'm reminded of a quote I have on a plaque given to me after Gord passed. It is on the mantel.

" Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain."