Great Shock!

Lately I've been navigating a new trail in my mind. It's somewhat uncharted territory. Until now, I've been avoiding seeking this road. I've been visiting a space in my mind that holds those days and moments before, during and after the tragic death of Gord.

It's like I take a back seat and watch...observe my own mind...my memories. It is so difficult to watch. It's as if I am watching a horror movie, I  want to cover my eyes.... but a curiosity is stronger. I want to understand what happened. I'm ready to make sense of this.

I find myself contemplating what this event must of been like for other characters in the story.

At the onset of Gord's collapse I sent my parents a text. " Gord has had a heart attack. Please pray!"

They already had their vehicle packed because they had plans to go to the cabin.

By the time they received the news that Gord had not survived the heart attack they were already heading to Hinton. I wonder....

What was it like driving? What did they talk about? What were those 3 hours like for them?

I think about Gords parents, our siblings, our friends.....the shock...the absolute bomb that shook our worlds beyond comprehension.

I think about Gord, I think about how only a couple of  hours prior to his heart attack he was sharing a meal with us. He was sharing his day with us. He was so alive.

How does this happen?

I think about what that last hour must of been like for him. I can picture him at cross fit, sitting on the sidelines, drinking water and feeling awful. I wonder if he knew. I wonder if he had a sense of what was to come. I wonder what it was like driving home, feeling that way. I wonder what he was thinking and how terrified he must of been. Something was seriously wrong!

I can remember those last seconds before he collapsed. He had a terror I had never seen in him before. He looked like he was scared to death and like he could burst into tears. I have never felt so helpless.

I know none of this matters now. I know he is no longer suffering. But I love him so much.

I think about the 3 friends that came to the hospital within seconds of the news. I think how they so willingly, without hesitation....stayed with me and accompanied me to say good bye to Gord. I wonder what was it like for them, It meant so much to me...I don't even know where to begin to express my gratitude.

Somehow this is a true story! Somehow I have survived 16 months without Gord. Somehow I picked up the pieces, rebuilt a life that still holds meaning and love.

Sometimes the biggest shock is waking up and seeing that I am OK, that I can still be happy, that my boys can still have a full life. Not only have I survived this tragic loss but I can't help but count my blessings and find so many things to still be grateful for.

Last night at Taekwondo, we did punching drills with padding. Most practices emphasize kicking, so my punching skills are lacking. I kept mishitting the pads. It hurt. You learn quick! You'd think! I was really getting into it. It was fun! It felt good!

I felt a rush go through my hand. I glanced! My hand was shaking intensely and two fingers were swollen. The instructor sat me down and grabbed ice. He checked on me frequently and told me it appeared I was in shock. He grabbed me water. It hit me! It hit me with so much weight. My eyes began to well up. I couldn't help but remember this was what Gord's last minutes were like. He was on the sidelines, they were checking on him, they were giving him water. I couldn't shake these thoughts, these memories. My mind was spinning, trying to make sense of this. After 1/2 h, my hand stopped shaking, the swelling was gone and I had returned to a relaxed state. I realized that this event really did happen to Gord,....However,  it had not happened to me. I am so sorry Gord had to experience that. I am still devastated by the loss. However, I am alive, I have a beautiful life. It still boggles my mind that great loss and great joy can and do exist at the same time.

The real shock of this story.... sometimes, for me....is that I am still fully alive, fully living!

A Thousand Words!

A thousand words. I've heard the expression many times...a picture is worth a thousand words. This morning I was nominated to post my first ever profile picture on Facebook. This is it! I caught myself staring...gazing, wanting to go back.

This picture filled my mind. It opened a past, a journey, a story. In seconds, I remembered the day, the trip. I remembered the man in this picture. I starting missing Gord, our relationship. Then in disbelief, I remembered the day he died, my journey since he passed and where I am today.All this came to me in seconds.

I still catch myself often in disbelief. Did this really happen? Sometimes it still all feels like a bad dream and I wonder if I will ever wake up to the life I once knew. It pulls on the depths of my emotions looking at the truth, realizing reality. Realizing all that is lost!

Such a great picture of Gord, a great picture of us. It depicts Gord's great character, I see his content nature. He was carefree, yet so caring. He was fun, yet so responsible. He really was my best friend, a man I could share my whole heart with, my whole self with.

This picture reminds me how much fun we had together, how much we enjoyed each other. This was a picture of our first drink as we embarked on our honeymoon along the inside passage for an Alaskan cruise. This picture reminds me that we were both so passionate about the mountains, the outdoors, nature and adventure. This picture reminds me of the love we shared in the early stage of our relationship and how it only became deeper and fuller with time.

I'm still trying to piece the puzzle together, make sense of this all. It seemed like I waited so long to find this great person, a wonderful marriage... an amazing father. Why was it taken away from me?

Then it comes back to me...it doesn' t matter why! Getting stuck on the why....keeps me stuck in a place that has no answers.

Words of wisdom I once heard.

" It doesn't matter why, what is more important is how? and what?

How am I going to live with this? How am I going to grow from this? How am I going to use this? What am I going to learn from this? How is this going to make me stronger, a more evolved human being? How is this going to help me become a part of the human story?

There is so much in this life that can seem unfair, challenging and sometimes even life altering. Gord's death isn't the first time I've wondered why? Why did this happen to me?

Life happens! Everyday! Trials can be seen as a curse....or an opportunity to grow, learn, transform and become a more compassionate, loving individual.I can get stuck on the why....or I can focus on the how and the what. How am I going to best live this life?

Fresh Start

January has brought the relief I was hoping to find. My first travel experience as a single mom coupled with the Christmas season left my spirit riddled in stress and grief. I believed I was regressing. However,after discussions with my councillor I was reassured that my response to the Christmas season was in fact normal given the circumstances. She expressed that in many ways this Christmas was more representative of a first Christmas without Gord. Last year at this time I existed in a space of constant adrenaline, numbness and denial.

This year the shock had faded and the gravity of the loss hung over me. I responded at times by reentering  a state of shock. The immenseness of the reality was still too intense for me to fully experience. She encouraged me, suggesting that I still showed strength during a hard time and carried on with the season. I have really learned how to live with the pain and struggle of coping with the loss. She further explained that there are so many different ways to interpret the loss, so many different emotions to experience....there is still so much to process...

I look back on the trip to Mexico and Christmas and I see now...great memories. It wasn't easy but never the less...worth it!

My councillor directed me towards a  lesson that continues to emerge. This lesson is that the grief, the loss, the pain...doesn't have the last word. It doesn't take over, it doesn't drown me, consume me or control me. There are times where I wonder if it will. There are times where I wonder if this will be the time that I fold, that I give up...the time where a part of me is lost forever....in the loss. Evidently....that is not the case. I'm learning that I am OK,... that I will survive....that I always get back up, I will always continue.

Here I am now in January, a month that would normally be a low month for me. It is usually a month that feels long, often lacking sunshine and activity. In the past I can remember having cabin fever, feeling like winter is so long. However, that is not how I feel. I feel positive and energetic. I breathe easier waking up knowing that I have energy and the ability to keep up with life. It's feeling like a normal life again....A world that makes sense again.

I'm still learning how to go on without my husband, my partner, my best friend...my love. However, I'm also learning how to create a life that is still meaningful, rewarding and fulfilling. The contrast of enduring suffering along with the growth and returning to a life I once knew feels like a dream is coming true. A dream that I will heal, that my children will heal...that one day it will all be good again.

There is hoarfrost on the trees, it is cool...sunny, bright and beautiful. It is brisk! It is fresh! January is the fresh start I needed!