Fresh Start

January has brought the relief I was hoping to find. My first travel experience as a single mom coupled with the Christmas season left my spirit riddled in stress and grief. I believed I was regressing. However,after discussions with my councillor I was reassured that my response to the Christmas season was in fact normal given the circumstances. She expressed that in many ways this Christmas was more representative of a first Christmas without Gord. Last year at this time I existed in a space of constant adrenaline, numbness and denial.

This year the shock had faded and the gravity of the loss hung over me. I responded at times by reentering  a state of shock. The immenseness of the reality was still too intense for me to fully experience. She encouraged me, suggesting that I still showed strength during a hard time and carried on with the season. I have really learned how to live with the pain and struggle of coping with the loss. She further explained that there are so many different ways to interpret the loss, so many different emotions to experience....there is still so much to process...

I look back on the trip to Mexico and Christmas and I see now...great memories. It wasn't easy but never the less...worth it!

My councillor directed me towards a  lesson that continues to emerge. This lesson is that the grief, the loss, the pain...doesn't have the last word. It doesn't take over, it doesn't drown me, consume me or control me. There are times where I wonder if it will. There are times where I wonder if this will be the time that I fold, that I give up...the time where a part of me is lost forever....in the loss. Evidently....that is not the case. I'm learning that I am OK,... that I will survive....that I always get back up, I will always continue.

Here I am now in January, a month that would normally be a low month for me. It is usually a month that feels long, often lacking sunshine and activity. In the past I can remember having cabin fever, feeling like winter is so long. However, that is not how I feel. I feel positive and energetic. I breathe easier waking up knowing that I have energy and the ability to keep up with life. It's feeling like a normal life again....A world that makes sense again.

I'm still learning how to go on without my husband, my partner, my best friend...my love. However, I'm also learning how to create a life that is still meaningful, rewarding and fulfilling. The contrast of enduring suffering along with the growth and returning to a life I once knew feels like a dream is coming true. A dream that I will heal, that my children will heal...that one day it will all be good again.

There is hoarfrost on the trees, it is cool...sunny, bright and beautiful. It is brisk! It is fresh! January is the fresh start I needed!