All I Felt was His Life

Yesterday as I crammed in a grocery shop, it occurred to me that Valentines Day is this week. I grabbed a couple of valentines packs for my boys to give at class. I wondered...what day of the week is Valentines day. What should I do with my boys? My parents are coming for the weekend, right then and there I knew I didn't have to put to much more thought into it. Grandparents are one of their most favorite people. Their Valentines Day will be perfect!

What about myself ?  Hmmm, last year I remember the month brought many thoughts and feelings. I remember having a fun day planned with my boys and enjoying them,however I also remember feeling the grief and sadness beneath the surface. I remember a deep weight in my gut.

 I wondered....how do I feel this February?

I feel like I'm getting through the days. The boys have battled 3 bursts of colds, stomach flus, and infections. I've spent too many days at home for my liking....However, overall, I still feel like my head is above water. I have filled my life with many activities that keep me afloat, keep me moving forward, keeping me positive. It's not always pretty but I'm becoming confident that I can ride these waves.

I feel OK. I'm not ecstatic at the idea of not having my love for Valentines day. It kind of sucks to be single that day. But truth....I feel immense love from Gord. I don't feel unloved, unworthy or devalued. I feel incredibly loved, I love Gord more than I could of imagined considering it's been 17 months since I've seen his face or heard his voice.

In my previous blog, I explored reliving moments and memories around the time of  Gord's death,  Since then another memory surfaced and unfolded in front of me. It has more power than any trauma I witnessed or experienced. This memory is forever fixed in the core of my being. It is a gift!

I remembered the moments I spent with Gord, right after he had passed. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I had been sitting in a waiting room with friends trying to digest this concept that I was going to go say good bye to my husband. My now....dead husband. Dead for maybe 20 minutes. I was completely stunned, in shock....

For no other reason other than relying on the opinion of a doctor I trusted and respected we made our way to the surgery room.

Gord laid on his back covered with a blanket. his shirt was off. There was no sound, no movement....it was so quiet. There was this deep peace that filled the room. I left that stunned state and felt grounded, completely aware, completely myself. I felt a tranquillity that was so real, so freeing. Like a deep sense of knowing.

I've seen in movies, good byes to those who had passed.

I needed no words. For the first time in my life I realized that love is beyond words, beyond touch...beyond the living.

I knew there was nothing left unsaid or left undone. I knew our love was full.

There was an intense presence in the room like a rich aroma. He was in fact completely dead yet I knew that his spirit continued.

Eternal life had always been an abstract concept to me. At that moment I became connected with the truth about everlasting life. It is now a concrete understanding that will be forever ingrained in my soul. I had my hand on death but all I felt was his life.

I feel his life, his spirit. I feel loved!