Saturday Mourning Coffee

This morning  I  am running through my usual routine of drinking coffee, looking at Facebook, planning my days and reading books as the boys enjoy some down time with their IPADs. I can't help myself but remember what my Saturday mornings use to be like....

Last night a friend came over with ice cream to watch a movie. Most weekends I make an effort to get out at least one night on the weekend to keep my social tank somewhat filled. Although I thoroughly enjoy my nights out with friends,  last night was a reprieve. It was a fantastic change of pace to wear my sweats, and just enjoy the pleasures of discussions and friendship while taking in a good movie. I expressed my gratitude and told her how wonderful it felt to not be alone.  I further explained that I'm use to being alone now. It's not that difficult any more, however I couldn't believe how full the room seemed with her there. Watching a movie with a friend was more stimulating, more interesting and more satisfying.  I felt lighter.

Saturday mornings with Gord was often the highlight of my week. In our pjs we would often drink 2 or 3 cups of  coffee  and let the morning get away from us. It was like the rest of the world fell away as we would discuss anything and everything.



This morning as I gazed out my window I began to cry. Remembering Gord, remembering our Friday nights, our Saturday mornings. I felt the loss, I felt the absence. Noah gently came up the stairs and peered into the living room. He climbed onto my lap, held onto my face and asked if I was OK.

Through my tears I expressed to him that I missed dad, I really missed my best friend right now.

Noah showed genuine concern, gave me a hug and uttered, " You are going to be OK."

Empathy from my 3 year old did lift the pain. I wiped my tears and he was so proud to make his mom feel better.

I told him he is my little hero.

The pain of this loss is still very present. I've created a rewarding, meaningful life around the pain. It's interesting to me....that the void, the hole, the emptiness, the absence is still at times as large as the day he left us.

Where is my hope? How do I hold on?

Lately I've been faced with the reality that this reality of losing Gord will always be a part of who I am, it will always be a part of my story. I use to dream of the grass being greener, of brighter days. I use to believe that there would be a day where my life would be fully restored as if this loss never happened. However, I've come to see that is impossible. This happened and is now forever a part of me.

My hope lies in today! My grass is green today. My life is bright today!

Although I have deep pain at times, I also have great joy at times.

This will always be true.

Many people have suffered great loss. Many people will continue to suffer great loss. Many people also have still survived, still thrived....have become stronger despite their losses. This is the human story.

I can let the loss take away more from me than I have already loosed or I can choose to be grateful for all I still have and see that my life....in many ways is still very rich, full and blessed.

I use to put all my hope in tomorrow, now I realize some of my hope lies in today.

I don't deny I'm in pain....but I do live with it, I choose to be stronger than the pain. It never has the last word!