Cheers and Tears

It's my birthday!I'm 39 today! Last year in my 30's. Feels like I've been through a lot in 39 years. My sister in law has planned a gathering for tomorrow night. It's great to have something to look forward to....but today....it's raining.... it's quiet.

My heart feels heavy. My boys have ski lessons and I have to clean and pack for our week in the city.

Sometimes I try to remember how I coped last year. How did I feel last year on my birthday? I remember planning my own party with friends from Hinton. I remember having a positive attitude. I remember wanting to be happy. I think last year losing Gord was enough. I couldn't also lose my joy for holidays and special occasions. Last year it seemed like I had to find a way to find the joy.....I just couldn't lose it all.

Today...I feel sad, empty. I feel the loss....the void.

How do I celebrate today?

My boys haven't wished me happy birthday. They haven't made cards or helped pick out a present. Why would they?...They are 3 and 6 years old.

I try to fill my mind with positive self talk.

" I'm fortunate to be alive and celebrate my birthday. I'm fortunate to have so many blessings. Some people don't have the privilege to celebrate 39 years of age."

But today....it's not enough. This birthday....today....I miss Gord.

Tomorrow, I'll be heading to the city...I will have fun with friends and family....tomorrow I will find my joy again.

I've come to accept that my holidays are more complicated now. I've come to accept that sometimes I will feel the pain and sting of grief instead of the joy of the occasion. Sometimes I will experience both sorrow and joy at the same time. I've come to accept that it is OK to miss Gord, it is OK to be sad. I can accept this because I also know that I will still find joy too.

Both sorrow and joy continue to be a part of my new story.

I know that tomorrow when I am with family, I will be reminded of how loved I am. I will be reminded of all the blessings in my life. I will feel grateful, I will feel blessed....I will feel joy.

This grief journey is longer and more intense than I had anticipated. I can see that each year I will process it differently, experience it differently. I have a feeling that my next birthday.....I might feel different again. Last year I found a way to keep the joy, this year I am in mourning. Perhaps next year...will surprise me as well.

Cheers is to another year well lived....and a tear for the loss of my love.