Light at the End of the Tunnel.

A year ago on Easter I recall sitting in the early spring sunshine on a friends deck with my parents. I remember desperately wanting my boys to have a special day. I didn't want the loss to overshadow the joy special holidays are suppose to bring. In the warmth of the sun, I clearly remember feeling a heaviness; an unshakable weight in my stomach. I felt the loss. During that time in my grief I remember.... just getting out of bed was a challenge I faced daily.

In my most recent counselling session I confessed to my councillor that I was dreading spring break. I had plans to spend the week in Edmonton area with family. There was so much to look forward to, however many of  my holidays since Gord passed have left me feeling burnt out. Christmas holidays I felt especially overwhelmed by grief and exhaustion. Although I had made many great memories when away from home.....I dreaded the packing and dealing with Noah away from home. Since Gord has passed Noah has had a more difficult time adjusting to change. Predictably, Noah would have more melt downs, temper tantrums and a loss of appetite. My job as a single mother became harder. There was always the post holiday burn out as well. I would come home to holiday laundry, grocery shopping, unloading, unpacking and more often than not..... cranky children. All the stress and exhaustion led to more grief. The weight of the challenges often felt like they out weighed the fun of the trip.

My councillor reminded me to some degree this was all normal for every family with young children. As a single mom, the responsibility was greater but she reminded me this will all get easier with time. She suggested we brainstorm ideas to prevent burn out and as well as strategies to cope with some inevitable recovery time.

My week started with the odds stacked in my favor. The boys had a few days with the Mark grandparents. The time off was so welcomed. I seemed to find the right balance between  celebrating my birthday and catching up on rest. To my surprise Noah seemed to cope better than usual with all the change. I spent the rest of the week at my brothers. I had an amazing week of fun and relaxation. The boys continued to enjoy themselves as well. I made an effort to keep them on routine to give us the best chance at having a good time. I also prepared Noah every night about what to expect the following day to help him cope with change and reminded him how many days it would be until we returned home to give him a sense of security.

 Initially, I had ambitious ideas of taking in all our favorite family activities in the city like the water park, Telus Science Center, the zoo etc. Using my better judgement I decided being with family and friends would be enough activity for my little family. It seems like this was a good choice!

I intentionally limited late evenings and alcohol. I still had a few late nights and along with some celebrating but all in all I came home rested. I had the energy to get unpacked and ready for the following week. We all woke up the Tuesday morning with energy to start our week.

This feels like such a huge mountain I have climbed. I feel like I have found hope in taking holidays again. It appears Noah has turned a corner, I guess a little maturity and few strategies goes a long way.

Over the break I was so occupied with family and friends that I neglected to anticipate the possible grief, mourning and numbness I have often experienced on holidays. The night before Easter I tucked my boys in bed and I took a moment to reflect with them what heaven must be like on Easter. I figured it would be one of the greatest days in heaven.  Danny suggested that their would be a rock band playing and a huge screen to play Mario Cart 10( not made yet) on. I chuckled thinking that would could be an accurate representation of what his dad would of considered  heaven on earth as well. We whispered some prayers about Gord and the boys drifted off to sleep with anticipation for the arrival of the Easter Bunny.

With multiple Easter egg hunts and multiple family functions the day flew by filled with socializing and great food. I was happy. I was present to the day. The day felt  so normal. It felt like a normal holiday. I caught myself a few times thinking....I feel normal. I don't feel numb, sad, lonely. I just had this feeling like Gord was such a huge part of our lives. I didn't feel his presence like I have sometimes in the past...I just felt like I carried him in my heart and in my mind. I had a deep sense and knowing that he was still playing a role in our story today. The imprint he has left has become a new part of who I am.

Recently, I have been challenged as a parent. When Gord was alive, I was the intuitive one in the relationship. I experienced things more emotionally. I was the one that worried, that cried and became emotional about our children's issues.   I could depend on Gord to be the voice or reason; the voice that would ground me. Gord always had this natural way of looking at the big picture and remaining objective under stress. Together we complimented each other well in making decisions and problem solving.

Now it's all me. Over the past year and a half I've had to rely on my memory of Gord to help me navigate through heavy situations. What I am discovering is that I am becoming both parents. I have to be both parents. I am still the emotional one....however I am learning to find my grounding. I am learning to find the Gord in me, the rational side of me. I am surprising myself at my ability to become objective and compartmentalize my thoughts and emotions and be able to remain strong when necessary. I am beginning to understand that the loss is not a loss of everything nor is it permanent. The memories and the love are everlasting and are still dramatically influencing me today.  I also look forward to reuniting with him some day in heaven. This Easter I felt connected to these ideas and the loss didn't feel so heavy at all.

As I drove back to my brothers after all the Easter festivities I felt a sense of releif. I knew I had a major breakthrough. This was the first major holiday that I had no emotional build up, no numbness, no ache, no heaviness, no mourning. To think....for a holiday I was free from pain....Amazing! I felt a new joy well up in me instead....I had dreamed of this possibility to fully enjoy a holiday not knowing if it was ever possible. It is!

Ironically, as I tucked Danny into bed that Easter evening, his tears began to pour out. He was overcome with intense grief. He cried out that Easter wasn't the same with out his dad. He said it hurt so bad to miss him so much. Although it was heart wrenching to watch him experience such intense pain, I had a new hope for my boys. For the first time I felt like I had a true glimpse into what it may be like to be healed. I had new belief that someday the pain...will fade away.

I held Danny and reminded him how much his dad loved him...just for being him. I retold Danny all the ways his dad was proud of him and how much he loved being with family on holidays. The tears dried and he seemed to find his peace and fell asleep.

On Easter Monday my family had an Easter brunch. I asked my mom if we could light a candle in remembrance of Gord and explained that Danny was really missing his dad this holiday. Before grace my mom asked Danny to light a candle to remember his dad this holiday. On the way back to Hinton that afternoon both Danny and Noah were talking about their dad so light-heartedly. They shared memories and Noah shared that he played spider man with his dad last week. I felt a peace come over us.

After all this time, this grief journey has continued to be unpredictable and ever changing. However, I'm seeing a lift in the pain. The moments of grief still hit me. Just last night....a simple song " At Last" brought me to tears. Gord was the answer to all my prayers.

However, since Gord's passing I've come to see that many of my prayers are still answered.

I anticipate I will continue to mourn the loss of Gord at times.....

 However, for the first time I'm starting to see there is light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that the grief may someday pass, the pain may fade away and all that will be left is the treasured memories and everlasting love!