A couple of months ago I found myself wrestling with the horrid possibility of another close person unexpectedly passing away. It's difficult to deny the possibility when it has happened. It's challenging to rationalize these irrational thoughts away when this has become a reality. Gord collapsed one day, no warning signs...40 years earlier than I had imagined. I use to believe tragedy only happened in books or in the movies. I can remember on that September 11, watching over and over the collapse of the twin towers thinking...this can't actually be real...this is just a movie...right?!
These intense fears of losing someone close to me seemed to haunt me, follow me...like a dark shadow, I have worried about my my boys dying; friends, parents, siblings dying suddenly....unexpectedly. How would I cope? How would I cope with another tragedy? I worried how my boys would manage if anything happened to me. I started planning; making sure the important people in my life had all the important numbers of the important people in my life.
Other than my councillor my mom has been my go to person. In the moments where grief overcame me, in times where I felt lost without Gord or when the challenges as a single mom became overwhelming she was the person I could call. She had become a person I could depend on. It gave me great security and consolation just to know I had a person I could find refuge in. I felt like she understood my journey...like she was walking with me.
Then my imagination took hold and I envisioned the worst. What if I lost my mom? What if I lose my other most important person? How would I survive? How would I go on? I need her! I love her!
One of the most difficult parts in the recovery of losing Gord has been making the adaptation of doing many things on my own that he use to help me with or assume responsibility for. From taking care of finances and vehicles, to making decisions about my children and life, to being able to have a confident to debrief with for my everyday struggles. I have had to mourn these losses and learn how to compensate for these loses. It's still a challenge I cope with daily....however I am getting better at accepting my losses and quicker at compensating. I have often thought that I was perhaps too dependant on Gord, that this all wouldn't of been so hard if I was more independent to start with.
Logically; I started thinking that I have been too emotionally dependant on my mom. I rationalized that I needed to find more ways to work through my emotions than depend on my mom. I began to withdraw. In the midst of a low time I decided I had to work through these problems by myself...so that if I lost my mom I would be strong enough to bare it.
I expressed my fears to my councillor. I told her about my efforts to solve my emotional problems independently. I explained that I didn't want to be dependant on my mom or anyone else so that if I lost them it wouldn't be so hard to bare.
My councillor challenged my rational. She implied my logic could use some analysis. Using an analogy she shed new light onto my understanding.
Along the lines she questioned me...." Would it be rational to say I won't drink any more water in the chance that one day, there will be no water?"
I understood the comparison but my mind and heart needed time to digest this, time to adapt to this idea, time to re-frame my thinking.
She suggested that I may feel more emotionally secure if I expanded my support system and reached out to others as well. I expressed to her that I find it hard to confide in friends because we are all so immersed in parenting it's hard to find breathing time to share emotions when we are so engaged with our children....but I decided I would try.
I have been, bit by bit trying to not carry all the emotional burden. I also returned to the open relationship with my mom.
But there was still apart of me still so afraid to lose, so afraid to have to re experience another broken heart....so afraid to have to face more loss.
About a week ago I was watching " American Idol", on tv. A young girl shared her back story of how much her grandma meant to her. She shared that she really wanted her grandma to remain a part of her life. In dedication and in memory of her deceased grandma, she sang the song " Stay" by Rihanna.
Her performance triggered a new understanding in me. It was an Ah Ha moment! I was inspired! I came to a new life changing, transforming perspective. I realized that the greatest thing I ever did was to completely immerse myself into my relationship with Gord. It became so evident that because of our closeness he has left such a rich imprint on my soul. I have never regretted all the hours we spent bonding, all the quality time we had together. I have never regretted loving him so deeply. It has been my greatest suffering letting go of the life I had with Gord on earth. However, it is becoming a new joy to discover that forever Gord occupies such a special part of my heart and the fabric of our beings have been weaved together in a bond that only continues to grow.
In that moment I realized that it is a greater risk to not love than bare the risk of loss. The real loss would be if I held back and didn't fully engage in the relationship. I have an opportunity to be close with the people in my life that are still alive today. It is worth the investment of the heart because the love is what still remains...even in the event of death. We aren't living in this world together because we need to learn how to do everything independently. We aren't living here to protect our hearts from ever getting broken. We are here together to help each other and to enrich each others lives. We need each other! We can help each other heal, we can help each other rebuild broken hearts. We are here to help each other become whole. Death is an inevitable part of life. However, love and memories do remain forever! For that reason I choose to embrace my relationships, to love fully, to immerse myself in the lives of others...where ever they will let me...in hopes that we can help each other and grow in love. Even if there is more loss, more death...the love stays...the memories remain.
Tyanna Jones - Singing " Stay" by Rihanna
I want Gord to be always be apart of me. I want him to stay with me!
http://jacksonville.com/entertainment/2015-04-08/story/jacksonvilles-tyanna-jones-stays-idol-wednesday-night-performance
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