I watched and observed Noah today. I was in awe of who he is. He is growing into such a wonderful little person. My heart swelled with pride. Although I am very excited about his development, that isn't why my heart filled with joy today. He is becoming a great little person and he fills his world with light. He has a way of making me smile and making me feel special. He is so friendly and quick to smile for others. He has an incredibly warm nature and a joyful, carefree heart.
Tonight my heart broke, it ached at the thought of his dad not being here to celebrate his sons 4th birthday. Tonight it seems unfair that Gord had to leave us so soon.....that my little boy is only 4 but is already celebrating a birthday for the second time without his dad.
I can't believe how much Gord has missed.
Yesterday Danny had a birthday party to attend at the bowling alley. In hopes that Noah wouldn't feel too left out I suggested the two of us go to the pool. We had a little bonding time. He shared that when he grows up he wants to be a teenager so that he can get milk by himself like his babysitter Samuel. I further inquired asking what kind of job he wants when he grows up and he replied he wants to be a penguin. I questioned him as to what a penguin does and he said waddles....demonstrating " like this."
Honestly there are so many adorable moments right now and although I believe Gord is watching us, a part of this all, I just want to experience his humanness. We shared the same passion and love for our boys. I want to see Gord's smile and pride for his boys. I want to see his excitement as they develop their interests and passions. I want to hear all the ways he is so proud and excited about them. When Noah was 2 we didn't know he would be passionate about dinosaurs, star wars and baking. He has such a sweet little voice and now speaks in big sentences. He loves play school, friends and his most favourite activity is video games.
Yesterday he was also telling me that his dad loved video games just like he did and that he died but he still has a dad, he just lives in heaven now with God.
Right now Noah has it all figured out. There was a couple of months this year where his world was quite confusing. He wondered where his dad was. He continuously asked questions like, " Can I use a ladder to see dad? Or what about a plane? Does he live by Mexico?"
He started walking up to strangers and blurting out, " My dad died."
I was at a loss for words, but I think Noah was just trying to figure out what it all meant.
He asked how his dad died. I told him the same way I told Danny.
His heart stopped working, his body stopped moving and he stopped breathing.
A couple of days later Noah ran up to me. " Mom, mom we need to get dad and bring him to the hospital. If his heart is broken we can get a doctor to fix him."
It was then that my heart broke. How do I tell him? How do I tell him, his dad's heart cannot be fixed?
After months of Noah searching for understanding....he seemed to have found it.
I remember it clearly, we were driving home from church. In a cheerful voice Noah shared.... that his died, he was in heaven, his dad loved him and he loved his dad. He went on to recount that his dad carried him, hugged him and tickled him.... and some day he will see him again.
Since then it appears that is all Noah needs to know.
He talks about his dad all the time. He continues to retell me the ways his dad loved him, he also seems to have an imagination and will tell me that his dad played with him last Friday and gave him a hug. Who knows maybe his dad is more present then I understand.
My heart is broken at the idea of Gord not being here for my sons big moments. I also feel a gratefulness that he loved them so well and that they continue to remember that. Tonight as I tucked Noah in bed , he asked if he could say a prayer for his father. We did! I told him that I bet his dad and all the angels will be singing happy birthday with us tomorrow. Noah relied, Don't forget God, he will be singing too.
This boy knows he is loved...and for now, it seems like it is all he needs to know.
Gord is no longer here but we are wrapped up in his love.
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