It's my birthday!I'm 39 today! Last year in my 30's. Feels like I've been through a lot in 39 years. My sister in law has planned a gathering for tomorrow night. It's great to have something to look forward to....but today....it's raining.... it's quiet.
My heart feels heavy. My boys have ski lessons and I have to clean and pack for our week in the city.
Sometimes I try to remember how I coped last year. How did I feel last year on my birthday? I remember planning my own party with friends from Hinton. I remember having a positive attitude. I remember wanting to be happy. I think last year losing Gord was enough. I couldn't also lose my joy for holidays and special occasions. Last year it seemed like I had to find a way to find the joy.....I just couldn't lose it all.
Today...I feel sad, empty. I feel the loss....the void.
How do I celebrate today?
My boys haven't wished me happy birthday. They haven't made cards or helped pick out a present. Why would they?...They are 3 and 6 years old.
I try to fill my mind with positive self talk.
" I'm fortunate to be alive and celebrate my birthday. I'm fortunate to have so many blessings. Some people don't have the privilege to celebrate 39 years of age."
But today....it's not enough. This birthday....today....I miss Gord.
Tomorrow, I'll be heading to the city...I will have fun with friends and family....tomorrow I will find my joy again.
I've come to accept that my holidays are more complicated now. I've come to accept that sometimes I will feel the pain and sting of grief instead of the joy of the occasion. Sometimes I will experience both sorrow and joy at the same time. I've come to accept that it is OK to miss Gord, it is OK to be sad. I can accept this because I also know that I will still find joy too.
Both sorrow and joy continue to be a part of my new story.
I know that tomorrow when I am with family, I will be reminded of how loved I am. I will be reminded of all the blessings in my life. I will feel grateful, I will feel blessed....I will feel joy.
This grief journey is longer and more intense than I had anticipated. I can see that each year I will process it differently, experience it differently. I have a feeling that my next birthday.....I might feel different again. Last year I found a way to keep the joy, this year I am in mourning. Perhaps next year...will surprise me as well.
Cheers is to another year well lived....and a tear for the loss of my love.
Saturday, 28 March 2015
Saturday, 7 March 2015
Saturday Mourning Coffee
This morning I am running through my usual routine of drinking coffee, looking at Facebook, planning my days and reading books as the boys enjoy some down time with their IPADs. I can't help myself but remember what my Saturday mornings use to be like....
Last night a friend came over with ice cream to watch a movie. Most weekends I make an effort to get out at least one night on the weekend to keep my social tank somewhat filled. Although I thoroughly enjoy my nights out with friends, last night was a reprieve. It was a fantastic change of pace to wear my sweats, and just enjoy the pleasures of discussions and friendship while taking in a good movie. I expressed my gratitude and told her how wonderful it felt to not be alone. I further explained that I'm use to being alone now. It's not that difficult any more, however I couldn't believe how full the room seemed with her there. Watching a movie with a friend was more stimulating, more interesting and more satisfying. I felt lighter.
Saturday mornings with Gord was often the highlight of my week. In our pjs we would often drink 2 or 3 cups of coffee and let the morning get away from us. It was like the rest of the world fell away as we would discuss anything and everything.
This morning as I gazed out my window I began to cry. Remembering Gord, remembering our Friday nights, our Saturday mornings. I felt the loss, I felt the absence. Noah gently came up the stairs and peered into the living room. He climbed onto my lap, held onto my face and asked if I was OK.
Through my tears I expressed to him that I missed dad, I really missed my best friend right now.
Noah showed genuine concern, gave me a hug and uttered, " You are going to be OK."
Empathy from my 3 year old did lift the pain. I wiped my tears and he was so proud to make his mom feel better.
I told him he is my little hero.
The pain of this loss is still very present. I've created a rewarding, meaningful life around the pain. It's interesting to me....that the void, the hole, the emptiness, the absence is still at times as large as the day he left us.
Where is my hope? How do I hold on?
Lately I've been faced with the reality that this reality of losing Gord will always be a part of who I am, it will always be a part of my story. I use to dream of the grass being greener, of brighter days. I use to believe that there would be a day where my life would be fully restored as if this loss never happened. However, I've come to see that is impossible. This happened and is now forever a part of me.
My hope lies in today! My grass is green today. My life is bright today!
Although I have deep pain at times, I also have great joy at times.
This will always be true.
Many people have suffered great loss. Many people will continue to suffer great loss. Many people also have still survived, still thrived....have become stronger despite their losses. This is the human story.
I can let the loss take away more from me than I have already loosed or I can choose to be grateful for all I still have and see that my life....in many ways is still very rich, full and blessed.
I use to put all my hope in tomorrow, now I realize some of my hope lies in today.
I don't deny I'm in pain....but I do live with it, I choose to be stronger than the pain. It never has the last word!
Last night a friend came over with ice cream to watch a movie. Most weekends I make an effort to get out at least one night on the weekend to keep my social tank somewhat filled. Although I thoroughly enjoy my nights out with friends, last night was a reprieve. It was a fantastic change of pace to wear my sweats, and just enjoy the pleasures of discussions and friendship while taking in a good movie. I expressed my gratitude and told her how wonderful it felt to not be alone. I further explained that I'm use to being alone now. It's not that difficult any more, however I couldn't believe how full the room seemed with her there. Watching a movie with a friend was more stimulating, more interesting and more satisfying. I felt lighter.
Saturday mornings with Gord was often the highlight of my week. In our pjs we would often drink 2 or 3 cups of coffee and let the morning get away from us. It was like the rest of the world fell away as we would discuss anything and everything.
This morning as I gazed out my window I began to cry. Remembering Gord, remembering our Friday nights, our Saturday mornings. I felt the loss, I felt the absence. Noah gently came up the stairs and peered into the living room. He climbed onto my lap, held onto my face and asked if I was OK.
Through my tears I expressed to him that I missed dad, I really missed my best friend right now.
Noah showed genuine concern, gave me a hug and uttered, " You are going to be OK."
Empathy from my 3 year old did lift the pain. I wiped my tears and he was so proud to make his mom feel better.
I told him he is my little hero.
The pain of this loss is still very present. I've created a rewarding, meaningful life around the pain. It's interesting to me....that the void, the hole, the emptiness, the absence is still at times as large as the day he left us.
Where is my hope? How do I hold on?
Lately I've been faced with the reality that this reality of losing Gord will always be a part of who I am, it will always be a part of my story. I use to dream of the grass being greener, of brighter days. I use to believe that there would be a day where my life would be fully restored as if this loss never happened. However, I've come to see that is impossible. This happened and is now forever a part of me.
My hope lies in today! My grass is green today. My life is bright today!
Although I have deep pain at times, I also have great joy at times.
This will always be true.
Many people have suffered great loss. Many people will continue to suffer great loss. Many people also have still survived, still thrived....have become stronger despite their losses. This is the human story.
I can let the loss take away more from me than I have already loosed or I can choose to be grateful for all I still have and see that my life....in many ways is still very rich, full and blessed.
I use to put all my hope in tomorrow, now I realize some of my hope lies in today.
I don't deny I'm in pain....but I do live with it, I choose to be stronger than the pain. It never has the last word!
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