Nine Lives

Pieces of the Puzzle

It occurred to me this week; a  year ago Gord was gone on a work trip to Vancouver. It was an awesome week for Gord!  He loved learning and was so excited to be chosen for this conference to meet new people and be challenged in a new way. The focus of this week was learning about Myers Briggs personality. There is one night I recollect well. Gord had the opportunity to work with the woman in charge of the program. Ofcourse he took advantage of the opportunity to pick her brain. He called me and was beaming. He excitedly told me that he had told the teacher all about me and my personality. The teacher affirmed Gord that our personalities were a great compliment to each other. He was so proud that we nailed it. We found each other, we were good for each other and we had found the right formula for a successful happy marriage. I remember thinking this was interesting too....but he was elated about it.

I can't know for sure if Gord had a sense that the end was near for him, but after he passed I received a few emails from strangers that Gord had only known for one week. They were emails from the people from the conference. Both emails gave their condolences but also followed with assuring me that Gord talked about the boys and I the entire conference...any chance he had. They both shared with me that Gord had confided in them that he had known I was the one for him since the first day we met. The letters continued on about how Gord was so proud that I was his wife and loved the boys and I so much. Remembering this is surprisingly bringing me comfort. Surprising... because I'm not just fixed on the loss but rather I really appreciate how much Gord loved us and how good he was to us.

With the one year anniversary approaching I have been facing stronger, intense emotions...often times I can't put my finger on it. My insides have been more restless, disturbed...it's like a storm is brewing beneath the surface and the triggers are less obvious. At the same time I've gained so many coping strategies that...it's not overwhelming me. I've had more bad days lately....but circumstances haven't made this difficult time any easier. Danny has been discouraged with his broken arm and has been experiencing high levels of frustration. Although he is performing well academically and is socially doing well; the teacher has informed that he has been very tired at school. He has been coming home a different boy, one I don't recognize. It has been heart breaking. This helpless feeling has been following me, dragging me down...undermining me. I talked to doctors, school councilors....they all said the same thing, that his responses are so normal given his circumstances, we just have to get through this time the best we can. They told me to continue being consistent and predictable...that is always the best way to help a child cope with life. It has been so much for Danny, his losses have been piled on top of each other. He is still grieving, coping with a trauma and the many limitations.

A couple of days in a quiet moment before bed Danny asked me to snuggle him. He leaned in whispered. " We only get one life, right?"

" Right" I responded.

Danny continued, " I wish life was more like a video game where we could have more than one life. I would use one of my lives to be with dad."


We`ve added some new pieces to our puzzle. Over the months I've been considering a pet for our family. I've mulled over different possibilities. Lately for fun, we've been making trips to the pet store. The boys could never seem to get enough and kept begging for more. There have litters of kittens. They would let them out and both of my boys would just come to life interacting with these furry little friends. I knew this was a huge decision. I started really discussing possibilities with friends and family. Danny had started pleading 2 weeks prior... I told him I would seriously think about it. It was brought to my attention that two is better than one because it helps the kitten to not suffer from loneliness. I had a few discussions with the people who work at the pet store and all my concerns began to fade away. I knew this could be great for our family.





A year ago we received the shock of a lifetime. It was the most awful possible news our family could possibly have to bare. It has been a long year of adjustment and grief. The walk and the grind some days has been unbearable and exhausting.

Yesterday I gave my sons another shock. It was an amazing surprise. They are both so full of delight. There has been a non stop buzz in the home watching these little kittens chase, dart, hide, purr and snuggle. Both my boys are so naturally calm and gentle with the kittens.  They also naturally how to be playful with them. Last night after my boys were in bed, I had my chance with the little ones. They were busy, hyper and a joy to play with and watch. As their energy finally faded they curled up with me and I felt a warm feeling run through me. This is a gift for me too.

Parts of me are nervous taking on a new responsibility...but there is  a greater part of me that knows the work is worth the love.

Danny has been a new boy since we brought the kittens to their new home. It is activity he can do with a broken arm. I think the kittens are going to fill this home with a new joy...a new love.

I continue to experience both Gord`s absence and Gord`s presence. My mind, body and spirit is processing so much right now. The fall season , the rain, autumn activities... the memories are like shadows following me.

Losing Gord has been the greatest suffering of my life. The day he died...was the worst day of my life. It was when my world exploded. I`m not quite sure what to expect next week, I don`t know how to do this anniversary day, but I know I want to get through this time the best we can. For my boys I want to find a way to make this day  a day to remember the greatest love of our life. The suffering has been great but the love is still greater.

A year ago from tomorrow was one of last memorable days as a family, a family of four. We walked on the beaver boarwalk.  It was a Sunday, Gord was fully present with us, fully alive with us. I can remember our conversations, playing hide and go seek with the kids....the laughter. We believed we had it all.



September 29, 2013

Trying to put this puzzle back together without Gord looked impossible...but  we have started to. Pieces of our heart, pieces of our lives. He is still here...in our thoughts, our prayers, our hearts,,,,our story. We love him so much.

Getting Real with Reality

An experience like losing a spouse at young age jolts a person. It awakens you. Like any other time in my life I am faced with making choices.

Over and over I've had to face truths, reality. I can choose to avoid, deny, run and escape or I can be candid and authentic. I've done both.

What I have learned.

I have learned that facing reality often times is hard. It often undermines my ideals, my hopes  and my dreams. However, in facing reality...a new perspective emerges, new possibilities, new dreams and new understandings. It takes time, often weeks for me to find acceptance, but when I do I am liberated! I am no longer held to something that wasn't meant to be.

I have had to get real about my status, my identity, my kids life. I've had to get real about my limitations.  I've learned how to dream but have realistic expectations. It's a new balance. A quote Gord refereed to often, " Hope for the best and plan for the worst." To me this is the balance between optimism and realism.

As a natural optimist I can get lost in a dream world where life should follow straight lines and always have fairy tale endings. But I'm coming to see life is more like a white water ride. There is destinations but the path is unpredictable with unforeseen challenges. I'm learning to trust in the ride while being mentally prepared for these unforeseen challenges.

I'm adjusting my attitude and expectations.

The dramatic valleys I've had to face this past year is changing my world view.

I have two choices.

I could become a cynic and bitter that this life can seem to be full of chaos and unpredictability. I could live in fear that every turn could bring another tragic hit. I could be angry that I lack power in how my life unfolds. I could be riddled in self -pity that I have had to bare so much struggle, responsibility and trials. I could spend my days in misery...because I lost a man, a relationship that filled me in a way nothing else ever has. I could spend everyday comparing this new life of spending evenings alone, weekends often  alone to  my life that was full of conversation, companionship, support, love and fun.

Choice number two.

I can accept that life is unpredictable and often can seem chaotic but in the same breath still believe that there still is in fact purpose. I can believe that struggles, trials and even tragedies can be used to build me, make me stronger....give my life new understanding and new meaning. I can look around me and recognize that everyone has a story, everyone has struggles, everyone has pain and that misery and self pity is not going to add to my life. I can adapt and see that this opens new opportunities to have new passions, gives me time to build stronger bonds with friends and family.

A couple of days ago I took Noah to a coffee shop, we had a drink and cookies, It was a sweet one on one moment. He smiles and laughs so easily. We hopped over to the pet store for a visit next door. I watched him fill with thrill and excitement to observe each little creature. We played with kittens and watched fish dance about. It was one of those relive your childhood moments when you can vicariously live through your child's eyes as they become full of awe and wonder.

On the way home I felt a grin on my face, My heart swelled at the joy I had the pleasure of sharing with my son. It was long lasting, it was real, it was simple....joy.

So often I am faced with a gloomy cloud as I try to watch TV alone in the evening...and there is just no way to recreate that feeling. That feeling of love and security I had with Gord. That warm feeling. But it is lifting, I'm watching a NETFLIX TV series that Gord would never watch. It's so chick flick. Decent for a chick flick! I look forward to it, it fills a certain part of me. I'm making efforts to make the most of this single time.

The point I'm making is that my reality is often less than I would like. I could spend my days in waiting, waiting for the grass to be greener, feeling disappointment and discouragement or I could see that my reality, that my grass is still green right now.

I'm learning to squeeze the most out of the good moments, squeeze the most out of relationships, get the most out of today. I'm learning to roll with the bumps and challenges. They are apart of life, apart of every story, every adventure and every fairy tale. I'm learning to be open to change, to possibilities...to opportunities. I'm trying to get the most out of what I have, what the world still has to offer today.

Getting real with reality  can be disappointing, but accepting reality is liberating
and will lead you sooner to the place you are called to be. If I spend to much time missing the past and wishing for the future...I might miss what joy there is to be found today.

Frigid Friday

 I woke up with a heavy heart this morning. I have so much on mind. I'm crying easily. I miss Gord...I miss my life with Gord. Then I question myself...maybe it's just Friday morning burnout. The sky is grey...the air is cold and it looks like my morning might be spent in a mechanic shop. I had my breaks fixed a couple of weeks ago but I'm still hearing sounds. Not much to look forward to today. I'm a bit of a Eh-ore today.

There are days when my world looks fine again and I feel a general satisfaction and contentment. There is always a part that me that can't quite reach the joy I once had but I know my happiness meter some days is as good as most.

But then, there are days like today...where I lack motivation. Everything looks grey. It can feel as though all my efforts to make a better life are....not working. Last night was my first night back to Taekwondo, I should have been excited, it was suppose to make me feel better.

The Dday is approaching. I know I just need to find a way to honor Gord and celebrate his life but honestly, it was the beginning of the hardest time in my life, it has been so hard on my children s life. It is a day that is surrounded with darkness, confusion and shock. It is a day where my life shattered in a second...right in front of my eyes.

I'm trying to send my mind positive messages

" Maybe I will feel better tomorrow."
" Look forward to watching movies tonight with girl friends."
" Be happy Danny is loving school."
" Be happy that Noah is potty training."
" Believe it won't always be this hard, believe that someday this will all make sense and it will be OK, maybe even good."

But a deep sadness has crawled inside of me, I want to walk away from it, I want to just start my day...but it keeps welling up. I'm weepy.

One of the best ways for me to change my mood is to try and change my attitude, change my perception. I need to try and and look at this picture through a different lens...perhaps a brighter lens.

I'm still here, my children are still here. We are living. I have already climbed so many mountains. I've made it this far.

Sometimes...I just have to wait for the sadness to pass.

Maybe... music will help soothe my spirit. I have to keep persevering. I know I have not lost the mental and emotional battle yet. I will always fight...always try to find hope...always try to find a way to live this life well...even with the grey, cold and sad frigid Friday mornings.

First for the Second Time

" The best part about fall, is knowing that it is almost winter"
- Gordon Mark/ September 2013

It's been just a little less than a year since Gord's passing. The first snowfall has greeted our world a little earlier than last year. Today I feel like I'm experiencing a first for the second time. It seems like so much to digest...so much to process. I have my memories of snowfalls that are surrounded with Gord. But now I also have the memory of last year...shortly after Gord died; when it snowed for the first time.

There is something so familiar about what I am experiencing...but somehow at the same time it is so different. Last year I can remember the feelings were so intense and overwhelming I questioned whether or not I could survive my own emotional storm. Today...I feel a peace running through me. The snowfall is beautiful...I almost feel like I am having a surprise visit from Gord. I feel so connected to him. It's so easy to imagine his smile today and hear his laughter. I can picture his enthusiasm for the ski season appearing in the distance. I'm sure if he was here today he would be calling me from work already with all the snow reports for the different mountains. He would have a bounce in his step and he would talking about how his boys are going to grow up to be pro skiers one day.

Last year I was in a state of complete shock the day of the first snowfall. My world had turned upside down in an instant and I was completely lost in a new world. Now, the dust has settled around me...I see my new world more clearly. There is still a void but my mind has finally made sense of it, I have learned how to live with it. There are times now where thinking about Gord is still something I find myself avoiding because the sting is still so much to bare. But there are times like today where the memories and thoughts are so welcome, and they wrap me with warmth and love and remind me how fortunate I was to have the opportunity to have known and be loved by such a wonderful man.

Originally I believed that I would be more healed by this point in the process. It is obvious that I have gone through much healing, on the other hand I can see how my heart and mind still feels so much, is still processing so much. I've heard that many young widows experience the active grieving process for two years. This was disappointing news for me,  I still believe Gord is worth every tear...but it would be a great releif to have a break from the emotional pain. Like any injury...I'm always wanting to get past the pain.

I had an interesting discussion with my uncle last week. Often when people give me something new to think about it takes weeks for me to digest it. He suggested that some times people hold onto the grief because they are afraid that if they stop missing the person that would mean that they no longer love that person. I instantly related to what he was communicating. It has been a bit of a confusing time for me. I can go quite a while and not think about Gord now. I have a created a new life...and now that I haven't seen him in a year...I sometimes catch myself...just living without him. When he reenters my mind...some times I feel guilt that I hadn't thought of him more, that I hadn't thought of him sooner.

However, my uncle assured me that I will love Gord the same and always whether I think about him, whether I miss him...the love stays the same. It just is!

People often talk about moving on and letting go...as if it is a choice. To some degree, I agree with this...but only to a point. I think a person can choose whether or not they get stuck in the grief, whether or not it consumes them in an unhealthy way. However, I am observing in myself that the mind and heart will take whatever time it needs to process and heal. I told my uncle, that I'm not sure what moving on looks like, however I have always made an effort to stay real to the process and I've always made an effort to move forward and keep living. He agreed and affirmed me that I am doing great.

I appreciate that he challenged me in a new way. I've really taken the time to try wrap my head around this idea that I can love Gord even when I am not thinking about him or missing him. I can trust that he is forever a part of my heart, forever a part of my soul. He is imprinted in the deepest part of my being.

I am still healing, still processing...however; at the same time I have already found so much peace, acceptance and understanding.

Breaking point?

Is life picking on me? Have I somehow done something to deserve this seemingly endless suffering? What's my little families breaking point?  At what point do we lose hope, become bitter....stop fighting and just accept that life might in fact ....just suck?  I've had moments where all these thoughts have trickled into my mind. I have felt apathetic. I have had the thoughts that maybe I'll just accept I'm doomed to a hard life and give up on wanting more.

For 11 months I've been telling myself... When I get past this episode it will get better. In the spring I was faced with many first special occasions it seemed almost weekly, I remember thinking if I can just get to July 7th, maybe I can relax a little and try to enjoy my summer with my boys. July 13th Danny broke his arm. As the end of August approached, I told myself I have so much behind me. I looked forward to settling into routine, predictability, potty training Noah... Danny taking piano lessons and skating.... his first day of grade 1.

August 31st Danny refractured his arm. It was a more complicated break, he needed surgery...recovery is longer.

Crisis after crisis... It seems like I barely have time to catch my breath.

This crisis was different. I had a new skill set to try. In a previous counselling session I had decided  I no longer wanted to melt down in every crisis or large mishap. It was embarrassing, unproductive, and the intense emotional response was leaving me further depleted, needing more time to recover.

I wanted to be stronger, I wanted to respond differently.

She had me analyze my response and helped me to realize that I in fact was fully aware of my emotions and thoughts and therefore I could choose to react differently.

My initial response was to think... I can't handle this, I can't bare more stress. I would overwhelm myself with possible what if scenarios. I would imagine the worse. I would feel like life is unfair and hard on me.

None of this is helpful!

 First she challenged me to change my world view. I was believing that because I endured a tragedy that life should be easy on me. That somehow I should be immune to trials and further suffering. Wrong!!!!!

Life will continue to present challenges, trials and suffering regardless of what I already suffered. I will be stronger to handle bumps if I'm expecting them as opposed to becoming more and more frustrated and overwhelmed by every bump.

Secondly, instead of imaging the worst I realized that I can cope with any problem the same way I coped with the  abrupt loss of my husband. One day at a time, one step at a time. I need to believe I can cope...that I am strong enough to bare stress.

When Danny broke his arm the second time I remained calm. I quickly called neighbors to pick up Noah. As I continued to be faced with stress and disappointing news I remained calm and believed... We will get through this....one day at a time, one step at a time. We can handle this, we can bare this and we will get through this.

The whole experience lasted 5 days. I did it! I kept my focus on staying calm to best support Danny through this time. Through hours and hours of waiting, watching |Danny go through painful x rays, needles, hunger, surgery, post surgery.  I was able to stay strong for Danny. I never fell apart or became overwhelmed. It was empowering to see I had the ability to maintain emotional control under stress.

At the end of it all, after surgery was done and we got through the first intense day of recovery... I felt myself really relax and discovered that five days of sleep deprivation, care giving and remaining emotionally composed was going to leave me feeling weak and depleted.

It was discouraging to feel so weak and helpless, I  caught myself having  self defeating thoughts and tempted towards feelings of despair and self pity....but instead I told myself to be patient and I reminded myself that I will recover and strength will return again. I again stepped past the negative thinking, gave myself permission to be tired and weak and allowed myself the time to rest and recover.

It was unbearable to watch my son over and over have to bare excruciating  pain. It took so much strength to not become lost in his pain, to not become overwhelmed...

But I have learned that remaining calm and strong is the best way to help my son cope with pain... To help him believe...he can handle it.  It was the best way to solve problems and be able to make rational decisions.

Together we survived another crisis. I  was again inspired by Danny's true strength and willingness to adapt. Already his recovery is mind blowing.   I know the next few months will present many challenges. The true test is whether or not we can stay positive and remain hopeful and grateful as opposed to falling into self defeating thoughts, discouragement, self pity and disappointment.

There are parts of me that wonder if we really can cope with all of this suffering and struggle. There are parts of me that wonder if Danny will be disadvantaged with all this loss...all this pain and suffering. He had to miss the first week of school, will only have use of one arm...he will be losing out on so many activities...while already enduring the loss of his dad.

There is a greater part of me that knows my boys are not disadvantaged but rather have been given rare trials...that in the end will give them a greater strength, a greater depth...a greater understanding of how to cope and be resilient when faced with loss. Danny is learning how to still have a good life despite his losses. I won't let him give up on happiness.

So...is life picking on me and my family?Maybe! But it doesn't matter...what's more important is how we will cope with it, what we will learn from it and how we will overcome it. My breaking point... is up to me. It's my choice how I will think, how I will respond. Life will continue to present challenges. I know sometimes challenges will undermine me, make me weak, and over extend me...but I can just remain calm and after the storm... take time to rest, heal and recover.

I miss Gord so much right now. I miss his support and encouragement at a time where responsibilities are so demanding. I miss having his loving nature that brought our family so much peace and security. Marriage can be so enjoyable when life is good but it is also so sustaining in times of struggle.

Despite this intensive week I was so well supported with family. My dad was with us through many times in the hospital, helping me with Danny, helping me make decisions and allowing me to have time to take care of myself, while both my mom and Gord's mom took turns taking care of Noah. It was another bump in the road but I am so grateful we didn't have to travel it alone. I am so grateful for all the love, support and prayers.

God never promised life would be easy...he just promised we would never have to bare it all on our own.