Nine Lives

Pieces of the Puzzle

It occurred to me this week; a  year ago Gord was gone on a work trip to Vancouver. It was an awesome week for Gord!  He loved learning and was so excited to be chosen for this conference to meet new people and be challenged in a new way. The focus of this week was learning about Myers Briggs personality. There is one night I recollect well. Gord had the opportunity to work with the woman in charge of the program. Ofcourse he took advantage of the opportunity to pick her brain. He called me and was beaming. He excitedly told me that he had told the teacher all about me and my personality. The teacher affirmed Gord that our personalities were a great compliment to each other. He was so proud that we nailed it. We found each other, we were good for each other and we had found the right formula for a successful happy marriage. I remember thinking this was interesting too....but he was elated about it.

I can't know for sure if Gord had a sense that the end was near for him, but after he passed I received a few emails from strangers that Gord had only known for one week. They were emails from the people from the conference. Both emails gave their condolences but also followed with assuring me that Gord talked about the boys and I the entire conference...any chance he had. They both shared with me that Gord had confided in them that he had known I was the one for him since the first day we met. The letters continued on about how Gord was so proud that I was his wife and loved the boys and I so much. Remembering this is surprisingly bringing me comfort. Surprising... because I'm not just fixed on the loss but rather I really appreciate how much Gord loved us and how good he was to us.

With the one year anniversary approaching I have been facing stronger, intense emotions...often times I can't put my finger on it. My insides have been more restless, disturbed...it's like a storm is brewing beneath the surface and the triggers are less obvious. At the same time I've gained so many coping strategies that...it's not overwhelming me. I've had more bad days lately....but circumstances haven't made this difficult time any easier. Danny has been discouraged with his broken arm and has been experiencing high levels of frustration. Although he is performing well academically and is socially doing well; the teacher has informed that he has been very tired at school. He has been coming home a different boy, one I don't recognize. It has been heart breaking. This helpless feeling has been following me, dragging me down...undermining me. I talked to doctors, school councilors....they all said the same thing, that his responses are so normal given his circumstances, we just have to get through this time the best we can. They told me to continue being consistent and predictable...that is always the best way to help a child cope with life. It has been so much for Danny, his losses have been piled on top of each other. He is still grieving, coping with a trauma and the many limitations.

A couple of days in a quiet moment before bed Danny asked me to snuggle him. He leaned in whispered. " We only get one life, right?"

" Right" I responded.

Danny continued, " I wish life was more like a video game where we could have more than one life. I would use one of my lives to be with dad."


We`ve added some new pieces to our puzzle. Over the months I've been considering a pet for our family. I've mulled over different possibilities. Lately for fun, we've been making trips to the pet store. The boys could never seem to get enough and kept begging for more. There have litters of kittens. They would let them out and both of my boys would just come to life interacting with these furry little friends. I knew this was a huge decision. I started really discussing possibilities with friends and family. Danny had started pleading 2 weeks prior... I told him I would seriously think about it. It was brought to my attention that two is better than one because it helps the kitten to not suffer from loneliness. I had a few discussions with the people who work at the pet store and all my concerns began to fade away. I knew this could be great for our family.





A year ago we received the shock of a lifetime. It was the most awful possible news our family could possibly have to bare. It has been a long year of adjustment and grief. The walk and the grind some days has been unbearable and exhausting.

Yesterday I gave my sons another shock. It was an amazing surprise. They are both so full of delight. There has been a non stop buzz in the home watching these little kittens chase, dart, hide, purr and snuggle. Both my boys are so naturally calm and gentle with the kittens.  They also naturally how to be playful with them. Last night after my boys were in bed, I had my chance with the little ones. They were busy, hyper and a joy to play with and watch. As their energy finally faded they curled up with me and I felt a warm feeling run through me. This is a gift for me too.

Parts of me are nervous taking on a new responsibility...but there is  a greater part of me that knows the work is worth the love.

Danny has been a new boy since we brought the kittens to their new home. It is activity he can do with a broken arm. I think the kittens are going to fill this home with a new joy...a new love.

I continue to experience both Gord`s absence and Gord`s presence. My mind, body and spirit is processing so much right now. The fall season , the rain, autumn activities... the memories are like shadows following me.

Losing Gord has been the greatest suffering of my life. The day he died...was the worst day of my life. It was when my world exploded. I`m not quite sure what to expect next week, I don`t know how to do this anniversary day, but I know I want to get through this time the best we can. For my boys I want to find a way to make this day  a day to remember the greatest love of our life. The suffering has been great but the love is still greater.

A year ago from tomorrow was one of last memorable days as a family, a family of four. We walked on the beaver boarwalk.  It was a Sunday, Gord was fully present with us, fully alive with us. I can remember our conversations, playing hide and go seek with the kids....the laughter. We believed we had it all.



September 29, 2013

Trying to put this puzzle back together without Gord looked impossible...but  we have started to. Pieces of our heart, pieces of our lives. He is still here...in our thoughts, our prayers, our hearts,,,,our story. We love him so much.