Frigid Friday

 I woke up with a heavy heart this morning. I have so much on mind. I'm crying easily. I miss Gord...I miss my life with Gord. Then I question myself...maybe it's just Friday morning burnout. The sky is grey...the air is cold and it looks like my morning might be spent in a mechanic shop. I had my breaks fixed a couple of weeks ago but I'm still hearing sounds. Not much to look forward to today. I'm a bit of a Eh-ore today.

There are days when my world looks fine again and I feel a general satisfaction and contentment. There is always a part that me that can't quite reach the joy I once had but I know my happiness meter some days is as good as most.

But then, there are days like today...where I lack motivation. Everything looks grey. It can feel as though all my efforts to make a better life are....not working. Last night was my first night back to Taekwondo, I should have been excited, it was suppose to make me feel better.

The Dday is approaching. I know I just need to find a way to honor Gord and celebrate his life but honestly, it was the beginning of the hardest time in my life, it has been so hard on my children s life. It is a day that is surrounded with darkness, confusion and shock. It is a day where my life shattered in a second...right in front of my eyes.

I'm trying to send my mind positive messages

" Maybe I will feel better tomorrow."
" Look forward to watching movies tonight with girl friends."
" Be happy Danny is loving school."
" Be happy that Noah is potty training."
" Believe it won't always be this hard, believe that someday this will all make sense and it will be OK, maybe even good."

But a deep sadness has crawled inside of me, I want to walk away from it, I want to just start my day...but it keeps welling up. I'm weepy.

One of the best ways for me to change my mood is to try and change my attitude, change my perception. I need to try and and look at this picture through a different lens...perhaps a brighter lens.

I'm still here, my children are still here. We are living. I have already climbed so many mountains. I've made it this far.

Sometimes...I just have to wait for the sadness to pass.

Maybe... music will help soothe my spirit. I have to keep persevering. I know I have not lost the mental and emotional battle yet. I will always fight...always try to find hope...always try to find a way to live this life well...even with the grey, cold and sad frigid Friday mornings.