First for the Second Time

" The best part about fall, is knowing that it is almost winter"
- Gordon Mark/ September 2013

It's been just a little less than a year since Gord's passing. The first snowfall has greeted our world a little earlier than last year. Today I feel like I'm experiencing a first for the second time. It seems like so much to digest...so much to process. I have my memories of snowfalls that are surrounded with Gord. But now I also have the memory of last year...shortly after Gord died; when it snowed for the first time.

There is something so familiar about what I am experiencing...but somehow at the same time it is so different. Last year I can remember the feelings were so intense and overwhelming I questioned whether or not I could survive my own emotional storm. Today...I feel a peace running through me. The snowfall is beautiful...I almost feel like I am having a surprise visit from Gord. I feel so connected to him. It's so easy to imagine his smile today and hear his laughter. I can picture his enthusiasm for the ski season appearing in the distance. I'm sure if he was here today he would be calling me from work already with all the snow reports for the different mountains. He would have a bounce in his step and he would talking about how his boys are going to grow up to be pro skiers one day.

Last year I was in a state of complete shock the day of the first snowfall. My world had turned upside down in an instant and I was completely lost in a new world. Now, the dust has settled around me...I see my new world more clearly. There is still a void but my mind has finally made sense of it, I have learned how to live with it. There are times now where thinking about Gord is still something I find myself avoiding because the sting is still so much to bare. But there are times like today where the memories and thoughts are so welcome, and they wrap me with warmth and love and remind me how fortunate I was to have the opportunity to have known and be loved by such a wonderful man.

Originally I believed that I would be more healed by this point in the process. It is obvious that I have gone through much healing, on the other hand I can see how my heart and mind still feels so much, is still processing so much. I've heard that many young widows experience the active grieving process for two years. This was disappointing news for me,  I still believe Gord is worth every tear...but it would be a great releif to have a break from the emotional pain. Like any injury...I'm always wanting to get past the pain.

I had an interesting discussion with my uncle last week. Often when people give me something new to think about it takes weeks for me to digest it. He suggested that some times people hold onto the grief because they are afraid that if they stop missing the person that would mean that they no longer love that person. I instantly related to what he was communicating. It has been a bit of a confusing time for me. I can go quite a while and not think about Gord now. I have a created a new life...and now that I haven't seen him in a year...I sometimes catch myself...just living without him. When he reenters my mind...some times I feel guilt that I hadn't thought of him more, that I hadn't thought of him sooner.

However, my uncle assured me that I will love Gord the same and always whether I think about him, whether I miss him...the love stays the same. It just is!

People often talk about moving on and letting go...as if it is a choice. To some degree, I agree with this...but only to a point. I think a person can choose whether or not they get stuck in the grief, whether or not it consumes them in an unhealthy way. However, I am observing in myself that the mind and heart will take whatever time it needs to process and heal. I told my uncle, that I'm not sure what moving on looks like, however I have always made an effort to stay real to the process and I've always made an effort to move forward and keep living. He agreed and affirmed me that I am doing great.

I appreciate that he challenged me in a new way. I've really taken the time to try wrap my head around this idea that I can love Gord even when I am not thinking about him or missing him. I can trust that he is forever a part of my heart, forever a part of my soul. He is imprinted in the deepest part of my being.

I am still healing, still processing...however; at the same time I have already found so much peace, acceptance and understanding.