One year ago...

I feel like I'm warping. Warping back...I keep thinking.... one year ago. I'm fixed on it. I want to look away but...it keeps pulling me back in. A year ago my husband was here, a year ago I had no idea I was going to lose him in seconds. A year ago I had no idea that the next day I would witness his death. A year ago I believed that really tragic events belong in books and movies and won't happen to me. This happened to me, this happened to my family. I really lost my husband.  A year ago my kids had a dad, we had a future planned with him, We had dreams with him.

Our new kittens have been more amazing than I could have imagined. I hear Danny each morning,..running, laughing and cooing over the kittens. The TV is on less, the boys are getting along better. Danny's smile is brighter, he is excited to get up in the morning and excited to come home. This is the happiest I've seen Danny in a long time. I'm falling love with these kittens too...it's unexpected and happening so fast. It reminds me of when my babies were born and the love is so instant and full.

But...I find myself, insecure, terrified of losing these kittens. They are so fragile and vulnerable. I don't want my children to bare more loss or heart ache. I'm finding myself fighting feelings of mistrust and paranoia with life again. I feel like I'm waiting for the next ball to drop. I look at my kids and I think you are here today...will you be here tomorrow? Am I going to lose my children the same way I lost my husband...in a second?In a life altering, shocking....mind blowing second. Life can happen in a second. I now know and truly understand that life is always fragile, always vulnerable. I know I can't live like this. I can't live in fear that I will have to bare more loss...or my children will have to bare more loss. I need my peace...that place where the world is OK again. I know where that peace lies...it lies in my faith. I beleive Gord is in a special place, I believe I will see him again. I believe in eternal life....therefore...I should not fear death.

What I do know is that we faced this loss and have survived the emotional torture. The pain again is rising it's head. I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. It's like living in two separate worlds at the same time. A conscious world where reality is in the present. A rational world where I can reflect and easily find all the blessings in my life. I can look back on the past year and see that although we carried deep sad feelings, we were always healing and moving towards life. We were not ruined. At the same time the subconscious mind still processing, still trying to understand the loss, the trauma...the different world. I feel a disconnect again...where my thoughts and feeling don't always line up.

But I know...I have to go through this time. I have to ride these waves of grief, shock, intense emotions and change. I have to take it easy, self care and rest. This will pass. I will find my road again that has been paved with healing. This is a part of the healing process.

Logically; what happened to Gord is rare. Rationally, most likely my boys and I have a good chance of not having to face more tragedy any time soon. There are also no guarantees. I can live in fear or I can live in hope.

I  choose hope!

I choose to embrace the moment, the precious moments, the learning moments, the simple moments...the amazing moments that take your breath away. I think if Gord could talk to me now, I imagine he would tell me to find a way a live...find a way to be happy! He would want us to find peace in the midst of tragedy and joy despite the loss. There is still so much to be grateful for, so much to live for. Happiness is all he ever wanted for the boys and I and many others he loved!