Broken arms, Halloween, awards...I'm numbing out. I;m trying to find my solid ground, something to hold onto, to focus on. Easing my soul with candles, music and peppermint tea. Trying to soothe my spirit....deep breaths.
Danny's 3rd break rocked me. Only one week out of cast. The stress, the worry. I was jolted back into a state of hyper arousal. It reminds of a time Gord and I were hiking and we came across a black bear. We backed up slowly keeping our voices loud. Adrenaline ran through our veins and for the rest of the hike each squirrel, rustle of the leaves would cause me to jump, cause me to flinch.
I'm hyper aware, hyper alert, every little trip, or loud noise my boys make...I flinch, my heart surges...I just want it to stop. No more visits to the hospital.
I can't live like this. I don't want to live in a state of anxiety. I don't want to be overprotective.
In jest; a friend suggested a bubble wrap costume for Danny. I laughed, but secretly wish this was an actual option. But somehow...I have to let go...I have to still let my boys live.
This has shattered my confidence. How do I trust in life? Crisis after crisis...I'm exhausted.
My first reaction was...this is unfair...this is too much. Why?.....Why can't life give my break? ( Pun intended)
Seriously! What are the odds?
Husband dies at 36! Six year old breaks his arms 3 times in 4 months.
Odds!
Turns out there are no rules in the odds of life. You can roll a dice 10 times and have the same number show up every time. I think I believed that life should have a more of a natural balance. Some good times...some bad times. This is true, however...it's not always balanced. This has been a highly unlucky time for my family. Why? Well... I can spend a life time trying to solve that question or I can decided how we will cope...how we will live it. Whether I like it or not, whether it is fair or not, whether I deserve it or not....this has all happened. This is our reality! I can be resistant, I can be in denial, I can be angry, I can be frustrated...but that won't bring Gord back nor will it change Danny's emergency visits to the hospital. It won't help us to be resilient and move forward.
This week Danny received an award for showing perseverance with a broken arm. The teacher was so impressed with Danny's efforts using his left hand and his ability to remain calm when he was faced with challenges. I was so proud of him. It would be so easy to shut down, to become frustrated, to fall apart...day after day of struggling. I would never wish for my child to have to endure so much suffering. But he has....and although he has lost so much, he has gained something that will help him for the rest of his life. He has learned how to persevere through struggle. And he has done it with patience.
This last break has tested my perseverance...tested my patience. I felt like giving up. I felt like shutting down. Why do I try so hard? Why do I try to be a good mom? Why do I try to be strong? Why do I push myself everyday....when life just continues to push me down?
Danny inspired me! Danny reminded me life isn't about things running smoothly, getting my way or having things easy. Life is about making the best of what ever we have to work with.
I went to a session on single parenting yesterday. The man told us the number one way we can help our children to be resilient....is simply...maintaining our own positive attitude .
This life can be hard, I have a heavy burden to carry...the better I become at carrying this load, the stronger I will be. If Danny can shine in school despite losing his dad and coping with 3 broken arms, then the least I can do is pick my self up and try again. I want to be a positive influence on my boys. The best chance they have to continue towards having a good life is if I have a positive attitude.
The odds may not be in our favor right now...but odds are, no matter what we have to endure; we will still survive...we will thrive. We have learned how to live through pain, suffering and struggle. We have learned how to persevere.
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