One Year Later

The one year anniversary came and went. Like Christmas there was a huge build up, plenty of planning, many emotions and then... it was done. I had that feeling like....oh it's done. I was tired, weak...empty.

The weeks approaching I found my stress levels rising. I wouldn't cope as well with life's daily challenges. Sometimes I felt irritable and anxious,other times sad. As the day approached closer and closer I found myself reliving the week before Gord died. I could remember it all, I could remember details, conversations, the weather, clothes that were worn. I was also revisited by visions and flashbacks of the trauma, the shock. Again my mind was trying to make sense of it. It  doesn't make sense. It all became fresh again...

October 2nd was the day, I woke up to my parents in my home and a plan ahead of me. It was one of  those days where I woke up and felt amazed that I was alive. I survived! I survived 365 days even though my husband died. Now I have a day planned to honor him...to remember him. I felt glad to have this day set aside. I think about Gord and our life, our old life every day...but this day I could go there, be there...live there...breathe there...find him...connect with him.

I kept Danny home from school and told him that his relatives were coming and we were going to join friends and family to remember dad. He didn't ask too many questions. I told him the plan...he thought it was great.

In the morning we attended a mass at the retreat center. I can remember out of nowhere I was attacked with intense anxiety. I was driving...Danny started singing...this helped. During the mass my legs were numb. I didn't understand how I could stand when I couldn't feel my legs. This was the same feeling I had at Gord's funeral.

However...this time I knew I was going to be ok. It made sense I felt this way, I knew it was temporary.  I knew this response was a reflection of the loss and trauma I experienced one year earlier and it was all starting to make sense. Gord really died and it really has been one year.

The mass was so grounding and uplifting. It reminded me of my beliefs that I carry in the depths of my being. In the Catholic church October 2nd is the feast of the guardian angels. This warms my heart. It causes me to believe that we weren't alone the night Gord died. That perhaps we all had extra prayers, extra guidance. I still remember the lady that helped me that night. She just happened to be there, she happened to be exactly what I needed. My other neighbor was right there...to take the boys.

 I also think..... where was Gord's angel ? Why wasn't he helped?

He probably was. He wasn't alone. He died at home with his family. Only 5 minutes earlier he had been driving. I'm so grateful he wasn't driving when he had his heart attack.

It`s not always easy following this faith, It`s not easy to trust in God`s time, to trust in God`s plan.

However, I choose to have faith, I choose to trust. I trust that Gord is in good hands and that some day I will join him.

A year ago I was paralyzed with shock.  I believed I would not survive. A year ago I had anxiety attacks daily because any little bump pushed me beyond what I was capable of coping with. A year ago I was averaging 2-3 hours a night on sleep meds. A year ago I lost 20 lbs in two months because I lost my appetite. A year ago I had lost the ability to function and needed full time support. A year ago I had no idea how I would continue to be a mom. I never felt normal...I was either plagued with adrenaline or weak and listless.

Today I am high functioning. I no longer have a nanny. I rely on a day home and a sitter. I am managing the household, the children and my life daily. I can cope! I have learned how to live with the pain, roll with the punches and have faith in myself.  I`ve learned how to support my grieving children. I`ve learned how to find a way to cover all the bases in the home. I`ve found healthy productive ways to cope with all the change, all the anxst and all the grief. I`ve learned that exercise balances me, my faith grounds me, writing heals me, music soothes me. I`ve rebuilt many relationships that have become a constant support.  I`ve learned to find ways to be grateful, to be positive...to be proactive. I have found companionship in friends, family, my children and pets.

I have new eyes. I`m quick to find the value in life now. I`m quick to make the best of poor situation. I`m resourceful when presented with new challenges.

I experience the world differently. A beautiful view will send goosebumps all over my body. My laughing children fill me with a light beyond my own. A strong true friendship leaves me feeling with indescribable gratitude. A loving supportive family gives me a feeling of togetherness...a connection I never want to forget. Once you`ve had your hand on death....life can feel more alive then you can imagine.

I wanted to remember Gord and give others a place to remember him, to visit him in Hinton. I chose the board walk where beauty and nature meet. We spent countless days there as a family. I`ve ordered a bench. I showed my family and friends locations that are pending upon approval. It seemed to bring others peace and joy to know that there will a special place to remember Gord in Hinton. My mom said she could imagine Gord beaming in heaven telling all the saints that he gets his own bench.

All these acts to honor Gord brought me such peace. In the end I felt grateful to have a day set aside to remember Gord. A day to be with family and friends,,,,a day to connect with my husband in heaven.

The following weekend a friend of mine told me that on Friday morning, following Oct 2nd,  Danny came up to her as she dropped her daughter off at school. He was glowing and full of joy. She said his that big blue eyes and large smile was so endearing...so innocent and genuine. He enthusiastically told her that the day prior we had a special day just for his dad. He went on and told her that he went to church, for lunch and then went for a walk on the boardwalk.

We all need to take time to remember the ones we love, we need time to acknowledge the loss, the love...their life.

It`s one year later. I still miss Gord, I still love Gord. I still cry sometimes. I still miss the life we had. However, in a year I`ve climbed many mountains. I have rebuilt a new life. I have become stronger, I have been healing. Lately, My connection with Gord is becoming more constant. I beginning to feel like he is always with us, always sees us....always loves us.

I just want to take this opportunity to thank all the people in my life who have offered support in the past year. Thank you for all the meals, baking, phone calls and cards in the early months. Thank you for private messages, emails and supportive comments on Facebook and my blog. All encouragement has helped me to keep stepping forward. Thank you for prayers! The grace of God has helped the boys and I through this time. I sense it and see it all the time. Sometimes....prayer is the most helpful act we can offer. Thank you.