The past 3 nights I've been dreaming. In each dream, Gord has played a main character. I've awoken with this a feeling of awe and excitement. I got to see my husband! The 2 prior mornings I had no time to reflect or process but this morning Danny has no school and I am not working.
I lied there, I wanted to fall back asleep, I wanted the dreams to continue. I started trying to remember the dreams...I tried to remember Gord in my dreams,
It was so faint, it seemed so far away.
A sinking feeling came over me. It is a feeling I've had so many times this past year. It is when I am greeted again with the realization that Gord is really gone. I began to tell myself in my next dream I should try to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him...these are still the things I continue to miss so much.
Then I really started to think about all the things I wish I could do and say. I wish I could tell him about how much his boys have grown and how much they love and miss him everyday. I wish I could tell him about my problems, about my accomplishments, my wishes and my fears. I would really love to have his grounded insight on a few issues. I can imagine what he would think but I still miss our conversations so much.
I have found companionship in friends, family and even pets. But my companionship with Gord was so special. I've learned how to live without Gord, I've learned how to be a single mom. It's an amazing realization to go from being dependent on a husband to feeling like I can do it independently. I no longer feel like a need a man to make my life work. Despite this independence...I still miss Gord. I miss our friendship, I miss our love.
In my day to day I have grown so strong. I really find myself able to function at a high level. I have mapped out a life that promotes healing and has provided me with life long coping skills to continue to bare the loss.
In the early days I believed that I could out smart my grief. I thought if I was very present to the grief process and honest about my feelings with myself that somehow I could get through faster,..heal faster. Why? Not because I want to forget Gord....I just wanted to get past the pain and get back to normal. But no matter how often you water a plant, it has a process...it grows at it's own pace but by watering it well..it will be healthier and stronger. This is my hope too.
From the reading I had done, there is no rules to the grieving process. It is a unique experience for each individual. A person has to process the grief through their own personality, their own history...their own perceptions. You have to process consciously and subconsciously. You have to process it emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You have to process through your social world and through your internal world. I read that some can get through grief as early as 6 months and some it lasts a life time. Typically young widows active grieving process last two years. The literature went on explaining that the first year is spent coping with debilitating shock, dealing with children, finances, wills, adapting to an enormous amount of change and rebuilding a new life. In the second year the dust settles, life finds a new order and there is finally room to process.
This has become true for me. My evenings, again I continue to miss Gord so much. I find tv shows pull on my heart strings. I've been taking guitar lessons and the songs I'm drawn to play also trigger grief. I cry to my kittens. However, it is not intense, it is tender. I'm no longer overwhelmed with jarring realizations just a sweet sadness remembering the love of my life, remembering our life. The grief doesn't pull me into negative thinking or cause a low mood rather I feel like I'm tending to a wound that needs attention, a wound that still needs healing.
I've been visited by my husband 3 nights in a row. It is the closest to heaven I'll be on earth. I'm still letting go, still processing...still mourning my loss.
I know these dreams are a gift. I will store them up with the treasures of my heart.
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