The same evening after Gord's parents left, the boys and I pulled out the Halloween box full of costumes and decorations. Noah immediately wanted to put on the Mario costume and insisted I put on the Luigi costume. The excitement was thrilling; but there was a layer, beneath the surface....in my subconscious remembering....just touching the conscious mind.
We starting sticking pumpkins and ghosts on the walls. I started thinking about years passed. I wondered if I had decorated last year...I couldn't remember. Then it came to me...Danny had a dental surgery last Halloween. These thoughts were all slipping in as the boys continued to bounce around with the anticipation of Halloween.
I felt an exhaustion come over me. It was approaching the boys bedtime and I felt like I needed to take a few minutes before I began bedtime routine. I relaxed into a book and told myself...in 5 minutes I will get the boys ready for bed. Noah was having a snack.
I heard a bang in the kitchen...Danny came running to me....he shouted, " I broke my arm!"
That night in the hospital both Danny and I had a difficult time holding it together. We felt so defeated! Danny cried and cried expressing that he missed his dad so much.
We both crave his love and support through out these trials. We wonder how we cope without him. We want his large arms to hold us and his deep voice to ground us. We want his calm nature to bring us peace and his strong nature to encourage us. We still need him!
Danny received an award! As I observed in the audience I thought...I want to share this with Gord... I want to tell Gord what an amazing son he has. I wanted to watch Danny share it with his dad and witness the pride for his son. I wanted to see Danny light up to see his dads pride. I wondered if Danny was having the similar thoughts and feelings. I sent photos and videos to grandparents. Danny shared the news with his grandma. I could tell this need to fill a void was more my issue than his. I still told him that his dad is so proud.
The day of Halloween came. I found myself remembering..remembering how much fun we had as family with Gord through out the years. He was such a great sport to always dress up and live vicariously through his sons excitement. One of my strongest memories was the last year when Gord and Danny dressed as Mario and Luigi. My strongest recollections are of when we came back from trick or treating. Gord and Danny plopped down on the couches, emptied the bag of candy, put on a Halloween show and explored their treasures, indulging in chips and candy. Gord reminisced about his childhood and shared stories. He explained that he and his brother made these plans of how to be the most efficient to get as much candy as possible in the time they had. He went on to telling stories of how his dad would drive and they would go to apartment buildings and the streets with the most houses. I remember thinking it was so sweet that Gord and Danny were having this bonding moment.
In the early afternoon on Halloween I wondered how it would play out. I wondered if it was going to be hard. I wondered if we would feel the absence of Gord. I wondered if Danny would miss his dad.
At 4:30 we headed over to a friends house for pizza and then began the trick or treating adventure. I thought Noah looked so adorable in his costume. He seemed so mature keeping up with big boys. His little voice was so enduring every time he said trick or treat with his great big open mouth smile. Then finishing off with his sweet " Thanks". Gord would of loved to be a part of this. I'm sure in some way he was.
Danny and his buddy Lucas were on a mission. They ran up and down the driveways. Their bags became heavy and Danny invented a way to carry the bag wrapped around his shoulder and then hanging over the other shoulder. Such a fun activity!
There was so much happening. I couldn't help but live in the present. My boys were having a blast and I had a friend to share in the excitement. I felt so grateful to have another family to share this with.
I came home feeling a sense of releif, a sense of joy and a sense of pride. We had a great night and made great memories. I found myself remembering the prior year my dad joined Danny and I to collect candy while my mom handed out candy with Noah. I remember feeling amazed that we could have a good night so soon after Gord's passing. I had the same feeling of amazement. I felt a peace.
Last night I tucked Danny into bed, lying on our backs we smiled and giggled about the night we had. I turned to him and quietly said..." We had such a great Halloween and dad would be so happy for us."
Danny had a gentle smile come over his face...he hugged me and replied, " Yes, he would!"
To enjoy another holiday....was a sweet surprise!
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