A Rewritten Story

A year ago I remember trying to imagine what my life would like in a year to come. Here I am a year later and I'm new, different, changed! I've experienced so many changes in my perceptions of the world. It was as if I went through a boot camp of rewriting my understanding of the world... of life.

I use to spin, my mind use to spin trying to find answers... solutions. There were times I was so confused, so overwhelmed with emotion...so overwhelmed with all the processing. I use to sruggle with loneliness and isolation daily. I detested being alone!

It's all beginning to unfold and it's not what I had imagined, it's not what I anticipated at all.

I still miss Gord, I miss married life....a good healthy, happy marriage. It's taken me a year to believe that are other ways to have a rewarding life. It's taken me a year to believe I can be a good single mom. Its's taken me a year to believe that my boys can have a rich, fulfilling life despite they lost their dad at such a young age.

Honestly, I still would prefer to be married, I would love to have Gord back in a second but since I can't....I'm coming to understand that I have many ways to reap a rewarding life. There are a couple of one liners Gord left imprinted in my mind. He continues to ground me, guide me and help shape me with these everlasting truths.  There is one  particular message that has helped me to persevere, build a new life,  and has helped me to adapt to this dramatic change in my life. This message has pushed me to climb out of the self pity, the pain and the grief; and create new ways to find happiness.

" The only person who can ever really be responsible for their own happiness is...themselves."        
  - Gordon Mark

It was usually in moments where I was fretting about life and I was reaching out to Gord wanting him to help solve my problems, wanting him to help calm my emotions, wanting him to help me be happy. I can hear him, like it was yesterday.

" Jen, I care about you and want nothing more than for you to be happy, but your happiness is your responsibility."

It wasn't easy to hear that at the time, but now....I get it!

Guitar lessons have become a new best friend. I'm becoming more and more drawn in each day. I revel for my time to practice. It's exciting to be progressing. I wonder where this could lead. I'm dreaming again. I also love that guitar can be social instrument. I'm just beginning to jam with friends. So fun!

It's my third year in Taekwondo and it's finally starting to feel natural.  My body is beginning to feel strong again. Exercise continues to be a source that brings balance to my life. It's where I find my center.

Writing is such an adventure for me. It's raw, spontaneous, heart wrenching, exciting, adrenaline pumping and exhilarating. It's nerve racking, it's unpredictable and most importantly it's so therapeutic. It brings the spinning connections back into straight lines. I find deep truths buried in the pain. It is one of the most rewarding experiences to share my writing in hopes that I might play a role in reaching others, inspiring others or perhaps even bring healing to others. It brings purpose to my pain.

I have energy again. I am no longer sleep deprived. I'm feeling motivated again...I feel alive again.  I spent a year feeling less than. I spent a year, wishing I could be the mom I once was. I spent a year wishing I could be the friend, daughter, sister I once was. I'm not 100% back yet; however it's coming and it feels amazing. I never would of imagined I would feel such satisfaction from being able to keep a house clean, staying on top of laundry, cooking meals and spending quality time with my boys. I once lost the ability to maintain these jobs...now I can again and it feels amazing. The limitations that  I was once faced with no longer have the same grip on me.

As well I have adapted to the life as a single parent. I still find it discouraging at times to carry the load alone, however...now I know I can manage it. I've also learned how to cope with boredom and loneliness and thankfully I only experience these feelings on a rare occasions. The cloud has lifted, my life has normalized. It's not my original dream, but I'm learning how to rewrite my story.

I'm finding the friends and family in my life bring rich, rewarding relationships. Some relationships have become constant, dependable relationships that have brought my life a new joy.

Gord's passing ripped my world apart and I wasn't sure I would ever recover. I know parts of me...will always remember...always carry the memories. But I can see I am recovering. I use to wonder if I would ever really feel life's satisfaction again like I did when I was married to Gord. Lately; I have had more space to pay more attention to what is happening in lives around me.  I can see that in many ways my life has as much satisfaction, as much contentment and as much joy as most people, We all have a bag of history that writes a story of who we are.  We all have losses, struggles and problems to cope with.... no one ever has it all. I certainly don't have it all but I'm beginning to see I have enough.

Life is forever evolving, forever changing. Sometimes I wish I could nail down my identity and how my story makes me who I am today. Sometimes I wish I could create a life of comfort and predictability. As long as I am moving forward, I am in progression. Progressing isn't always the cushy, cozy ride. I'm a story in progress, a life always being written. Each chapter in history shapes how the story unfolds....but the story can only continue if I am moving forward...living in today...and dreaming for a future.

I have a good life. I have friends, family and kittens. I love my boys. I love being a parent. I have interests and  a bit of work just to keep things in balance.

 I lost my husband. I lost a dream.

 I gained new perceptions, new interests, new dreams...a new life.

Lately I wonder what Gord would want for me...for the boys and I. I also think about what I would want for him if the roles were reversed.

Happiness! What ever that looks like!

I think we are beginning to not only create a happy life...we are beginning to live and breathe a happy life again.

My story is being rewritten...one day at time. Gord is no longer here but plays a role in helping me rewrite this story. He forever occupies a part of my heart...a part of my mind. He left me with many messages that will forever shape me, help me and guide me to live a better life....a happy life.