Crosses and Losses!

I accepted a subbing gig for Danny's class last Friday.  A Remembrance Day celebration was taking place this same day. Although I knew there was a chance this could be a grief trigger, I assumed that Danny and I were strong enough to brave through such a ceremony. I was glad to be there in the gym to support Danny. I saw the look in Danny's eyes as he watched the video clips. Videos of soldiers and their families, crosses and losses. Images of  wives waving to their husbands, children grasping for their fathers. Reuniting embraces and soldiers carrying coffins. These images sparked so many emotions in me. I wondered how they affected Danny.  He glanced over at me with a look of sadness...like he wanted to cry. Meanwhile, my  tears were already falling. I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a nod. It was a nod of permission. He can cry!

He bowed his head for a moment and then looked up again and gave me a brave grin. I felt like he was showing me he was sad.... but he was OK. Through my sadness I found my smile too. It was special to share that moment together.

He loves and misses his dad. I love and miss my husband. We share the same sentiment.

Hearing the traditional trumpet sounds, the traditional poem and traditional songs of this day brought back a solemn feeling. I felt overwhelmed knowing that there has been so many families in wars that have lost a child, a spouse...a parent....at such a young age.

I know the pain, I know the loss.

I thought about soldiers....and the suffering they endure...

I thought about how I've only experienced a slight taste of post traumatic stress and how it has compromised my spirit. I thought about all they see, all they experience...all they lose..how much they sacrifice.

I wonder how I can feel so much. I wonder how the heart can  bare so much.

I thought about the message of Flanders Field and the common saying on Remembrance Day, "Lest we forget." I think about a painting I have seen over the years. The picture is divided in half contrasting war and peace. Below is an image of soldiers in the trenches, in the darkness...in war enduring death and suffering. There are soldiers holding up the ground. Above is an image of a family enjoying a beautiful day. The sun is shining. Everything is beautiful and everything is peaceful.




We need to remember! We need to know that all that we have today, all that we enjoy today, all the peace we have today in large part rests on the shoulders of soldiers who risk their lives for their country.

I'm still unsure of my opinion regarding war...and how necessary it is. Regardless...we must remember...We must carry on this fight for freedom, for justice...for goodness...for peace. As I type this right now I sit in the comfort of a warm home. The fridge is full, I have a vehicle. My boys are sleeping and they are safe. Such basics I take for granted everyday....for I know there are many who don't have the basics, are not free, are not safe.

"Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields."
- John Mcrae

It's so easy for us to remove ourselves from reality...when we witness something on a screen. It's so easy to think....I'm so glad I didn't have to experience that or " That will never happen to me." Fortunately; I've spent my life free from being exposed to war. I can honestly say... I feel safe in my world.

But this celebration, this Remembrance Day caused me to pause. It provoked something new in me; something beyond the 2 minutes of silence. These thoughts are staying with me, they are changing me, they are healing me.

This celebration took me out of my own suffering and reminded me all that I have, all that I still have to be grateful for. It reminded me I'm not the first young widow, I'm not the first mom to mourn the loss for their children. It reminded me there is suffering and loss all over the world. It reminded me that I live in a privileged society. It reminded me...that despite all my losses I've been left with enough to carry on, enough to build a new life, enough to be able to dream new dreams, My children have so many opportunities, so many privileges. We are surrounded by friends and family. We are safe...we are free.

Remembrance Day reminded me of all my losses... all of my crosses. However, it also reminded me of all that I have. I think in the end....that is the greatest message I received this year attending a celebration in remembrance of all those who risked their lives in wars. The greatest way I can remember, the greatest way I can continue to carry the torch is by appreciating all of my fortunes, I can be grateful to live in a safe and peaceful country and do all that I can to protect these amazing gifts of freedom and peace that were fought in honor of us, in honor of our children, in honor of our future and in honor of our beautiful country.