Broken arms, Halloween, awards...I'm numbing out. I;m trying to find my solid ground, something to hold onto, to focus on. Easing my soul with candles, music and peppermint tea. Trying to soothe my spirit....deep breaths.
Danny's 3rd break rocked me. Only one week out of cast. The stress, the worry. I was jolted back into a state of hyper arousal. It reminds of a time Gord and I were hiking and we came across a black bear. We backed up slowly keeping our voices loud. Adrenaline ran through our veins and for the rest of the hike each squirrel, rustle of the leaves would cause me to jump, cause me to flinch.
I'm hyper aware, hyper alert, every little trip, or loud noise my boys make...I flinch, my heart surges...I just want it to stop. No more visits to the hospital.
I can't live like this. I don't want to live in a state of anxiety. I don't want to be overprotective.
In jest; a friend suggested a bubble wrap costume for Danny. I laughed, but secretly wish this was an actual option. But somehow...I have to let go...I have to still let my boys live.
This has shattered my confidence. How do I trust in life? Crisis after crisis...I'm exhausted.
My first reaction was...this is unfair...this is too much. Why?.....Why can't life give my break? ( Pun intended)
Seriously! What are the odds?
Husband dies at 36! Six year old breaks his arms 3 times in 4 months.
Odds!
Turns out there are no rules in the odds of life. You can roll a dice 10 times and have the same number show up every time. I think I believed that life should have a more of a natural balance. Some good times...some bad times. This is true, however...it's not always balanced. This has been a highly unlucky time for my family. Why? Well... I can spend a life time trying to solve that question or I can decided how we will cope...how we will live it. Whether I like it or not, whether it is fair or not, whether I deserve it or not....this has all happened. This is our reality! I can be resistant, I can be in denial, I can be angry, I can be frustrated...but that won't bring Gord back nor will it change Danny's emergency visits to the hospital. It won't help us to be resilient and move forward.
This week Danny received an award for showing perseverance with a broken arm. The teacher was so impressed with Danny's efforts using his left hand and his ability to remain calm when he was faced with challenges. I was so proud of him. It would be so easy to shut down, to become frustrated, to fall apart...day after day of struggling. I would never wish for my child to have to endure so much suffering. But he has....and although he has lost so much, he has gained something that will help him for the rest of his life. He has learned how to persevere through struggle. And he has done it with patience.
This last break has tested my perseverance...tested my patience. I felt like giving up. I felt like shutting down. Why do I try so hard? Why do I try to be a good mom? Why do I try to be strong? Why do I push myself everyday....when life just continues to push me down?
Danny inspired me! Danny reminded me life isn't about things running smoothly, getting my way or having things easy. Life is about making the best of what ever we have to work with.
I went to a session on single parenting yesterday. The man told us the number one way we can help our children to be resilient....is simply...maintaining our own positive attitude .
This life can be hard, I have a heavy burden to carry...the better I become at carrying this load, the stronger I will be. If Danny can shine in school despite losing his dad and coping with 3 broken arms, then the least I can do is pick my self up and try again. I want to be a positive influence on my boys. The best chance they have to continue towards having a good life is if I have a positive attitude.
The odds may not be in our favor right now...but odds are, no matter what we have to endure; we will still survive...we will thrive. We have learned how to live through pain, suffering and struggle. We have learned how to persevere.
Friday, 31 October 2014
Friday, 24 October 2014
Storing up Treasures of my Heart
The past 3 nights I've been dreaming. In each dream, Gord has played a main character. I've awoken with this a feeling of awe and excitement. I got to see my husband! The 2 prior mornings I had no time to reflect or process but this morning Danny has no school and I am not working.
I lied there, I wanted to fall back asleep, I wanted the dreams to continue. I started trying to remember the dreams...I tried to remember Gord in my dreams,
It was so faint, it seemed so far away.
A sinking feeling came over me. It is a feeling I've had so many times this past year. It is when I am greeted again with the realization that Gord is really gone. I began to tell myself in my next dream I should try to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him...these are still the things I continue to miss so much.
Then I really started to think about all the things I wish I could do and say. I wish I could tell him about how much his boys have grown and how much they love and miss him everyday. I wish I could tell him about my problems, about my accomplishments, my wishes and my fears. I would really love to have his grounded insight on a few issues. I can imagine what he would think but I still miss our conversations so much.
I have found companionship in friends, family and even pets. But my companionship with Gord was so special. I've learned how to live without Gord, I've learned how to be a single mom. It's an amazing realization to go from being dependent on a husband to feeling like I can do it independently. I no longer feel like a need a man to make my life work. Despite this independence...I still miss Gord. I miss our friendship, I miss our love.
In my day to day I have grown so strong. I really find myself able to function at a high level. I have mapped out a life that promotes healing and has provided me with life long coping skills to continue to bare the loss.
In the early days I believed that I could out smart my grief. I thought if I was very present to the grief process and honest about my feelings with myself that somehow I could get through faster,..heal faster. Why? Not because I want to forget Gord....I just wanted to get past the pain and get back to normal. But no matter how often you water a plant, it has a process...it grows at it's own pace but by watering it well..it will be healthier and stronger. This is my hope too.
From the reading I had done, there is no rules to the grieving process. It is a unique experience for each individual. A person has to process the grief through their own personality, their own history...their own perceptions. You have to process consciously and subconsciously. You have to process it emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You have to process through your social world and through your internal world. I read that some can get through grief as early as 6 months and some it lasts a life time. Typically young widows active grieving process last two years. The literature went on explaining that the first year is spent coping with debilitating shock, dealing with children, finances, wills, adapting to an enormous amount of change and rebuilding a new life. In the second year the dust settles, life finds a new order and there is finally room to process.
This has become true for me. My evenings, again I continue to miss Gord so much. I find tv shows pull on my heart strings. I've been taking guitar lessons and the songs I'm drawn to play also trigger grief. I cry to my kittens. However, it is not intense, it is tender. I'm no longer overwhelmed with jarring realizations just a sweet sadness remembering the love of my life, remembering our life. The grief doesn't pull me into negative thinking or cause a low mood rather I feel like I'm tending to a wound that needs attention, a wound that still needs healing.
I've been visited by my husband 3 nights in a row. It is the closest to heaven I'll be on earth. I'm still letting go, still processing...still mourning my loss.
I know these dreams are a gift. I will store them up with the treasures of my heart.
I lied there, I wanted to fall back asleep, I wanted the dreams to continue. I started trying to remember the dreams...I tried to remember Gord in my dreams,
It was so faint, it seemed so far away.
A sinking feeling came over me. It is a feeling I've had so many times this past year. It is when I am greeted again with the realization that Gord is really gone. I began to tell myself in my next dream I should try to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him...these are still the things I continue to miss so much.
Then I really started to think about all the things I wish I could do and say. I wish I could tell him about how much his boys have grown and how much they love and miss him everyday. I wish I could tell him about my problems, about my accomplishments, my wishes and my fears. I would really love to have his grounded insight on a few issues. I can imagine what he would think but I still miss our conversations so much.
I have found companionship in friends, family and even pets. But my companionship with Gord was so special. I've learned how to live without Gord, I've learned how to be a single mom. It's an amazing realization to go from being dependent on a husband to feeling like I can do it independently. I no longer feel like a need a man to make my life work. Despite this independence...I still miss Gord. I miss our friendship, I miss our love.
In my day to day I have grown so strong. I really find myself able to function at a high level. I have mapped out a life that promotes healing and has provided me with life long coping skills to continue to bare the loss.
In the early days I believed that I could out smart my grief. I thought if I was very present to the grief process and honest about my feelings with myself that somehow I could get through faster,..heal faster. Why? Not because I want to forget Gord....I just wanted to get past the pain and get back to normal. But no matter how often you water a plant, it has a process...it grows at it's own pace but by watering it well..it will be healthier and stronger. This is my hope too.
From the reading I had done, there is no rules to the grieving process. It is a unique experience for each individual. A person has to process the grief through their own personality, their own history...their own perceptions. You have to process consciously and subconsciously. You have to process it emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You have to process through your social world and through your internal world. I read that some can get through grief as early as 6 months and some it lasts a life time. Typically young widows active grieving process last two years. The literature went on explaining that the first year is spent coping with debilitating shock, dealing with children, finances, wills, adapting to an enormous amount of change and rebuilding a new life. In the second year the dust settles, life finds a new order and there is finally room to process.
This has become true for me. My evenings, again I continue to miss Gord so much. I find tv shows pull on my heart strings. I've been taking guitar lessons and the songs I'm drawn to play also trigger grief. I cry to my kittens. However, it is not intense, it is tender. I'm no longer overwhelmed with jarring realizations just a sweet sadness remembering the love of my life, remembering our life. The grief doesn't pull me into negative thinking or cause a low mood rather I feel like I'm tending to a wound that needs attention, a wound that still needs healing.
I've been visited by my husband 3 nights in a row. It is the closest to heaven I'll be on earth. I'm still letting go, still processing...still mourning my loss.
I know these dreams are a gift. I will store them up with the treasures of my heart.
Tuesday, 7 October 2014
One Year Later
The one year anniversary came and went. Like Christmas there was a huge build up, plenty of planning, many emotions and then... it was done. I had that feeling like....oh it's done. I was tired, weak...empty.
The weeks approaching I found my stress levels rising. I wouldn't cope as well with life's daily challenges. Sometimes I felt irritable and anxious,other times sad. As the day approached closer and closer I found myself reliving the week before Gord died. I could remember it all, I could remember details, conversations, the weather, clothes that were worn. I was also revisited by visions and flashbacks of the trauma, the shock. Again my mind was trying to make sense of it. It doesn't make sense. It all became fresh again...
October 2nd was the day, I woke up to my parents in my home and a plan ahead of me. It was one of those days where I woke up and felt amazed that I was alive. I survived! I survived 365 days even though my husband died. Now I have a day planned to honor him...to remember him. I felt glad to have this day set aside. I think about Gord and our life, our old life every day...but this day I could go there, be there...live there...breathe there...find him...connect with him.
I kept Danny home from school and told him that his relatives were coming and we were going to join friends and family to remember dad. He didn't ask too many questions. I told him the plan...he thought it was great.
In the morning we attended a mass at the retreat center. I can remember out of nowhere I was attacked with intense anxiety. I was driving...Danny started singing...this helped. During the mass my legs were numb. I didn't understand how I could stand when I couldn't feel my legs. This was the same feeling I had at Gord's funeral.
However...this time I knew I was going to be ok. It made sense I felt this way, I knew it was temporary. I knew this response was a reflection of the loss and trauma I experienced one year earlier and it was all starting to make sense. Gord really died and it really has been one year.
The mass was so grounding and uplifting. It reminded me of my beliefs that I carry in the depths of my being. In the Catholic church October 2nd is the feast of the guardian angels. This warms my heart. It causes me to believe that we weren't alone the night Gord died. That perhaps we all had extra prayers, extra guidance. I still remember the lady that helped me that night. She just happened to be there, she happened to be exactly what I needed. My other neighbor was right there...to take the boys.
I also think..... where was Gord's angel ? Why wasn't he helped?
He probably was. He wasn't alone. He died at home with his family. Only 5 minutes earlier he had been driving. I'm so grateful he wasn't driving when he had his heart attack.
It`s not always easy following this faith, It`s not easy to trust in God`s time, to trust in God`s plan.
However, I choose to have faith, I choose to trust. I trust that Gord is in good hands and that some day I will join him.
A year ago I was paralyzed with shock. I believed I would not survive. A year ago I had anxiety attacks daily because any little bump pushed me beyond what I was capable of coping with. A year ago I was averaging 2-3 hours a night on sleep meds. A year ago I lost 20 lbs in two months because I lost my appetite. A year ago I had lost the ability to function and needed full time support. A year ago I had no idea how I would continue to be a mom. I never felt normal...I was either plagued with adrenaline or weak and listless.
Today I am high functioning. I no longer have a nanny. I rely on a day home and a sitter. I am managing the household, the children and my life daily. I can cope! I have learned how to live with the pain, roll with the punches and have faith in myself. I`ve learned how to support my grieving children. I`ve learned how to find a way to cover all the bases in the home. I`ve found healthy productive ways to cope with all the change, all the anxst and all the grief. I`ve learned that exercise balances me, my faith grounds me, writing heals me, music soothes me. I`ve rebuilt many relationships that have become a constant support. I`ve learned to find ways to be grateful, to be positive...to be proactive. I have found companionship in friends, family, my children and pets.
I have new eyes. I`m quick to find the value in life now. I`m quick to make the best of poor situation. I`m resourceful when presented with new challenges.
I experience the world differently. A beautiful view will send goosebumps all over my body. My laughing children fill me with a light beyond my own. A strong true friendship leaves me feeling with indescribable gratitude. A loving supportive family gives me a feeling of togetherness...a connection I never want to forget. Once you`ve had your hand on death....life can feel more alive then you can imagine.
I wanted to remember Gord and give others a place to remember him, to visit him in Hinton. I chose the board walk where beauty and nature meet. We spent countless days there as a family. I`ve ordered a bench. I showed my family and friends locations that are pending upon approval. It seemed to bring others peace and joy to know that there will a special place to remember Gord in Hinton. My mom said she could imagine Gord beaming in heaven telling all the saints that he gets his own bench.
All these acts to honor Gord brought me such peace. In the end I felt grateful to have a day set aside to remember Gord. A day to be with family and friends,,,,a day to connect with my husband in heaven.
The following weekend a friend of mine told me that on Friday morning, following Oct 2nd, Danny came up to her as she dropped her daughter off at school. He was glowing and full of joy. She said his that big blue eyes and large smile was so endearing...so innocent and genuine. He enthusiastically told her that the day prior we had a special day just for his dad. He went on and told her that he went to church, for lunch and then went for a walk on the boardwalk.
We all need to take time to remember the ones we love, we need time to acknowledge the loss, the love...their life.
It`s one year later. I still miss Gord, I still love Gord. I still cry sometimes. I still miss the life we had. However, in a year I`ve climbed many mountains. I have rebuilt a new life. I have become stronger, I have been healing. Lately, My connection with Gord is becoming more constant. I beginning to feel like he is always with us, always sees us....always loves us.
I just want to take this opportunity to thank all the people in my life who have offered support in the past year. Thank you for all the meals, baking, phone calls and cards in the early months. Thank you for private messages, emails and supportive comments on Facebook and my blog. All encouragement has helped me to keep stepping forward. Thank you for prayers! The grace of God has helped the boys and I through this time. I sense it and see it all the time. Sometimes....prayer is the most helpful act we can offer. Thank you.
The weeks approaching I found my stress levels rising. I wouldn't cope as well with life's daily challenges. Sometimes I felt irritable and anxious,other times sad. As the day approached closer and closer I found myself reliving the week before Gord died. I could remember it all, I could remember details, conversations, the weather, clothes that were worn. I was also revisited by visions and flashbacks of the trauma, the shock. Again my mind was trying to make sense of it. It doesn't make sense. It all became fresh again...
October 2nd was the day, I woke up to my parents in my home and a plan ahead of me. It was one of those days where I woke up and felt amazed that I was alive. I survived! I survived 365 days even though my husband died. Now I have a day planned to honor him...to remember him. I felt glad to have this day set aside. I think about Gord and our life, our old life every day...but this day I could go there, be there...live there...breathe there...find him...connect with him.
I kept Danny home from school and told him that his relatives were coming and we were going to join friends and family to remember dad. He didn't ask too many questions. I told him the plan...he thought it was great.
In the morning we attended a mass at the retreat center. I can remember out of nowhere I was attacked with intense anxiety. I was driving...Danny started singing...this helped. During the mass my legs were numb. I didn't understand how I could stand when I couldn't feel my legs. This was the same feeling I had at Gord's funeral.
However...this time I knew I was going to be ok. It made sense I felt this way, I knew it was temporary. I knew this response was a reflection of the loss and trauma I experienced one year earlier and it was all starting to make sense. Gord really died and it really has been one year.
The mass was so grounding and uplifting. It reminded me of my beliefs that I carry in the depths of my being. In the Catholic church October 2nd is the feast of the guardian angels. This warms my heart. It causes me to believe that we weren't alone the night Gord died. That perhaps we all had extra prayers, extra guidance. I still remember the lady that helped me that night. She just happened to be there, she happened to be exactly what I needed. My other neighbor was right there...to take the boys.
I also think..... where was Gord's angel ? Why wasn't he helped?
He probably was. He wasn't alone. He died at home with his family. Only 5 minutes earlier he had been driving. I'm so grateful he wasn't driving when he had his heart attack.
It`s not always easy following this faith, It`s not easy to trust in God`s time, to trust in God`s plan.
However, I choose to have faith, I choose to trust. I trust that Gord is in good hands and that some day I will join him.
A year ago I was paralyzed with shock. I believed I would not survive. A year ago I had anxiety attacks daily because any little bump pushed me beyond what I was capable of coping with. A year ago I was averaging 2-3 hours a night on sleep meds. A year ago I lost 20 lbs in two months because I lost my appetite. A year ago I had lost the ability to function and needed full time support. A year ago I had no idea how I would continue to be a mom. I never felt normal...I was either plagued with adrenaline or weak and listless.
Today I am high functioning. I no longer have a nanny. I rely on a day home and a sitter. I am managing the household, the children and my life daily. I can cope! I have learned how to live with the pain, roll with the punches and have faith in myself. I`ve learned how to support my grieving children. I`ve learned how to find a way to cover all the bases in the home. I`ve found healthy productive ways to cope with all the change, all the anxst and all the grief. I`ve learned that exercise balances me, my faith grounds me, writing heals me, music soothes me. I`ve rebuilt many relationships that have become a constant support. I`ve learned to find ways to be grateful, to be positive...to be proactive. I have found companionship in friends, family, my children and pets.
I have new eyes. I`m quick to find the value in life now. I`m quick to make the best of poor situation. I`m resourceful when presented with new challenges.
I experience the world differently. A beautiful view will send goosebumps all over my body. My laughing children fill me with a light beyond my own. A strong true friendship leaves me feeling with indescribable gratitude. A loving supportive family gives me a feeling of togetherness...a connection I never want to forget. Once you`ve had your hand on death....life can feel more alive then you can imagine.
I wanted to remember Gord and give others a place to remember him, to visit him in Hinton. I chose the board walk where beauty and nature meet. We spent countless days there as a family. I`ve ordered a bench. I showed my family and friends locations that are pending upon approval. It seemed to bring others peace and joy to know that there will a special place to remember Gord in Hinton. My mom said she could imagine Gord beaming in heaven telling all the saints that he gets his own bench.
All these acts to honor Gord brought me such peace. In the end I felt grateful to have a day set aside to remember Gord. A day to be with family and friends,,,,a day to connect with my husband in heaven.
The following weekend a friend of mine told me that on Friday morning, following Oct 2nd, Danny came up to her as she dropped her daughter off at school. He was glowing and full of joy. She said his that big blue eyes and large smile was so endearing...so innocent and genuine. He enthusiastically told her that the day prior we had a special day just for his dad. He went on and told her that he went to church, for lunch and then went for a walk on the boardwalk.
We all need to take time to remember the ones we love, we need time to acknowledge the loss, the love...their life.
It`s one year later. I still miss Gord, I still love Gord. I still cry sometimes. I still miss the life we had. However, in a year I`ve climbed many mountains. I have rebuilt a new life. I have become stronger, I have been healing. Lately, My connection with Gord is becoming more constant. I beginning to feel like he is always with us, always sees us....always loves us.
I just want to take this opportunity to thank all the people in my life who have offered support in the past year. Thank you for all the meals, baking, phone calls and cards in the early months. Thank you for private messages, emails and supportive comments on Facebook and my blog. All encouragement has helped me to keep stepping forward. Thank you for prayers! The grace of God has helped the boys and I through this time. I sense it and see it all the time. Sometimes....prayer is the most helpful act we can offer. Thank you.
Wednesday, 1 October 2014
One year ago...
I feel like I'm warping. Warping back...I keep thinking.... one year ago. I'm fixed on it. I want to look away but...it keeps pulling me back in. A year ago my husband was here, a year ago I had no idea I was going to lose him in seconds. A year ago I had no idea that the next day I would witness his death. A year ago I believed that really tragic events belong in books and movies and won't happen to me. This happened to me, this happened to my family. I really lost my husband. A year ago my kids had a dad, we had a future planned with him, We had dreams with him.
Our new kittens have been more amazing than I could have imagined. I hear Danny each morning,..running, laughing and cooing over the kittens. The TV is on less, the boys are getting along better. Danny's smile is brighter, he is excited to get up in the morning and excited to come home. This is the happiest I've seen Danny in a long time. I'm falling love with these kittens too...it's unexpected and happening so fast. It reminds me of when my babies were born and the love is so instant and full.
But...I find myself, insecure, terrified of losing these kittens. They are so fragile and vulnerable. I don't want my children to bare more loss or heart ache. I'm finding myself fighting feelings of mistrust and paranoia with life again. I feel like I'm waiting for the next ball to drop. I look at my kids and I think you are here today...will you be here tomorrow? Am I going to lose my children the same way I lost my husband...in a second?In a life altering, shocking....mind blowing second. Life can happen in a second. I now know and truly understand that life is always fragile, always vulnerable. I know I can't live like this. I can't live in fear that I will have to bare more loss...or my children will have to bare more loss. I need my peace...that place where the world is OK again. I know where that peace lies...it lies in my faith. I beleive Gord is in a special place, I believe I will see him again. I believe in eternal life....therefore...I should not fear death.
What I do know is that we faced this loss and have survived the emotional torture. The pain again is rising it's head. I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. It's like living in two separate worlds at the same time. A conscious world where reality is in the present. A rational world where I can reflect and easily find all the blessings in my life. I can look back on the past year and see that although we carried deep sad feelings, we were always healing and moving towards life. We were not ruined. At the same time the subconscious mind still processing, still trying to understand the loss, the trauma...the different world. I feel a disconnect again...where my thoughts and feeling don't always line up.
But I know...I have to go through this time. I have to ride these waves of grief, shock, intense emotions and change. I have to take it easy, self care and rest. This will pass. I will find my road again that has been paved with healing. This is a part of the healing process.
Logically; what happened to Gord is rare. Rationally, most likely my boys and I have a good chance of not having to face more tragedy any time soon. There are also no guarantees. I can live in fear or I can live in hope.
I choose hope!
I choose to embrace the moment, the precious moments, the learning moments, the simple moments...the amazing moments that take your breath away. I think if Gord could talk to me now, I imagine he would tell me to find a way a live...find a way to be happy! He would want us to find peace in the midst of tragedy and joy despite the loss. There is still so much to be grateful for, so much to live for. Happiness is all he ever wanted for the boys and I and many others he loved!
Our new kittens have been more amazing than I could have imagined. I hear Danny each morning,..running, laughing and cooing over the kittens. The TV is on less, the boys are getting along better. Danny's smile is brighter, he is excited to get up in the morning and excited to come home. This is the happiest I've seen Danny in a long time. I'm falling love with these kittens too...it's unexpected and happening so fast. It reminds me of when my babies were born and the love is so instant and full.
But...I find myself, insecure, terrified of losing these kittens. They are so fragile and vulnerable. I don't want my children to bare more loss or heart ache. I'm finding myself fighting feelings of mistrust and paranoia with life again. I feel like I'm waiting for the next ball to drop. I look at my kids and I think you are here today...will you be here tomorrow? Am I going to lose my children the same way I lost my husband...in a second?In a life altering, shocking....mind blowing second. Life can happen in a second. I now know and truly understand that life is always fragile, always vulnerable. I know I can't live like this. I can't live in fear that I will have to bare more loss...or my children will have to bare more loss. I need my peace...that place where the world is OK again. I know where that peace lies...it lies in my faith. I beleive Gord is in a special place, I believe I will see him again. I believe in eternal life....therefore...I should not fear death.
What I do know is that we faced this loss and have survived the emotional torture. The pain again is rising it's head. I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. It's like living in two separate worlds at the same time. A conscious world where reality is in the present. A rational world where I can reflect and easily find all the blessings in my life. I can look back on the past year and see that although we carried deep sad feelings, we were always healing and moving towards life. We were not ruined. At the same time the subconscious mind still processing, still trying to understand the loss, the trauma...the different world. I feel a disconnect again...where my thoughts and feeling don't always line up.
But I know...I have to go through this time. I have to ride these waves of grief, shock, intense emotions and change. I have to take it easy, self care and rest. This will pass. I will find my road again that has been paved with healing. This is a part of the healing process.
Logically; what happened to Gord is rare. Rationally, most likely my boys and I have a good chance of not having to face more tragedy any time soon. There are also no guarantees. I can live in fear or I can live in hope.
I choose hope!
I choose to embrace the moment, the precious moments, the learning moments, the simple moments...the amazing moments that take your breath away. I think if Gord could talk to me now, I imagine he would tell me to find a way a live...find a way to be happy! He would want us to find peace in the midst of tragedy and joy despite the loss. There is still so much to be grateful for, so much to live for. Happiness is all he ever wanted for the boys and I and many others he loved!
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