A Little Extra in the Ordinary!

Missing the simple things....Tonight I'm experiencing tears of grief. Surprisingly,  its not a result of packing for a trip without my husband, nor because I need to set up a Christmas tree without my husband. Tonight I'm reduced to tears because I miss visiting with him after supper.

Most evenings after supper the boys would disappear into the basement and watch their favorite shows or chase each other around in circles. Leaving dishes unattended, Gord and I  would make our way to the living room and melt into the sofas sipping on tea or red wine,  We would discuss, debrief, plan for our weekends, our holidays...our future.

 Tonight after supper, the boys quickly drifted downstairs...the dishes were left. I sat in a quiet living room....and all I could do is remember.

I can picture him lying the full length of the couch; his hat hanging off the top of his head with his hair fluffing out the sides. I can hear him talking out his day, trying to find new angles to solve problems at work . We both were always so free to talk, to share. We were so comfortable! It was a time of on ongoing inside jokes, we would discuss TV programs, the latest news, and our daily news. We shared our highs and lows, our failures, our fears, our dreams...our successes.

This little routine brought so much comfort to my life. This little moment in our day is where we filled each others cups again. It is when we reconnected,

I could remember it all, it didn't make sense again. He is gone!

Danny heard my sniffle. He asked if I was OK.

I reminded him that his dad and I use to visit every evening and that I really miss that right now.

Danny nodded his head in agreement and then pointed beside me on the couch and replied, " But mom.... he is right there."

My tears of grief changed. I was reminded that I do often feel close to Gord.

Danny came in for a snuggle. I inquired if he often feels like dad is close by.

He replied, " All the time and he hugs me every night too."

Aw!

There are so many special moments we share with our loved ones. There are so many profound memories....However the memories that I seem the most emotionally attached to are often the memories of the everyday, the ordinary, the routine. It was in the everyday where I felt loved, deeply connected and cherished by Gord. It was in the everyday that we worked together, where we build each other, where we encouraged each other.

This reminds me to appreciate the ordinary days. The days where I see the same friends I often see, the days where I chat with family on the phone. The days I spend time with my boys....just doing ordinary, everyday things. This is all really extraordinary. I have to appreciate today.....because now I know it is what I will miss the most.

Gord is here with me in so many ways...I have two little angels that bring him to me so often...

P.S Thanks for letting me debrief....Now...it's time to get the dishes done ;)

A Rewritten Story

A year ago I remember trying to imagine what my life would like in a year to come. Here I am a year later and I'm new, different, changed! I've experienced so many changes in my perceptions of the world. It was as if I went through a boot camp of rewriting my understanding of the world... of life.

I use to spin, my mind use to spin trying to find answers... solutions. There were times I was so confused, so overwhelmed with emotion...so overwhelmed with all the processing. I use to sruggle with loneliness and isolation daily. I detested being alone!

It's all beginning to unfold and it's not what I had imagined, it's not what I anticipated at all.

I still miss Gord, I miss married life....a good healthy, happy marriage. It's taken me a year to believe that are other ways to have a rewarding life. It's taken me a year to believe I can be a good single mom. Its's taken me a year to believe that my boys can have a rich, fulfilling life despite they lost their dad at such a young age.

Honestly, I still would prefer to be married, I would love to have Gord back in a second but since I can't....I'm coming to understand that I have many ways to reap a rewarding life. There are a couple of one liners Gord left imprinted in my mind. He continues to ground me, guide me and help shape me with these everlasting truths.  There is one  particular message that has helped me to persevere, build a new life,  and has helped me to adapt to this dramatic change in my life. This message has pushed me to climb out of the self pity, the pain and the grief; and create new ways to find happiness.

" The only person who can ever really be responsible for their own happiness is...themselves."        
  - Gordon Mark

It was usually in moments where I was fretting about life and I was reaching out to Gord wanting him to help solve my problems, wanting him to help calm my emotions, wanting him to help me be happy. I can hear him, like it was yesterday.

" Jen, I care about you and want nothing more than for you to be happy, but your happiness is your responsibility."

It wasn't easy to hear that at the time, but now....I get it!

Guitar lessons have become a new best friend. I'm becoming more and more drawn in each day. I revel for my time to practice. It's exciting to be progressing. I wonder where this could lead. I'm dreaming again. I also love that guitar can be social instrument. I'm just beginning to jam with friends. So fun!

It's my third year in Taekwondo and it's finally starting to feel natural.  My body is beginning to feel strong again. Exercise continues to be a source that brings balance to my life. It's where I find my center.

Writing is such an adventure for me. It's raw, spontaneous, heart wrenching, exciting, adrenaline pumping and exhilarating. It's nerve racking, it's unpredictable and most importantly it's so therapeutic. It brings the spinning connections back into straight lines. I find deep truths buried in the pain. It is one of the most rewarding experiences to share my writing in hopes that I might play a role in reaching others, inspiring others or perhaps even bring healing to others. It brings purpose to my pain.

I have energy again. I am no longer sleep deprived. I'm feeling motivated again...I feel alive again.  I spent a year feeling less than. I spent a year, wishing I could be the mom I once was. I spent a year wishing I could be the friend, daughter, sister I once was. I'm not 100% back yet; however it's coming and it feels amazing. I never would of imagined I would feel such satisfaction from being able to keep a house clean, staying on top of laundry, cooking meals and spending quality time with my boys. I once lost the ability to maintain these jobs...now I can again and it feels amazing. The limitations that  I was once faced with no longer have the same grip on me.

As well I have adapted to the life as a single parent. I still find it discouraging at times to carry the load alone, however...now I know I can manage it. I've also learned how to cope with boredom and loneliness and thankfully I only experience these feelings on a rare occasions. The cloud has lifted, my life has normalized. It's not my original dream, but I'm learning how to rewrite my story.

I'm finding the friends and family in my life bring rich, rewarding relationships. Some relationships have become constant, dependable relationships that have brought my life a new joy.

Gord's passing ripped my world apart and I wasn't sure I would ever recover. I know parts of me...will always remember...always carry the memories. But I can see I am recovering. I use to wonder if I would ever really feel life's satisfaction again like I did when I was married to Gord. Lately; I have had more space to pay more attention to what is happening in lives around me.  I can see that in many ways my life has as much satisfaction, as much contentment and as much joy as most people, We all have a bag of history that writes a story of who we are.  We all have losses, struggles and problems to cope with.... no one ever has it all. I certainly don't have it all but I'm beginning to see I have enough.

Life is forever evolving, forever changing. Sometimes I wish I could nail down my identity and how my story makes me who I am today. Sometimes I wish I could create a life of comfort and predictability. As long as I am moving forward, I am in progression. Progressing isn't always the cushy, cozy ride. I'm a story in progress, a life always being written. Each chapter in history shapes how the story unfolds....but the story can only continue if I am moving forward...living in today...and dreaming for a future.

I have a good life. I have friends, family and kittens. I love my boys. I love being a parent. I have interests and  a bit of work just to keep things in balance.

 I lost my husband. I lost a dream.

 I gained new perceptions, new interests, new dreams...a new life.

Lately I wonder what Gord would want for me...for the boys and I. I also think about what I would want for him if the roles were reversed.

Happiness! What ever that looks like!

I think we are beginning to not only create a happy life...we are beginning to live and breathe a happy life again.

My story is being rewritten...one day at time. Gord is no longer here but plays a role in helping me rewrite this story. He forever occupies a part of my heart...a part of my mind. He left me with many messages that will forever shape me, help me and guide me to live a better life....a happy life.

Crosses and Losses!

I accepted a subbing gig for Danny's class last Friday.  A Remembrance Day celebration was taking place this same day. Although I knew there was a chance this could be a grief trigger, I assumed that Danny and I were strong enough to brave through such a ceremony. I was glad to be there in the gym to support Danny. I saw the look in Danny's eyes as he watched the video clips. Videos of soldiers and their families, crosses and losses. Images of  wives waving to their husbands, children grasping for their fathers. Reuniting embraces and soldiers carrying coffins. These images sparked so many emotions in me. I wondered how they affected Danny.  He glanced over at me with a look of sadness...like he wanted to cry. Meanwhile, my  tears were already falling. I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a nod. It was a nod of permission. He can cry!

He bowed his head for a moment and then looked up again and gave me a brave grin. I felt like he was showing me he was sad.... but he was OK. Through my sadness I found my smile too. It was special to share that moment together.

He loves and misses his dad. I love and miss my husband. We share the same sentiment.

Hearing the traditional trumpet sounds, the traditional poem and traditional songs of this day brought back a solemn feeling. I felt overwhelmed knowing that there has been so many families in wars that have lost a child, a spouse...a parent....at such a young age.

I know the pain, I know the loss.

I thought about soldiers....and the suffering they endure...

I thought about how I've only experienced a slight taste of post traumatic stress and how it has compromised my spirit. I thought about all they see, all they experience...all they lose..how much they sacrifice.

I wonder how I can feel so much. I wonder how the heart can  bare so much.

I thought about the message of Flanders Field and the common saying on Remembrance Day, "Lest we forget." I think about a painting I have seen over the years. The picture is divided in half contrasting war and peace. Below is an image of soldiers in the trenches, in the darkness...in war enduring death and suffering. There are soldiers holding up the ground. Above is an image of a family enjoying a beautiful day. The sun is shining. Everything is beautiful and everything is peaceful.




We need to remember! We need to know that all that we have today, all that we enjoy today, all the peace we have today in large part rests on the shoulders of soldiers who risk their lives for their country.

I'm still unsure of my opinion regarding war...and how necessary it is. Regardless...we must remember...We must carry on this fight for freedom, for justice...for goodness...for peace. As I type this right now I sit in the comfort of a warm home. The fridge is full, I have a vehicle. My boys are sleeping and they are safe. Such basics I take for granted everyday....for I know there are many who don't have the basics, are not free, are not safe.

"Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields."
- John Mcrae

It's so easy for us to remove ourselves from reality...when we witness something on a screen. It's so easy to think....I'm so glad I didn't have to experience that or " That will never happen to me." Fortunately; I've spent my life free from being exposed to war. I can honestly say... I feel safe in my world.

But this celebration, this Remembrance Day caused me to pause. It provoked something new in me; something beyond the 2 minutes of silence. These thoughts are staying with me, they are changing me, they are healing me.

This celebration took me out of my own suffering and reminded me all that I have, all that I still have to be grateful for. It reminded me I'm not the first young widow, I'm not the first mom to mourn the loss for their children. It reminded me there is suffering and loss all over the world. It reminded me that I live in a privileged society. It reminded me...that despite all my losses I've been left with enough to carry on, enough to build a new life, enough to be able to dream new dreams, My children have so many opportunities, so many privileges. We are surrounded by friends and family. We are safe...we are free.

Remembrance Day reminded me of all my losses... all of my crosses. However, it also reminded me of all that I have. I think in the end....that is the greatest message I received this year attending a celebration in remembrance of all those who risked their lives in wars. The greatest way I can remember, the greatest way I can continue to carry the torch is by appreciating all of my fortunes, I can be grateful to live in a safe and peaceful country and do all that I can to protect these amazing gifts of freedom and peace that were fought in honor of us, in honor of our children, in honor of our future and in honor of our beautiful country.

Sweet Surprises!

I'm processing so many different things right now. I have a hard time following just one line of thought, This past week I've been jostled by so many pangs of grief. It began last weekend. Gord's parents came for a visit. We all had a special time together...enjoying activities and visiting. In the evening the adults indulged in a night out in Jasper. The hope was to take in the Dark Sky event of ski watching. Unfortunately, the snow globe effect doesn't promote much entertainment in the sky. We were left to continue sipping wine and embracing an evening without children. I really enjoyed sharing with them...I saw so much of  the good of Gord in both of them. I felt so grateful to have this time with them but it left my heart...missing Gord.

The same evening after Gord's parents left, the boys and I pulled out the Halloween box full of costumes and decorations. Noah immediately wanted to put on the Mario costume and insisted I put on the Luigi costume. The excitement was thrilling; but there was a layer, beneath the surface....in my subconscious remembering....just touching the conscious mind.

We starting sticking pumpkins and ghosts on the walls. I started thinking about years passed. I wondered if I had decorated last year...I couldn't remember. Then it came to me...Danny had a dental surgery last Halloween. These thoughts were all slipping in as the boys continued to bounce around with the anticipation of Halloween.

I felt an exhaustion come over me. It was approaching the boys bedtime and I felt like I needed to take a few minutes before I began bedtime routine. I relaxed into a book and told myself...in 5 minutes I will get the boys ready for bed. Noah was having a snack.

I heard a bang in the kitchen...Danny came running to me....he shouted, " I broke my arm!"

That night in the hospital both Danny and I had a difficult time holding it together. We felt so defeated! Danny cried and cried expressing that he missed his dad so much.

We both crave his love and support through out these trials. We wonder how we cope without him. We want his large arms to hold us and his deep voice to ground us. We want his calm nature to bring us peace and his strong nature to encourage us. We still need him!

Danny received an award! As I observed in the audience I thought...I want to share this with Gord... I want to tell Gord what an amazing son he has. I wanted to watch  Danny share it with his dad and witness the pride for his son. I wanted to see Danny light up to see his dads pride. I wondered if Danny was having the similar thoughts and feelings. I sent photos and videos to grandparents. Danny shared the news with his grandma. I could tell this need to fill a void was more my issue than his. I still told him that his dad is so proud.

The day of Halloween came. I found myself remembering..remembering how much fun we had as family with Gord through out the years. He was such a great sport to always dress up and live vicariously through his sons excitement. One of my strongest memories was the last year when Gord and Danny dressed as Mario and Luigi. My strongest recollections are of when we came back from trick or treating. Gord and Danny plopped down on the couches, emptied the bag of candy, put on a Halloween show and explored their treasures, indulging in chips and candy. Gord reminisced about his childhood and shared stories. He explained that he and his brother made these plans of how to be the most efficient to get as much candy as possible in the time they had. He went on to telling stories of how his dad would drive and they would go to apartment buildings and the streets with the most houses. I remember thinking it was so sweet that Gord and Danny were having this bonding moment.

In the early afternoon on Halloween I wondered how it would play out. I wondered if it was going to be hard. I wondered if we would feel the absence of Gord. I wondered if Danny would miss his dad.

At 4:30 we headed over to a friends house for pizza and then began the trick or treating adventure. I thought Noah looked so adorable in his costume. He seemed so mature keeping up with big boys. His little  voice was so enduring every time he said trick or treat with his great big open mouth smile. Then finishing off with his sweet " Thanks". Gord would of loved to be a part of this. I'm sure in some way he was.

Danny and his buddy Lucas were on a mission. They ran up and down the driveways. Their bags became heavy and Danny invented a way to carry the bag wrapped around his shoulder and then hanging over the other shoulder. Such a fun activity!

There was so much happening. I couldn't help but live in the present. My boys were having a blast and I had a friend to share in the excitement. I felt so grateful to have another family to share this with.

I came home feeling a sense of releif, a sense of joy and a sense of pride. We had a great night and made great memories. I found myself remembering the prior year my dad joined Danny and I to collect candy while my mom handed out candy with Noah. I remember feeling amazed that we could have a good night so soon after Gord's passing. I had the same feeling of amazement. I felt a peace.

Last night I tucked Danny into bed, lying on our backs we smiled and giggled about the night we had. I turned to him and quietly said..." We had such a great Halloween and dad would be so happy for us."

Danny had a gentle smile come over his face...he hugged me and replied, " Yes, he would!"

To enjoy another holiday....was a sweet surprise!