Stepping past Discouragement

I wouldn't say I have writers block right now. I'm fairly certain that my fingers will write as freely as I allow them too. I will admit I feel inhibited. Sharing is becoming more uncomfortable...yet I still crave it. I think more than anything I am struggling with where I am at in the process. I thought it would look different by now. In many ways I am so different...in many ways the pain remains the same...I'm just getting better at living with it.

I'm a first time griever. I have no basis or foundation to look on as I go through this journey. I have read articles, books, blogs. I have been seeing a councilor since two weeks into the experience. I've really let go of trying to understand this grieving process or somehow make this experience more predictable. The past few days I have been low, bummed out...slightly in a depressive mood. At the same time...not really...because, unless I let anyone know that I am struggling...I come across as doing well. Which in some ways....I am.

Today I cried 3 times....each time it felt like I wouldn't stop. However...every time I did and I still managed to play soccer with my boys, do a road trip to Jasper with them to see a movie, get groceries, go for ice cream and go to the park. I fed them all their meals and snacks and put them to bed. I have my moments...but I push through and still make a good day wherever I can.

I miss him so much right now, all the time... I love Gord so much. I feel lost...because I thought that maybe over time the feelings would fade....I thought maybe the pain would fade. But now I realize that this pain is forever. The only way the pain will stop is if...the love stops.Then I proceed to think...but do I really ever want to stop loving Gord? It's impossible! I will always love him.

 I can never see him again, hug him again, hear his voice again...but yet I know that whether or not I want to endure this pain; my heart will love him forever. I don't understand how this works...I've never in my entire life yearned for something so intensely while knowing that I will never experience his life on earth again. It's still hard for me to let go of my what my hopes were, what my ideals were.

It seems to me, all I have left to do...is accept the pain, accept the loss, accept that there will always be a part of me that loves Gord so much even though...I will never see him again.

Tonight I talked to one of Gord's closest people. He assured me that loss is ok, death is ok, pain is ok. It's all a part of life....it's a natural part of life. Enduring great loss is a part of the human experience...it is an important part of the human experience. It is how we grow and get to see life differently.  It is ok...that I will have this pain for life...It is ok if I love for Gord for life.

 I can see why Gord was so close to this person. I think this is something that Gord would say.

Objectively, I'm doing very well. This friend tonight also shared with me that although it may feel like I'm stuck...like I am not moving forward...he assured me that I am making leaps and bounds in my life and he was amazed at my progress. He said that I am living life well.

It's challenging for me to appreciate how great my life is right now....because I am bearing deep pain. My world often still  feels like a bad dream I never signed up for. My world still often...doesn't make sense.

But that is not rational. This is how I feel in the moment...right now...maybe the past couple of days.

I still have a wonderful life....I just don't perceive it that way...right now.

What I can rely on for understanding... is the past 10 months to look on and how I have survived, coped and often times thrived. From day one I started making new memories...positive memories. I had good days, some great days and some amazing days. I've had many insights, epiphanies, moments of clarity and illuminating ideas. I have had many firsts as a young widow. This experience has also been excruciating, heart wrenching, debilitating. It has been stepping forward, falling backward and running in circles. It is still more like a maze than predictable journey. And although I so often feel like I'm regressing...weak. There is a side of me that knows that I am still in fact always stronger, always growing...always healing. I know I am always working towards acceptance, peace and understanding.

Wow, I'm glad I took the plunge and wrote this blog. This writing journey continues to bring me to new hope. Today I read an article about creative problem solving. The article touched on many ideas but what resonated with me the strongest was the idea that creativity leads to new ideas...new insights... which is one of the best feelings ever...which then can be shared with others.  I am so grateful for this opportunity to create...for the opportunity to share.

When I started this blog I was feeling discouraged at the idea of having to bare this pain for life, ...but as I wrote it became clear to me that although it is for life....it isn't everyday. I have many moments and even days that are pain free. This pain...although often feels unbearable...has purpose, is natural and this experience, this journey is all a part of full human experience. Although it feels hard right now...there are many good days ahead, many great days to look forward to.

Broken Bones Heal and so do Broken hearts

I have overcome all special occasions for the first year. I finally felt myself beginning to relax, beginning to enjoy the carefree life of summer. Last weekend, I spontaneously decided to soak up the hot weather and I blasted off to the family cabin.  Family and fun has become my new normal on weekends. It's easy to travel now and the cabin is relatively close...makes for a ton of fun with many of my favorite people to play and socialize with. On Sunday afternoon we found ourselves playing...My parents and boys were splashing in the sun. I know we were all missing Gord but I sensed he would only be shining bright to see us all bask in the summer heat and relive our own childhood memories.

The boys were so full of joy. To me; it is the height of summer to be with those you love and fully embrace those activities that only appear on these few hot Alberta days.

We have a large floating device that is pulled by a boat. This device has been the highlight for the kids at the cabin. On land...this device had more use, being flipped and jumped on. Danny had the brilliant idea of bringing this flotation device into shallow water.

My dad lounged on this tube shaped like a large sofa. Playfully, Danny thought it would be humorous to dunk his grandpa. With glasses and a hat on his head I held my breath to see his my dad's reaction. My dad exploded out of the water with a large smile and began teasing Danny and dunked him in return. Such a good sport! The playful games had begun.

Later on that afternoon we found ourselves again in the lake. I was following Noah, he is quite the fish under water as well. Grandpa and Danny returned to their dunking game on the large tube device. All I could hear was laughter.

Then...I heard a scream, Danny had broke his arm. He fell onto his arm with all his weight. His arm was evidently bent with a dip in the middle. Immediately; we were all in crisis mode. We all jumped out of the water. My mom held Danny as he shrieked in excruciating pain. I ran  into my little cabin to get changed and grab clothing for the boys. I became so infuriated. I thought." I can't believe this is happening to my family, to my little boy...again."

When we arrived, we covered Danny in blankets. He had stopped crying. I was in line to a triage nurse. My dad was with Danny, I noticed Danny began to turn white and looked as if he could pass out. I went to the front of the line, directly to the nurse and asked her to come look at my son...is he going into shock? Within minutes we found ourselves in an emergency room.

The doctor was going to need to straighten the arm. They were going to put him on medication through intravenous. However, this medication needed to be administered on an empty stomach. Earlier when Danny was turning white we had encouraged him to eat some granola bar. The doctor wanted us to wait 3 hours to administer the medication to wait for the food to digest.

Danny began to complain his fingers felt strange. The doctors decided the risk of waiting was a greater risk than administering the medication. The arm needed to be put back in place as soon as possible to avoid nerve damage.The doctor administering the medication pulled me aside, he put a form in front of me. In a very serious tone he informed me that this medication had possible life threatening side effects and I needed to give my consent. I felt my knees buckling...he waited...I signed.

As they administered the medication I held Danny's hand. My mind began to spin. I found myself praying...just like I did the night Gord died. All those feelings returned, all those feelings were triggered. I was having a hard time holding it together. I tried to stay positive, I tried to have hope...but my fears took over. I had to leave the room. I told my dad to keep me posted and to come get me if there was any problems. I found myself waiting...panicking...not knowing what to think again. It reminded me of my darkest hour waiting to hear about the news about Gord....I called my mom, she was understanding, she was helpful. I knew I wanted to be with my son. I pulled myself together and went back in the room.

He was heavily sedated, his arm was straight...he was in the clear. I felt releif...

The nurse informed me after that the complications that can happen with that medicine are rare....in twelve years in the OR he had never witnessed a severe complication.

That would of been good knowledge to have before I had a mental meltdown.

As Danny came to, he was joking with his grandpa and thought the experience wasn't so bad. He loved the wheel chair ,made a friend, had stickers, a balloon and had a tour of the hospital. His resilience and ability to live in the moment reminded me we were going to be OK. As well when Danny was 4, he broke his elbow and I had that experience to know that we will survive this summer too.  Seeing Danny's strength is a reminder to me of all he has already faced, all that he has already overcome.When he first broke his arm I was devastated at the idea of Danny having to endure more suffering.  I can see now...that he is strong enough to endure this...and so am I.

They wrapped him up with a camouflage cast, which seemed quite fitting for such a brave boy.

Finally they ended with x-rays which proved the bones hadn't perfectly gone back into place. They have been sent off to a specialist. We meet next Monday and we will discuss the x rays of Danny's  arm. It is likely his arm will need to be reset.

This whole experience has rocked me. My being feels disrupted, unsure. In some ways I feel like I have retreated back into survival mode...in other ways I am still strong. I am still able to maintain all regular activities but I am trying to take things slow again. I'm using all the strategies and tools I've acquired over the months to help me be resilient...to help me stay strong. Danny continues to amaze me with his positive attitude, his ability to adapt and his resilience. He doesn't complain about the pain or the loss of many summer activities. He just keeps moving forward.

It has been so heart wrenching to watch Danny suffer this injury, on top of all his suffering... but to see him bounce back reminds me there is hope.

This event triggered many horrifying thoughts and feelings...but thankfully this story has a different ending. Danny`s arm will heal, I will recover from the stress...and we will go on to have good lives. Right now it seems as if I'm waiting for the next ball to drop. I'm on alert. But we have survived it, and hopefully this experience will help me to cope better with future visits to the hospital, future emergencies...because with kids....they are going to happen.

Again; this experience reminds me to appreciate the moment, appreciate my kids, my family and my life.

When this first happened all I could think about is how Danny's summer will be so different then we had planned, our summer will be so different. However...in a quiet moment...in my deep disappointment; I kind of felt like I heard a whisper... to let go, let go of needing a plan. Although there is always a plan...it's hard to accept that I won't always get to have a say of how that plan unfolds. Everyday we are faced with letting go, we are faced with loss....but in the end we are still OK. We seem to have what we need, we seem to be able to bare challenges. Not always gracefully....but we bare them.

I would really like a break from life happening right now....But that is not possible. Life will always happen, especially if we are out living it! My little family continues to survive the obstacles that are thrown our way.  That is the hope I hang onto. Knowing...we can overcome adversity.

It's just a broken arm, we will get past this. We will still have a good summer, and a good life.

Broken bones heal....and so do broken hearts.

36 Forever!

Look for the balloons, they are above the boat.



My mind continues to try and make straight lines among a web of tangled perceptions. Logically I thought my husband would live a long life... ideally even just until 70. It was never hard to imagine what it would be like to grow old with Gord. After 10 years our conversations only became more interesting, our love deeper and our fun...grander. We seemed to easily enjoy our world in very much the same way...together. We had a strong bond, a strong marriage...by no means a perfect marriage...however; a strong marriage. I still often wonder why God allowed this to happen, why I had to lose something so precious...so soon. It's his birthday today...and I wonder if he still ages if he is not here. Is he 37? or 36 forever?

I discussed this conundrum with my mom. She explained that people often say " Today he would've been...."

Right...that is common sense but most 38 year olds don't have to refer to their late husbands age.

 I thought about the future, I reflected on the idea that in 10 years I will have aged 10 years but my memories of Gord will remain of him when he was 36. This is just so odd to me.

On birthdays we often acknowledge how special a person is and send them well wishes.

Well....I've written so many blogs about how special Gord is. It's not difficult to go on about his intelligence, his good character and nature. Today...there are three main things I am most grateful for. The joy, the love and security he brought to our lives. These are things I still long and yearn for everyday.

However, I am beginning to find these things in my world again...everyday. I find it in the moments. I am beginning to feel like the special family and friends in my life are filling the void. I'm starting to have that feeling of feeling loved...all the time. The loneliness is beginning to melt away. My boys and I are discovering that our little family is still strong, our bonds have grown, our love is larger. The circle of love between the 3 of us is becoming enough. We are laughing more, enjoying life more. Danny seems to have turned a corner. He has not cried in over a week. Even with all the firsts...he seems at peace, content. It`s as if...even at 6 years old he is finding acceptance. I`m so grateful, even if it for just a period of time..to watch Danny enjoy his carefree nature, enjoy his childhood.

I am building a new, genuine confidence. I continue to be amazed that I am fully capable of being a single mom. It`s starting to become natural. Even when I hit walls...I`ve learned to pick up the phone. There are many helpful men in my life. We are finding joy, love and security in our lives again!

I`m so grateful that Gord was born and was a part of this world. Our world will forever be changed just by knowing him.

The night before Gords birthday, his parents, my parents, the boys and I gathered at the cabin. It was a beautiful, peaceful evening. The summer is such an easy, carefree time of year. Reminds me so much of Gord. A couple of years ago Gord discovered a margarita machine and decided it was the greatest invention. I bought it for his birthday. From that day forward he became known for his creations. Just last summer on his birthday he was coming out to the fire with a tray after tray of margaritas, passing them out to his guests. This year my dad found a recipe, strawberry lime margaritas. The blender was going, it was like Gord was there. It felt as though summer had arrived.

A friend who has also endured a great tragedy shared that releasing balloons on a birthday can be very helpful. Danny made a card, my parents and I wrote letters. We read them to each other. It was difficult, we became all choked up with each letter. However, it was healing to share. We attached helium balloons to our letters and cards. Experimenting with how many balloons were needed for each letter lightened the mood. It was neat to make predictions how many balloons it would take to make the letters lift and as well to watch the balance of weight change. Together with the boys we strolled down to the lake. Once we arrived at the beach we naturally broke out into song, without planning ahead and sang Happy Birthday to Gord. We released the balloons and watched them slowly take flight. It was amazing to watch them....we could see them for so long....then they faded away. For a moment I felt so connected to Gord, so connected to my boys and my parents. I felt such an instant release in my body. I was bearing so much emotion and it all....just fell away or perhaps left with the balloons.

Tonight in my evening prayers with my boys we thanked God for the years we were blessed with Gord in our lives, we thanked God for the continued blessings of Gord in our hearts and we prayed that Gord had an extra special day in heaven.

My memories of Gord may remain of him as 36 forever but we will always celebrate his life on his birthday.

Becoming my part in the new plan

Yesterday my mind and body was over come with deep grief. It engulfs me, takes over me. However; today I feel new, renewed. I feel light and free. I'm excited about the day and have a little tingle of joy running through my body.

Yesterday I purged my soul. My heart was so heavy. It was such a release to let go of the emotion, face it....look at it, try to understand it.

Today instead of deep grief, I feel a deep peace. My world looks beautiful again.

It seems like overcoming the intense emotions, releasing the deep feelings eventually leaves me with a feeling of accomplishment....like I climbed another mountain. I get to the other side....and the view is glorious. It is terrifying facing these emotions, I fear they will permanently take over. Ironically, the opposite happens. I find a new peace and new strength.

It is beyond my understanding how am I going to say good bye to Gord. This was not a part of my plan. I can be resistant, I can be bitter, I can hold on tight to something that is no longer here; or I can accept it, adapt and become a part of the change, become a part of new plan.

Daily I remind myself, Gord would want me to be happy, he would want the boys and I to live full lives. Today I have found a new peace, a new contentment. It feels so real. Today I feel privileged to live, to breathe, to love!

Morning Mourning

This morning I awoke feeling sore all over. On Monday night I did the ladies mountain bike ride. Had two wipe outs, both minor, both have left me feeling sore. Last night I went to ladies golf, had such a fun time. I'm really enjoying getting to know this group of ladies and my golfing...well; it's a slow process, but I'm progressing.

These new social activities are adding so much to my life. They also provoke grief. Gord loved both of these sports. Last summer Gord and I had a couple of date days. We would mountain bike, go for lunch, do more mountain biking and if we had enough time we would reward our physical activity with an ice cream. Now, every time I come home I wish I could tell him all about the trails, the woman, my adventures and my injuries. But he is not here. He would be so excited for me.

Gord talked often about golf. Before we met he lived in a small town away from friends and family, he found golf to be a great way to meet people. Between kids and our lives he didn't have much opportunity to golf over the years. Last summer on one of our mountain bike dates we found ourselves at the golf coarse for lunch. One of the most beautiful views in town with a patio. We began discussing golf, Gord had decided the following summer he would like to take up golf again and thought I should consider giving it a whirl too. He continued to dream and suggested that we could put our boys in lessons when they are older and maybe in time we could be golfing as a family. So here I am....golfing, taking lessons and I've joined the ladies night. I come home and I want to tell him all about my night out. I'm also feeling sad that as I continue to improve I realized last night I won't have the opportunity to go golfing with him.

This moving forward is hard at times. Lately I look around at my life and it feels and looks so different. This week I looked at the same family picture I often look at. For so long I would look at the picture and wait for it to register, many times it didn't. Over the past few months I would look at it and reality would set in. Last night I looked at this picture and for the first time...it felt as though....this picture is now a part of my past. It's so hard to even type this. I've worked so hard to get this far, to move forward and I just miss him so much, I miss our life so much, I miss who I was with him.

I have many deep bonds in my life...but I am realizing that the bond I had with Gord was so unique...so special. Gord had a way of  turning everything and anything into a discussion. He was so analytic. I can see now, that he played a a huge role in developing that in my mind. I use to go through my days noting things, analyzing...so I would have things to offer to the conversations. Everything I did had so much more meaning and purpose. My mind was so stimulated...so active. This is beginning to fade. Now I go through my day, I have many times where I enjoy the activities, times where I can be frustrated with problems....but I'm not analyzing as much anymore...I don't have Gord to share it with, to discuss it with. I feel like my mind is less active...with out him. I miss this so much.  So often...I come home and my spirit drops.


This morning...I fell deep into mourning.My whole body aches; but my heart aches more.

This healing process, grieving process; it lasts so long. My mind. body and spirit has gone through so much healing and  change but somehow.... all this healing and change is causing me to grieve the past more. I've gone through so many positive changes though out this process, I've grown and in many ways I've been healing and transforming, however; today I miss my old life more. It's hard to let go of Gord, let go of our life together...let go of who I was with him.

In the midst of this deep grief, I still trust that my life has great purpose. I trust that my boys and I will have a good life. I trust that although I am crawling out from an old life that blessed me so deeply, I know that I will rise with a new life, that I will be changed. I trust that although I will have to leave behind something that was so beautiful...the change will be beautiful too. What I miss the most about Gord is bringing about the greatest change in me....the desire to write and live out my internal world...and share it with others.

Happy Birthday Mr.D

The past few days have been unusual. My life in so many ways has returned back to a new level of normalcy. I have relatively the same energy, I have resumed regular activity and even on days like today where I feel lost in my mind, lost in my soul we enjoy the day.

The weather, Canada Day, Danny's birthday, Gord's birthday. I feel in a haze, walking with constant thoughts, constant memories, constant planning. I have a difficult time retaining information. My mind is so busy....processing. But somehow in the haze,in  the constant head chatter I can feed my boys, take care of the house, do activities with the boys, plan birthdays, cope with issues. Wow, no wonder I feel overwhelmed sometimes.

Yesterday when I went to the Fohn Festival in Hinton for Canada day. It felt as if it was just the day before that we were there with Gord. I had clear memories of the year before. I can remember it was sunny, it was hot! I remember all the people we ran into, I remember Noah was cranky because of the heat. Gord took him home early so Danny could continue enjoying all the activity. This year we left early, Noah was uncooperative...it occurred to me today Noah still doesn't like the heat.

6 years earlier on Canada Day at 42 weeks pregnant I was induced, then we went to the Fohn festival, It was hot and sunny! I can remember we were both beaming with excitement.

These memories keep following me. I remember we were so excited to have a baby. Danny came 2 weeks late; so by the time he arrived we were so ready. It was weather just like this. I can remember fans in my hospital room. I remember Gord was the first one to hold Danny. It was so amazing to watch this big burly man turn into a giant teddy bear as he gazed into his sons eyes for the first time. I had C sections, so Gord held both babies first. These moments were some of the most precious, some of the most touching moments in my life.

The intense grief I am experiencing is pouring out of me. I was hoping I would be better at this by now. I continue to experience these thoughts as if I just saw Gord; but at the same time it can feel like an eternity since I've seen him.  I miss Gord so much. I can't really imagine how I am going to celebrate Danny's birthday tomorrow with out him. I know we will celebrate, I know Danny will be surrounded by friends, his favorite things and favorite food. With the help of a good friend I'm planning a Mario theme party. Actually, for about  6 months Danny has been planning a Mario theme party. Still, at least a couple of times a week Danny talks about his fondest memories of Gord are playing Mario Kart with him. Although I walk this journey with Danny I still don't really know what it is like for him. I got to have both parents growing up. I can't really fully understand what it would be like at 5 to watch your dad have a heart attack and watch your mom fall apart... But lately Danny has been stronger, happier and brave. I feel so proud of him, I feel inspired by him!

About six months ago, Danny asked for a new Mario game, but it came with a new gaming system. I wanted Danny to have some concept of what 300$ dollars looked like. Diligently, Danny started a program to complete daily chores to raise money for the new game and system. $60. My son raised $60  helping his mom out and I am so proud. Today as I expressed my pride to Danny, he asked if I have enough money to cover the rest. He said that he didn't want to use all my money to buy a system. He was willing to go without. My heart melted. I told him I promised we would still have enough; enough to eat. live and enjoy the things we love. He was so overjoyed. Honestly... my husband left behind some angels.

Gord loved Danny so much. Days after he was born he called him Mr.D. Once I asked Gord where he got the idea for the name and he said it would make a good name for a rock star or pro athlete. Danny was a wiggly little one. He would always rather be on the floor playing as opposed to being held as a baby. Except...with Gord. Gord had a way of taming Danny. In Gord's arms Danny became still. Gord loved Danny's enthusiasm and sense of humor. I can remember Gord saying. " He is such a friendly guy." Gord was so proud of Danny for just being the gentle friendly boy he was, but he also loved that Danny showed a certain brightness and curiosity. Danny continues to reflect so much of Gords disposition and nature. This morning when Danny was willing to sacrifice his dream game that he had been working for 6 months to earn, it reminded me of Gord. He so often put our happiness first. He made many sacrifices just to see us smile.

This reminds me that tomorrow...for Gord...we need to smile. We need to remember that is all he ever wanted for us. As much as our hearts break that he is no longer here with us, we can remember how much he loved us. We can treasure the memories and know that somehow he will be with us in a special way. I know, if he has anything to do with it, he will not miss out on his sons Mario birthday party.

In the early weeks after Gord passed I wondered how we would continue on. I thought our lives would be devastated. I thought losing Gord would mean that we would miss out on a good life. On days like today I realize that to some degree,we will never be the same. There will always be days like today...that are hard. That realization often makes me feel disappointed, but today I realized Gord is worth it. Our tears of sadness reflect the love we will always carry in our hearts. Somehow along with the sadness we also find joy.  We enjoy each other, we enjoy our families, friends...we enjoy our world.

I'm still so grateful to have shared so many great memories with such a great man. He was an amazing dad...and my boys will forever know that.

I hope Danny is able to create new special memories on his birthday while acknowledging the memories with his dad. In some strange way, it seems both the past and present can exist together. Sadness, joy and gratefulness are the mixed emotions we continue to experience each day as we  learn to live with our new life.