I have overcome all special occasions for the first year. I finally felt myself beginning to relax, beginning to enjoy the carefree life of summer. Last weekend, I spontaneously decided to soak up the hot weather and I blasted off to the family cabin. Family and fun has become my new normal on weekends. It's easy to travel now and the cabin is relatively close...makes for a ton of fun with many of my favorite people to play and socialize with. On Sunday afternoon we found ourselves playing...My parents and boys were splashing in the sun. I know we were all missing Gord but I sensed he would only be shining bright to see us all bask in the summer heat and relive our own childhood memories.
The boys were so full of joy. To me; it is the height of summer to be with those you love and fully embrace those activities that only appear on these few hot Alberta days.
We have a large floating device that is pulled by a boat. This device has been the highlight for the kids at the cabin. On land...this device had more use, being flipped and jumped on. Danny had the brilliant idea of bringing this flotation device into shallow water.
My dad lounged on this tube shaped like a large sofa. Playfully, Danny thought it would be humorous to dunk his grandpa. With glasses and a hat on his head I held my breath to see his my dad's reaction. My dad exploded out of the water with a large smile and began teasing Danny and dunked him in return. Such a good sport! The playful games had begun.
Later on that afternoon we found ourselves again in the lake. I was following Noah, he is quite the fish under water as well. Grandpa and Danny returned to their dunking game on the large tube device. All I could hear was laughter.
Then...I heard a scream, Danny had broke his arm. He fell onto his arm with all his weight. His arm was evidently bent with a dip in the middle. Immediately; we were all in crisis mode. We all jumped out of the water. My mom held Danny as he shrieked in excruciating pain. I ran into my little cabin to get changed and grab clothing for the boys. I became so infuriated. I thought." I can't believe this is happening to my family, to my little boy...again."
When we arrived, we covered Danny in blankets. He had stopped crying. I was in line to a triage nurse. My dad was with Danny, I noticed Danny began to turn white and looked as if he could pass out. I went to the front of the line, directly to the nurse and asked her to come look at my son...is he going into shock? Within minutes we found ourselves in an emergency room.
The doctor was going to need to straighten the arm. They were going to put him on medication through intravenous. However, this medication needed to be administered on an empty stomach. Earlier when Danny was turning white we had encouraged him to eat some granola bar. The doctor wanted us to wait 3 hours to administer the medication to wait for the food to digest.
Danny began to complain his fingers felt strange. The doctors decided the risk of waiting was a greater risk than administering the medication. The arm needed to be put back in place as soon as possible to avoid nerve damage.The doctor administering the medication pulled me aside, he put a form in front of me. In a very serious tone he informed me that this medication had possible life threatening side effects and I needed to give my consent. I felt my knees buckling...he waited...I signed.
As they administered the medication I held Danny's hand. My mind began to spin. I found myself praying...just like I did the night Gord died. All those feelings returned, all those feelings were triggered. I was having a hard time holding it together. I tried to stay positive, I tried to have hope...but my fears took over. I had to leave the room. I told my dad to keep me posted and to come get me if there was any problems. I found myself waiting...panicking...not knowing what to think again. It reminded me of my darkest hour waiting to hear about the news about Gord....I called my mom, she was understanding, she was helpful. I knew I wanted to be with my son. I pulled myself together and went back in the room.
He was heavily sedated, his arm was straight...he was in the clear. I felt releif...
The nurse informed me after that the complications that can happen with that medicine are rare....in twelve years in the OR he had never witnessed a severe complication.
That would of been good knowledge to have before I had a mental meltdown.
As Danny came to, he was joking with his grandpa and thought the experience wasn't so bad. He loved the wheel chair ,made a friend, had stickers, a balloon and had a tour of the hospital. His resilience and ability to live in the moment reminded me we were going to be OK. As well when Danny was 4, he broke his elbow and I had that experience to know that we will survive this summer too. Seeing Danny's strength is a reminder to me of all he has already faced, all that he has already overcome.When he first broke his arm I was devastated at the idea of Danny having to endure more suffering. I can see now...that he is strong enough to endure this...and so am I.
They wrapped him up with a camouflage cast, which seemed quite fitting for such a brave boy.
Finally they ended with x-rays which proved the bones hadn't perfectly gone back into place. They have been sent off to a specialist. We meet next Monday and we will discuss the x rays of Danny's arm. It is likely his arm will need to be reset.
This whole experience has rocked me. My being feels disrupted, unsure. In some ways I feel like I have retreated back into survival mode...in other ways I am still strong. I am still able to maintain all regular activities but I am trying to take things slow again. I'm using all the strategies and tools I've acquired over the months to help me be resilient...to help me stay strong. Danny continues to amaze me with his positive attitude, his ability to adapt and his resilience. He doesn't complain about the pain or the loss of many summer activities. He just keeps moving forward.
It has been so heart wrenching to watch Danny suffer this injury, on top of all his suffering... but to see him bounce back reminds me there is hope.
This event triggered many horrifying thoughts and feelings...but thankfully this story has a different ending. Danny`s arm will heal, I will recover from the stress...and we will go on to have good lives. Right now it seems as if I'm waiting for the next ball to drop. I'm on alert. But we have survived it, and hopefully this experience will help me to cope better with future visits to the hospital, future emergencies...because with kids....they are going to happen.
Again; this experience reminds me to appreciate the moment, appreciate my kids, my family and my life.
When this first happened all I could think about is how Danny's summer will be so different then we had planned, our summer will be so different. However...in a quiet moment...in my deep disappointment; I kind of felt like I heard a whisper... to let go, let go of needing a plan. Although there is always a plan...it's hard to accept that I won't always get to have a say of how that plan unfolds. Everyday we are faced with letting go, we are faced with loss....but in the end we are still OK. We seem to have what we need, we seem to be able to bare challenges. Not always gracefully....but we bare them.
I would really like a break from life happening right now....But that is not possible. Life will always happen, especially if we are out living it! My little family continues to survive the obstacles that are thrown our way. That is the hope I hang onto. Knowing...we can overcome adversity.
It's just a broken arm, we will get past this. We will still have a good summer, and a good life.
Broken bones heal....and so do broken hearts.
No comments:
Post a Comment