My mind continues to try and make straight lines among a web of tangled perceptions. Logically I thought my husband would live a long life... ideally even just until 70. It was never hard to imagine what it would be like to grow old with Gord. After 10 years our conversations only became more interesting, our love deeper and our fun...grander. We seemed to easily enjoy our world in very much the same way...together. We had a strong bond, a strong marriage...by no means a perfect marriage...however; a strong marriage. I still often wonder why God allowed this to happen, why I had to lose something so precious...so soon. It's his birthday today...and I wonder if he still ages if he is not here. Is he 37? or 36 forever?
I discussed this conundrum with my mom. She explained that people often say " Today he would've been...."
Right...that is common sense but most 38 year olds don't have to refer to their late husbands age.
I thought about the future, I reflected on the idea that in 10 years I will have aged 10 years but my memories of Gord will remain of him when he was 36. This is just so odd to me.
On birthdays we often acknowledge how special a person is and send them well wishes.
Well....I've written so many blogs about how special Gord is. It's not difficult to go on about his intelligence, his good character and nature. Today...there are three main things I am most grateful for. The joy, the love and security he brought to our lives. These are things I still long and yearn for everyday.
However, I am beginning to find these things in my world again...everyday. I find it in the moments. I am beginning to feel like the special family and friends in my life are filling the void. I'm starting to have that feeling of feeling loved...all the time. The loneliness is beginning to melt away. My boys and I are discovering that our little family is still strong, our bonds have grown, our love is larger. The circle of love between the 3 of us is becoming enough. We are laughing more, enjoying life more. Danny seems to have turned a corner. He has not cried in over a week. Even with all the firsts...he seems at peace, content. It`s as if...even at 6 years old he is finding acceptance. I`m so grateful, even if it for just a period of time..to watch Danny enjoy his carefree nature, enjoy his childhood.
I am building a new, genuine confidence. I continue to be amazed that I am fully capable of being a single mom. It`s starting to become natural. Even when I hit walls...I`ve learned to pick up the phone. There are many helpful men in my life. We are finding joy, love and security in our lives again!
I`m so grateful that Gord was born and was a part of this world. Our world will forever be changed just by knowing him.
The night before Gords birthday, his parents, my parents, the boys and I gathered at the cabin. It was a beautiful, peaceful evening. The summer is such an easy, carefree time of year. Reminds me so much of Gord. A couple of years ago Gord discovered a margarita machine and decided it was the greatest invention. I bought it for his birthday. From that day forward he became known for his creations. Just last summer on his birthday he was coming out to the fire with a tray after tray of margaritas, passing them out to his guests. This year my dad found a recipe, strawberry lime margaritas. The blender was going, it was like Gord was there. It felt as though summer had arrived.
A friend who has also endured a great tragedy shared that releasing balloons on a birthday can be very helpful. Danny made a card, my parents and I wrote letters. We read them to each other. It was difficult, we became all choked up with each letter. However, it was healing to share. We attached helium balloons to our letters and cards. Experimenting with how many balloons were needed for each letter lightened the mood. It was neat to make predictions how many balloons it would take to make the letters lift and as well to watch the balance of weight change. Together with the boys we strolled down to the lake. Once we arrived at the beach we naturally broke out into song, without planning ahead and sang Happy Birthday to Gord. We released the balloons and watched them slowly take flight. It was amazing to watch them....we could see them for so long....then they faded away. For a moment I felt so connected to Gord, so connected to my boys and my parents. I felt such an instant release in my body. I was bearing so much emotion and it all....just fell away or perhaps left with the balloons.
Tonight in my evening prayers with my boys we thanked God for the years we were blessed with Gord in our lives, we thanked God for the continued blessings of Gord in our hearts and we prayed that Gord had an extra special day in heaven.
My memories of Gord may remain of him as 36 forever but we will always celebrate his life on his birthday.
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