This morning I awoke feeling sore all over. On Monday night I did the ladies mountain bike ride. Had two wipe outs, both minor, both have left me feeling sore. Last night I went to ladies golf, had such a fun time. I'm really enjoying getting to know this group of ladies and my golfing...well; it's a slow process, but I'm progressing.
These new social activities are adding so much to my life. They also provoke grief. Gord loved both of these sports. Last summer Gord and I had a couple of date days. We would mountain bike, go for lunch, do more mountain biking and if we had enough time we would reward our physical activity with an ice cream. Now, every time I come home I wish I could tell him all about the trails, the woman, my adventures and my injuries. But he is not here. He would be so excited for me.
Gord talked often about golf. Before we met he lived in a small town away from friends and family, he found golf to be a great way to meet people. Between kids and our lives he didn't have much opportunity to golf over the years. Last summer on one of our mountain bike dates we found ourselves at the golf coarse for lunch. One of the most beautiful views in town with a patio. We began discussing golf, Gord had decided the following summer he would like to take up golf again and thought I should consider giving it a whirl too. He continued to dream and suggested that we could put our boys in lessons when they are older and maybe in time we could be golfing as a family. So here I am....golfing, taking lessons and I've joined the ladies night. I come home and I want to tell him all about my night out. I'm also feeling sad that as I continue to improve I realized last night I won't have the opportunity to go golfing with him.
This moving forward is hard at times. Lately I look around at my life and it feels and looks so different. This week I looked at the same family picture I often look at. For so long I would look at the picture and wait for it to register, many times it didn't. Over the past few months I would look at it and reality would set in. Last night I looked at this picture and for the first time...it felt as though....this picture is now a part of my past. It's so hard to even type this. I've worked so hard to get this far, to move forward and I just miss him so much, I miss our life so much, I miss who I was with him.
I have many deep bonds in my life...but I am realizing that the bond I had with Gord was so unique...so special. Gord had a way of turning everything and anything into a discussion. He was so analytic. I can see now, that he played a a huge role in developing that in my mind. I use to go through my days noting things, analyzing...so I would have things to offer to the conversations. Everything I did had so much more meaning and purpose. My mind was so stimulated...so active. This is beginning to fade. Now I go through my day, I have many times where I enjoy the activities, times where I can be frustrated with problems....but I'm not analyzing as much anymore...I don't have Gord to share it with, to discuss it with. I feel like my mind is less active...with out him. I miss this so much. So often...I come home and my spirit drops.
This morning...I fell deep into mourning.My whole body aches; but my heart aches more.
This healing process, grieving process; it lasts so long. My mind. body and spirit has gone through so much healing and change but somehow.... all this healing and change is causing me to grieve the past more. I've gone through so many positive changes though out this process, I've grown and in many ways I've been healing and transforming, however; today I miss my old life more. It's hard to let go of Gord, let go of our life together...let go of who I was with him.
In the midst of this deep grief, I still trust that my life has great purpose. I trust that my boys and I will have a good life. I trust that although I am crawling out from an old life that blessed me so deeply, I know that I will rise with a new life, that I will be changed. I trust that although I will have to leave behind something that was so beautiful...the change will be beautiful too. What I miss the most about Gord is bringing about the greatest change in me....the desire to write and live out my internal world...and share it with others.
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