I wouldn't say I have writers block right now. I'm fairly certain that my fingers will write as freely as I allow them too. I will admit I feel inhibited. Sharing is becoming more uncomfortable...yet I still crave it. I think more than anything I am struggling with where I am at in the process. I thought it would look different by now. In many ways I am so different...in many ways the pain remains the same...I'm just getting better at living with it.
I'm a first time griever. I have no basis or foundation to look on as I go through this journey. I have read articles, books, blogs. I have been seeing a councilor since two weeks into the experience. I've really let go of trying to understand this grieving process or somehow make this experience more predictable. The past few days I have been low, bummed out...slightly in a depressive mood. At the same time...not really...because, unless I let anyone know that I am struggling...I come across as doing well. Which in some ways....I am.
Today I cried 3 times....each time it felt like I wouldn't stop. However...every time I did and I still managed to play soccer with my boys, do a road trip to Jasper with them to see a movie, get groceries, go for ice cream and go to the park. I fed them all their meals and snacks and put them to bed. I have my moments...but I push through and still make a good day wherever I can.
I miss him so much right now, all the time... I love Gord so much. I feel lost...because I thought that maybe over time the feelings would fade....I thought maybe the pain would fade. But now I realize that this pain is forever. The only way the pain will stop is if...the love stops.Then I proceed to think...but do I really ever want to stop loving Gord? It's impossible! I will always love him.
I can never see him again, hug him again, hear his voice again...but yet I know that whether or not I want to endure this pain; my heart will love him forever. I don't understand how this works...I've never in my entire life yearned for something so intensely while knowing that I will never experience his life on earth again. It's still hard for me to let go of my what my hopes were, what my ideals were.
It seems to me, all I have left to do...is accept the pain, accept the loss, accept that there will always be a part of me that loves Gord so much even though...I will never see him again.
Tonight I talked to one of Gord's closest people. He assured me that loss is ok, death is ok, pain is ok. It's all a part of life....it's a natural part of life. Enduring great loss is a part of the human experience...it is an important part of the human experience. It is how we grow and get to see life differently. It is ok...that I will have this pain for life...It is ok if I love for Gord for life.
I can see why Gord was so close to this person. I think this is something that Gord would say.
Objectively, I'm doing very well. This friend tonight also shared with me that although it may feel like I'm stuck...like I am not moving forward...he assured me that I am making leaps and bounds in my life and he was amazed at my progress. He said that I am living life well.
It's challenging for me to appreciate how great my life is right now....because I am bearing deep pain. My world often still feels like a bad dream I never signed up for. My world still often...doesn't make sense.
But that is not rational. This is how I feel in the moment...right now...maybe the past couple of days.
I still have a wonderful life....I just don't perceive it that way...right now.
What I can rely on for understanding... is the past 10 months to look on and how I have survived, coped and often times thrived. From day one I started making new memories...positive memories. I had good days, some great days and some amazing days. I've had many insights, epiphanies, moments of clarity and illuminating ideas. I have had many firsts as a young widow. This experience has also been excruciating, heart wrenching, debilitating. It has been stepping forward, falling backward and running in circles. It is still more like a maze than predictable journey. And although I so often feel like I'm regressing...weak. There is a side of me that knows that I am still in fact always stronger, always growing...always healing. I know I am always working towards acceptance, peace and understanding.
Wow, I'm glad I took the plunge and wrote this blog. This writing journey continues to bring me to new hope. Today I read an article about creative problem solving. The article touched on many ideas but what resonated with me the strongest was the idea that creativity leads to new ideas...new insights... which is one of the best feelings ever...which then can be shared with others. I am so grateful for this opportunity to create...for the opportunity to share.
When I started this blog I was feeling discouraged at the idea of having to bare this pain for life, ...but as I wrote it became clear to me that although it is for life....it isn't everyday. I have many moments and even days that are pain free. This pain...although often feels unbearable...has purpose, is natural and this experience, this journey is all a part of full human experience. Although it feels hard right now...there are many good days ahead, many great days to look forward to.
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