The past few days have been unusual. My life in so many ways has returned back to a new level of normalcy. I have relatively the same energy, I have resumed regular activity and even on days like today where I feel lost in my mind, lost in my soul we enjoy the day.
The weather, Canada Day, Danny's birthday, Gord's birthday. I feel in a haze, walking with constant thoughts, constant memories, constant planning. I have a difficult time retaining information. My mind is so busy....processing. But somehow in the haze,in the constant head chatter I can feed my boys, take care of the house, do activities with the boys, plan birthdays, cope with issues. Wow, no wonder I feel overwhelmed sometimes.
Yesterday when I went to the Fohn Festival in Hinton for Canada day. It felt as if it was just the day before that we were there with Gord. I had clear memories of the year before. I can remember it was sunny, it was hot! I remember all the people we ran into, I remember Noah was cranky because of the heat. Gord took him home early so Danny could continue enjoying all the activity. This year we left early, Noah was uncooperative...it occurred to me today Noah still doesn't like the heat.
6 years earlier on Canada Day at 42 weeks pregnant I was induced, then we went to the Fohn festival, It was hot and sunny! I can remember we were both beaming with excitement.
These memories keep following me. I remember we were so excited to have a baby. Danny came 2 weeks late; so by the time he arrived we were so ready. It was weather just like this. I can remember fans in my hospital room. I remember Gord was the first one to hold Danny. It was so amazing to watch this big burly man turn into a giant teddy bear as he gazed into his sons eyes for the first time. I had C sections, so Gord held both babies first. These moments were some of the most precious, some of the most touching moments in my life.
The intense grief I am experiencing is pouring out of me. I was hoping I would be better at this by now. I continue to experience these thoughts as if I just saw Gord; but at the same time it can feel like an eternity since I've seen him. I miss Gord so much. I can't really imagine how I am going to celebrate Danny's birthday tomorrow with out him. I know we will celebrate, I know Danny will be surrounded by friends, his favorite things and favorite food. With the help of a good friend I'm planning a Mario theme party. Actually, for about 6 months Danny has been planning a Mario theme party. Still, at least a couple of times a week Danny talks about his fondest memories of Gord are playing Mario Kart with him. Although I walk this journey with Danny I still don't really know what it is like for him. I got to have both parents growing up. I can't really fully understand what it would be like at 5 to watch your dad have a heart attack and watch your mom fall apart... But lately Danny has been stronger, happier and brave. I feel so proud of him, I feel inspired by him!
About six months ago, Danny asked for a new Mario game, but it came with a new gaming system. I wanted Danny to have some concept of what 300$ dollars looked like. Diligently, Danny started a program to complete daily chores to raise money for the new game and system. $60. My son raised $60 helping his mom out and I am so proud. Today as I expressed my pride to Danny, he asked if I have enough money to cover the rest. He said that he didn't want to use all my money to buy a system. He was willing to go without. My heart melted. I told him I promised we would still have enough; enough to eat. live and enjoy the things we love. He was so overjoyed. Honestly... my husband left behind some angels.
Gord loved Danny so much. Days after he was born he called him Mr.D. Once I asked Gord where he got the idea for the name and he said it would make a good name for a rock star or pro athlete. Danny was a wiggly little one. He would always rather be on the floor playing as opposed to being held as a baby. Except...with Gord. Gord had a way of taming Danny. In Gord's arms Danny became still. Gord loved Danny's enthusiasm and sense of humor. I can remember Gord saying. " He is such a friendly guy." Gord was so proud of Danny for just being the gentle friendly boy he was, but he also loved that Danny showed a certain brightness and curiosity. Danny continues to reflect so much of Gords disposition and nature. This morning when Danny was willing to sacrifice his dream game that he had been working for 6 months to earn, it reminded me of Gord. He so often put our happiness first. He made many sacrifices just to see us smile.
This reminds me that tomorrow...for Gord...we need to smile. We need to remember that is all he ever wanted for us. As much as our hearts break that he is no longer here with us, we can remember how much he loved us. We can treasure the memories and know that somehow he will be with us in a special way. I know, if he has anything to do with it, he will not miss out on his sons Mario birthday party.
In the early weeks after Gord passed I wondered how we would continue on. I thought our lives would be devastated. I thought losing Gord would mean that we would miss out on a good life. On days like today I realize that to some degree,we will never be the same. There will always be days like today...that are hard. That realization often makes me feel disappointed, but today I realized Gord is worth it. Our tears of sadness reflect the love we will always carry in our hearts. Somehow along with the sadness we also find joy. We enjoy each other, we enjoy our families, friends...we enjoy our world.
I'm still so grateful to have shared so many great memories with such a great man. He was an amazing dad...and my boys will forever know that.
I hope Danny is able to create new special memories on his birthday while acknowledging the memories with his dad. In some strange way, it seems both the past and present can exist together. Sadness, joy and gratefulness are the mixed emotions we continue to experience each day as we learn to live with our new life.
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