I'm still saying good bye, I'm still slowly letting go....accepting that Gord is no longer here. I still catch myself in disbelief. There are moments where I still feel shocked that this really happened. Sometimes I am still digesting reality. Sometimes it still hits me the hardest when I see my story through the eyes of others. People show compassion and express how hard it is... still... to believe this has happened, that they feel so sad that this has happened to my family and I begin to realize again, that losing Gord is such a great loss. I see how well loved he is and it fills me with gratitude to see others share in my suffering.
Last week I heard devastating news that a good friend of Gord's, an ex coworker in his mid 30's is suffering from terminal cancer. He has a toddler boy and a wife. My heart sunk. I felt this incredible deep sadness for the family. This man is showing so much courage, humility and strength. I can't for a second imagine what it would be like to grapple with facing your own mortality. I thought about all the trials ahead for this family, I shared whatever possible wisdom I could with this person and this family. I told him that so many people care and are praying for him and his family. I reassured him that I believe the greatest support, the most effective , helpful support I received through out this entire process is prayer. Everyday I continue to see how God continues to work in our lives and I know it is because we are still showered with prayer.
It takes an incredible amount of courage, faith and hope to endure tragedies, to rise above the suffering, to use the suffering. This is the greatest wisdom I can give, the greatest gift I have received in the midst of surviving great suffering is to use it! This deep suffering carries a deep inner strength that is beyond our comprehension and beyond logic.
I've also learned to try and figure out what is really important. How do you really want to spend your time?, your energy. We only get one life and the only guarantee we have is the moment. What are the greatest gifts in each moment?
I've realized that when you lose someone, you get to discover how deeply you can really love. I thought Gord was amazing when he was alive but I believe he may have had even a stronger impact now that he is gone. I've come to appreciate that Gord's work, Gord's life continues to bless others, bless my family, bless the world that he touched. He lives in so many of us.
This " passing on" that happens, that is so inevitable, that is entirely out of our control, that is so natural.... is so hard on those left behind. So many fear it, including myself. It doesn't always make sense to me why it has to be so hard. Why is love so hard?
These attachments and bonds we form through out our lives give us that warm,safe feeling. We all yearn for it, we all need it. When it's not present we can feel as though we have lost it...but the truth is...the bonds we form last forever whether people are present or not. In some ways when they are absent...the bond grows stronger.
My last piece of wisdom is to hold onto hope. In the depths of sorrow; persevere in the hopes that somehow.. even when there is a great loss, trust that someday, there will be a possibility this loss will be used for a greater good.
Perhaps the greatest gift in tragedy...is that it can bring a person to have deeper compassion for others.
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