This dark cloud continues to follow us. We are finding ways to make the positive weigh out the negative. Life is getting better...but somehow it hurts more. The pain has been intensifying...escalating. Danny is especially facing more intense emotion. The past week or so in my down time I would often experience feelings of deep sadness, emotional pain...my heart ached...sometimes my whole body would ache. Followed by these feelings I would experience guilt, I felt mom guilt. Often when I get out, I can completely leave the pain behind. It is my relief! I feel guilty because my down time is when I am at home...with my boys. I want to be strong for my boys....but lately...sometimes I just cry.
For Danny; lately it has been when we are enjoying life...that he falls apart. It is in our happiest moments that he misses his dad the most. We went to the bike park on Saturday morning. We were the only ones there...the boys loved running over all the obstacles, experimenting with the teeter totters. I also enjoyed watching them embrace their active morning. I found myself getting lost in nature, basking in the sunshine and taking in all the sounds and beauty of nature. At one point in the morning, a few teen boys were hitting jumps in the park, Danny and Noah were in awe of the spectacle.
Later in the morning Danny became emotional, he started crying...through his tears he expressed how much his dad would of loved being at the bike park with us, how he would loved riding his bike and liked watching the teens take jumps.
He was right! Gord would of loved it and although we were having fun...it wasn't the same without him.
We went home that afternoon, we held each other and we both cried....together. I felt like staying home for the rest of the day. I could of climbed into bed, hid under the warm covers and just laid there.
I'm living with the pain!
But I had plans. At 3 I met a friend at the driving range. All my pain fell away. I was so grateful for this break!
The Wednesday prior, I started dreading the upcoming weekend. I had no plans. This is such a tough cycle. I was struggling with getting off the couch, never mind reaching out and creating a good weekend....But I know it's my only relief, I know it's the only way that my boys and I have any chance of creating new memories, creating happiness. If we stay home and stay miserable...that is all we will ever be.
I hit walls, obstacles. I call people, text people...send messages. People are busy. Most people already have plans or out of town. It's difficult always being the person reaching out. So....I made a decision. I decided I was going to start living...with or without other people joining me.
My guitar teacher suggested I check out "Open mike" at the Old Grind on Friday night. I told a couple of friends I was going; hoping they would join. Without firm plans with anyone...I went by myself. I found someone I knew, they offered for me to join their table. Within a short time one of my friends was able to come. It was an awesome night, I ran into so many people I knew. The music was great...there was such a great vibe. I connected with so many people.
On Saturday, after the driving range I had no plans for supper...but I did have a sitter. I decided to take myself out for dinner. I also decided to try a couple of friends to see if they were available to join me, but I was going...with or without friends. To my surprise, a friend of mine with 4 little ones spontaneously replied she could meet me with in 15 minutes. It was sweet!
On Sunday I was offered to tag along with another family to do a hike. In the morning I reevaluated and decided that a hike with a 3 and 6 year old as a single mom could be more of a challenge then I was willing to take on. I passed on the offer and decided to head to Jasper just the 3 of us.
Before Gord died I would of stayed home as opposed to doing activities without someone to socialize with. Now...I've changed! Life will pass us by if I'm always depending on others. The boys and I had an amazing day together! We enjoyed each other, we bonded. Surprisingly...I didn't experience feelings of loneliness. I didn't feel desperate to find adult interactions. I think I filled my social tank Friday and Saturday. I relished in my down time and savored the time with my boys. Both Danny and I experienced waves of grief through out the day. The day really resembled a typical Sunday we would of shared with Gord.
But it was fun! It is better to enjoy life...with the pain, then to just have the pain.
I recently read that the only person that can be responsible for coping with loneliness is the person suffering from loneliness. It is my problem...and I am the only one who can solve it. It's unfortunate that it means I have to put myself out there over and over to try and create a life that provides companionship and socializing...or fill my time with activities that bring positive feelings to my life. But it is working and feeling self pity is not helpful...so instead I'm just going to keep living, keep getting out. I am going to persevere and continue to rebuild my life...
As challenging and painful this weekend was at times, in the end I felt like I had a rewarding and satisfying weekend. I think the most important lesson I learned this weekend...is that if I put myself out there enough I will find all the companionship and socializing that I need. As well, I was able to spend an entire day, just the 3 of us...and not feel lonely. With all this knowledge there is no reason to dread weekends. I can solve my own problems. I can create my own happiness...with a little help from my friends!
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