About a week ago I started writing a letter to Gord for Father's Day
Dear Gord,
Gord, you were an amazing father. Your fatherhood, love and devotion towards your boys are the qualities I admired and loved the most. You supported me as a mom and enriched my experience as a parent.
I can remember the day you came home to the news I was pregnant. You displayed a unique mix of emotions. You looked as if you had won the lottery...and in the same breath; like you had seen a ghost. You were going to live the dream of being a dad...but it was all going to be new!
When Danny was born you held him in his first seconds as he greated our world. I witnessed a dramatic transformation in you. I saw an instant deep love come over you. You became a dad.
I am so grateful that you wanted to have such an active role as parent. It began in the pregnancy stages when we read, compared and analyzed 3 different baby books. The best part was when Danny arrived we realized that all our plans needed adjustment. From that day forward we used our knowledge up against the reality of having a baby and the daily struggles as a parent and reinvented our own style. You courageously took on any role with the babies. In the first weeks of Danny's life, in the middle of the night you would visit me while I nursed up to 45 minutes with the book" What to Expect in the First Year" between your fingers. You would change him ,walk him, rock him, sing to him. However Danny was our easy baby.
When Noah came along there was a new confidence about you. You were experienced now...all the awkwardness of being a new dad was gone. Noah was our " challenging baby." He thought sleeping all day and being up all night was good plan. We averaged 3 hours of sleep each for the first month. I remembered I would nurse him and then you would walk him until he needed another nursing. We switched off every hour for a month...but you still had to work. You are my hero!
As the years continued you maintained your involvement. Around the dinner table you would ask for the latest updates in your boys developments, firsts and challenges. You were apart of all the decisions from bottle feedings, to crying through the night and potty training. Parenting with you was a joy, being a team made parenting more rewarding.
I love that your boys always captured your heart, peaked your interest and consumed your heart.
They still know it and remember how much you loved them. They remember all the ways you were present to them, all the ways you took interest in them and all the ways you cared for them.
Danny often talks about how much he misses playing video games with you. I had no idea it was such a bonding activity.He misses skiing with you, biking with you, swimming with you, reading with you, sharing all his successes and all the things he loves with you. He is so much like you. He is kind, gentle and friendly. He is bright and loves to be active, loves to have fun. He loves star wars and super heroes. He wishes he could share all this with you...and so do I.
Noah wasn't able to hang onto the same amount memories as Danny has been. However; I remind him everyday how much you loved him. Noah has your enthusiasm and a laid back nature that reminds me so much of you. He thinks he is either Sonic the hedgehog or the The Hulk most of time but every once in a while he calls himself Noah.
I'm so thankful for all the sacrifices you made and the way you supported me. Thank you for listening to me about nursing, bottles, soothers, temper tantrums, diapers, potty training, colds, flus, highs, lows and compete confusion. Thank you for giving me breaks, taking to boys so I could clean the house, buying medicine in the middle of the night, getting up with Noah at night, challenging me to be tough when I needed to be and reminding to be soft when I was losing patience. You helped me to be a better parent.
You had a very special connection with both of your boys. I thank you for all the ways you loved them...all the time you spent with them. In the end, your love is what matters most to them. We appreciate all you ever did for us but mostly we just are so grateful you loved us so well.
We had a memorable Fathers Day, spending time with family, enjoying all the fathers in our lives and remembering you. As well we took in one your favorite family activities at the water park. It was another day where both joy and sorrow exist at the same time. Within minutes of the boys playing in the dolphin pool, I began to cry, They were so happy...and I was so happy for them but I missed you so much at the same time. It is the oddest combination of emotion. I had spent two weeks wondering how we would get through Fathers Day without you, and my boys were the happiest I had seen them in a long time. I just wanted to share this joy with you. They are so brave! Noah was fearless in the spray park, on the water slides and in the wave pool. Mike took Danny on a zip line. It was a little beyond my comfort...but they both loved it. I told Danny you would of thought that was so cool. Danny responded,`` Dad was there right beside me, on his own zip line, you couldn`t see him because he was invisible...but I knew he was there, and he loved it!``
Danny on a zip line with his grandpa Kinsella, Uncle Mike, and cousin Emily.
Gord, you remain to be woven into a deep part of our fabric, into a deep part of our beings. We continue to adapt to the change in our relationship. We are still finding ourselves holding onto to wanting to share our human experience with you...but it seems like in our moments when we finally let go, when we embrace the joy that is still to be found...that we feel the closest to you. I know you are still so close to us. I know you continue to parent your boys from a far and support me ways that I may never fully understand.
Thank you, We love you! Happy Father's Day!
I also want to thank all the people that continue to support us and help us through this time. I thank all the men in my life that love my boys including my brothers, my dad, my father in law, my brothers in law and many other men that continue to be positive role models for my boys. No one will ever replace Gord but it helps to know that we are so well loved! Thank you especially to my dad for also always guiding me, loving me and supporting me. You have played such instrumental role in shaping me and helping me become the person and parent I am today. I love you!
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