Stress...is like a horrible disease that robs of you of sleep...can cause you to under eat, over eat. It undermines your strength, reduces your immune system It can cause head aches, back aches and nausea. Stress is awful.
The nasty cycle. Once I am under fed, under rested, feeling sick and sore...my mind starts. It can spin, it can become negative...emotions rise. My brain stops functioning properly and emotions can change on a dime. I make silly mistakes and do and say things out of character...that in turn cause more stress. My cravings rise and will power fades along with the exhaustion. Next thing I know I've eaten nachos, drank wine and when I'm still not satisfied I've retired to ice cream. I wonder what's wrong with me the next day when I feel awful.
I'm learning...slowly...how to break the cycle.
Yesterday...I hit a wall. I had been struggling with stress for too long. I became exhausted and overwhelmed. Stress often translates into grief. I miss Gord the most when life gets too hard.
Yesterday after I wrote my blog...I retired to the cool basement with my boys and settled in to watch the LEGO movie. Ahhh!!!, within minutes I was out...napping. After the movie I had regained some energy. I knew it was time to refill the tank.
Two things I 've learned to overcome stress: ...reduce stress and add as much goodness to my life as possible....without resorting to vices that add to stress.
I've come to understand that resilience is a choice. I have to choose to bounce back. I have to climb out from under that nasty cycle and find a way to that place where I function on a normal level. I spent a couple of hours at the splash park with my boys. Sunshine, their smiles, reading and relaxation began to restore my spirit. I came home to the nanny and took myself out for supper. If I can't date my husband, I might as well date myself. Luckily; a friend was available at 6 pm on Saturday evening and indulged me for a 2 hour conversation over the phone, while I enjoyed myself on a patio at a restaurant. I finished my evening with a stroll through the boardwalk and then finished the night watching a silly romantic comedy and balled my eyes out. Great Saturday Night!
Today I woke up with a change in attitude. A part of me accepted that as hard as it may seem at times to face this world without Gord, I can in fact; still face it. And although it was easier to make big decisions with Gord, I can still make decisions and cope with the outcomes as they arise. Gord use to say to me often, " It is always better to make any decision, then to not make a decision at all."
I have expressed so often that I miss how Gord grounded me. He somehow would pull me out of my emotions and show me the big picture, the whole picture. He would help me to be objective. This morning I used my mind to imagine, " What would Gord say?" To be honest my mind was too busy to really hear anything, but I applied his principles of trying to be objective and trying to look at the whole picture. It helped, my mind began to calm...I got some perspective and I made some decisions.
Just making decisions brought relief, then I filled my day with the things in life that fill me, that bring me joy, the confirm the hope I believe in.
I feel like I overcame another obstacle, like I have found more understanding, peace and acceptance.
This life without my Gord, without my husband... is the hardest trial I have ever faced. But it is still a life. I'm still alive. I can either be crushed and crippled by this tragedy or I can grow, learn and find satisfaction in all that life still has to offer. It was beautiful day today. I was in the company of good friends while my boys were covered in smiles and laughter. The sun was shinning...and there was a few times we caught our selves sighing and saying to each other, " It's a good life!"
This loss will always be apart of my story... Gord will always occupy a part of my soul. A part of me will always miss him, but I'm coming to realize that it's not a matter of trying to understand why this tragedy happened...but rather what I am going to learn from it and how am I going to choose...to live with it.
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