Final Destination

This is my 100th blog post. Since January I've written  and published 100 blogs. Starting this blog has been a real adventure and leaning curve. It's pretty wild that I've been purging my emotions and posting it online. It has been such a positive outlet for me. I'm so grateful to all my followers, I don't know who you all are but I know there are many and I truly appreciate the support. The loneliness continues to be my greatest struggle. I wonder if it will ever pass, if I will ever just be content. Sharing this blog and just knowing people read it, somehow really fills a void for me. It makes me believe that somehow others are walking with me, perhaps understanding me and maybe even relating to me. Sharing the pain and struggles of this journey in writing has been my bond to hope. There are still many days where my mind spins...I'm looking for answers, solutions, peace and acceptance. I find it....my mind somehow organizes, simplifies and answers, understandings appear. Sometimes I am faced with doubt, insecurity and anxiety in sharing my blog. As my mind continues to become more centered with reality, and begins to find the straight lines I sometimes realize that I have revealed so much of my heart, so much of my life.

However, I continue to have people encourage me to continue sharing. So I will. My goal is to share the hope that I find so that others may continue to find hope in their struggles too.




It is also been 8 months today since Gord passed. I finally found my way back to my old stomping ground this weekend. It had been since before September that I had been to St.Albert. I really felt like I had finally arrived. I had that feeling when your body relaxes and enjoys the familiarity that it has been yearning  for. I dropped the boys off at Gords brother and sister in law. I was looking forward to a weekend off in the city.

After the weekend at the cabin I was more mentally prepared for strong grief triggers...but they never really came. I did feel the void everywhere I went. I went to 5 different friends and families houses and every time it would cross my mind...Gord should be here with me. But the thought  just came and then drifted away. It is always such an amazing feeling to be surrounded by my closest people, the people who have known me the longest. I feel so supported, loved and encouraged. They tell me how proud they are of me...for pushing forward, trying the make the best of really hard loss. Their love compensates for the loss, for the void.

It was so wonderful to have a weekend off from the kids. I loved being cooked for and eating at high quality restaurants. It felt so good to be taken care of.

I had fun...I enjoyed all my visits, shopping at WEM, and going to dinner theater with a friend. I laughed, I felt carefree ...I felt young again.

My mood dramatically shifted on the drive home. This time music couldn't fill the void...the loneliness, the disappointment...the loss. I really found myself missing Gord. I really wanted to share this awesome weekend with him and wanted talk about it, relive it with him. However, I had no one to talk to, no one to come home too. As we pulled into Hinton Noah began to cry, the closer we came to home to more resistant he became. He repeated with determination, "I don't want to go home." He continued to cry while I unpacked. After 10 minutes of refusing to leave the vehicle, he finally resigned himself...he was home.

It was only minutes of being home that Danny fell apart. He missed his dad. The void was huge, we could all feel it. We went from being surrounded by so much love back to our home where we have gone from 4 to 3. And the void Gord left is huge. All I saw in front of me was two devastated boys, I was exhausted and it felt like all I had to look forward to was responsibility and loneliness.

Some of this reaction is normal. I was sleep deprived. I really made an effort to be responsible on the weekend. I know I have to self care. I know getting enough sleep is the difference between me enjoying my ride home and becoming emotional the whole ride home. After the dinner theater I ended up at my cousins playing poker. I was playing aggressively in hopes to either win quickly or lose and tap out. I knew I had to get to bed. My cousin questioned, " What is the big deal Jen?"  I explained to him that I don't cope as well when I am tired and I still have to be a parent.

If there is any lesson I have learned over the past eight months, it is self care. I have to know and respect my limitations, I have to surround myself with people and activities that help me to stay positive. I even have to manage how much positive activities I have. Rest is key, it is the most important element to me maintaining balance. I worked 3 days one week, I managed but I stopped sleeping well. I wasn't unwinding. Now I know, only two days a week. It's not worth compromising.

Despite the fact that I continue to feel a sense of loss, disappointment, despite the fact that my boys still are lacking luster and we continue to mope through our day, there is still hope to cling to. We still do have a good life in Hinton. There are so many things we enjoy. Taekwondo has ended and so is teaching...but I have started guitar lessons until the end of June. As well I am joining the woman mountain bike club and I've been invited to join a beginner ladies golf league. It sounds like alot but it's only two nights out a week. The summer whether brings so many fun activities for the boys and I. We can so easily be outside and I look forward to days at the splash park and beach. After weekends like this I question living in Hinton, I wonder if  being close to family would curb the loneliness but I know for now...it will follow us. I am doing so much to curb the loneliness and it is helping but there is no cure. There is no bringing back Gord. Some days...that is the all that we want.

I know that the normalcy that Hinton brings is playing a huge role in helping my boys and I to continue to thrive with such a loss. We are so established in the community. I have an amazing support system. Danny has friends he has had since birth. I am established in all the elementary schools. We love all the outdoor activities Hinton and Jasper provides. We love Hinton! I think I should still hold onto all that we have here.

As well I conquered another first. I traveled home. I went to 6 different locations from one end of the city to the other. Typically Gord would of done all the driving. In the past I would've been anxious to have to go to unfamiliar destinations. I wasn't confident to get to any of these locations but that did not deter me. I wanted to. I did it! It wasn't all seamless but I was expecting challenges. I stayed calm, I 've had to cope with much worse. It was so worth it. I had a spectacular weekend! I am now stronger than I was before. This  makes me feel empowered...this brings me hope. I officially feel like I have my life back! I have resumed all regular activity, I am engaged in all previous relationships and get out everyday. I have conquered another first...going home to St.Albert/Edmonton.

Other than getting through holidays, going home was the last major first I had left to conquer. I know there will be many more firsts without Gord but this was the last first on my to do list.