Still Healing, Still Persevering...Still Holding onto Faith and Hope

I'm so tired, exhausted. I feel weak and I ache...everywhere. I keep thinking I'm getting sick..but I'm not...I'm tired and I'm sad. I'm making so many efforts to break through the sadness....but it's as if my body won't let me. I feel like I just want to wrap myself in a blanket, hold my boys and watch movies. I feel as if I'm sick...

I keep telling myself...try to be grateful, try to find the good, try to stay positive...but I'm in a fog, a haze..., I feel numb...it's not working. I'm tired of planning occasions without Gord, I'm tired of having to make life decisions without Gord, I'm tired of facing problems without Gord. I'm tired of trying to be strong for my boys when all I really want to do is cry.

Today Danny passed his swimming lessons, I told him I was proud of him and that his dad would be proud. He is having kindergarten graduation this week. I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I'm tired of facing it all without Gord.

I'm so tired...

I'm telling myself to breathe, to be patient. I know this will pass, I know in a couple of days, maybe even tomorrow, maybe even this afternoon, I will find my energy again, I will find my resolve, I will be the confident, strong person I want to be. I still believe misery is a road I want to avoid. I still believe that my happiness, contentment and satisfaction is going to be the pillar and model for my boys.I still believe we all have the potential to still  live an enriched life. I still believe we can make the best of this life.  I still believe that we can be resilient and thrive. I have to keep fighting, I have to believe that this will get easier, that I will continue to heal, continue to grow, continue to become stronger.

It's hard to slow down...sometimes I wonder if that is all that it is. That my body needs me to slow down...needs to process, regroup...self care.

Sometimes living is merely that...surviving. I need to accept that I may not thrive all the time. Sometimes I think I just need to repair, mend and heal.

Today, for me.... being strong is accepting that I need to have patience in this healing process and keep faith that I will heal. Keep the faith that God is with me, that many are walking with me, and that this will all one day have a greater meaning, a greater purpose...a greater good.