In the early weeks after Gord's death I found myself numerous times in my doctors office. He wanted to keep a close watch on me. Everyday was so odd, so unpredictable...even just within days after Gord died I can remember having good days. That was more confusing then the bad. But no matter what type of day I was having I felt drugged. I remember my heart racing at random...sometimes for hours. Sometimes I would feel so overwhelmed by emotion, other times numb and other times I would feel high, euphoric. I so desperately wanted to understand what was happening to me, to my body, to my soul. I wanted to know what to expect. I wanted the ability to anticipate my mood. I can remember the doctor informing me that this type of traumatic loss effects everyone in a unique way. He said to expect good days, bad days, good weeks, bad weeks, good months, bad months. He said the key...is to not get stuck in the grief. So far, so good...I have managed to avoid being "stuck."
This week, unfortunately is turning out to be one of those bad weeks. Today I am weepy, as far as I can tell, life is not triggering this mood. I've been pushing through since Sunday. I have a heaviness, I feel tired, lack of motivation. I have things in my day to keep me interested, to keep me going. But the truth is, I don't feel like doing anything.
Raindrops keep falling. I gaze out the window and I find myself feeling connected to the weather... to nature. Everything is grey, foggy, misty. Nothing is moving, everything is still...there is a chill. I enjoy the green blooming everywhere, it is becoming full and bright. I want to just stare. As I sit in my living room, tears slowly drip down...I feel like I could sit like this all day, like the tears could fall all day.
Danny is sad often these days too.Father's Day is approaching. They have been talking about Father's Day in Danny's class since May. Since May, there has been many days where he comes through the door and begins to cry about missing his dad. He will tell me that they talked about Fathers Day...
On the first of June, on the way to school I thought I would help Danny try to cope with the anticipation of what June is bringing. I reminded him Father's Day is approaching. He responded, "How do we celebrate Father's day with out dad?"
I reminded Danny that he still has a dad and always will. I recapped that his dad is always with him in his thoughts and and in his heart and that he is always watching him and always loves him. I told him that I understand it's not the same as him being here with us. I asked him if he knew any other good dads in his life. He quickly listed all his grandpas, uncles and even other friends fathers. I suggested we could make cards this year for our dad in heaven also for any other great father like figures he knows and loves. I told him we will celebrate your father Gord and as well, other fathers too. A smile lit up across his face...Yesterday he came home from school and excitedly came through the door and enthusiastically exclaimed that he made a tie for his grandpa for Father's day. There was no sorrow to follow.
I felt relief. We are going to get through this month.
Last night I had reoccurring dreams. This has happened occasionally through out this grieving process. Last night all my dreams were about Danny. He was usually far away. I can remember one vividly, I was at the top of a cliff. The land was dry, dessert like. It was hot. I could barely see Danny. There were dangers...I wanted to warn him. I don't remember what the dangers were...but he was out in nature by himself. I tried yelling...he couldn't hear. I felt so helpless. I just wanted to save him and protect him. I had a similar dream like this over and over and over all night.
Reflecting on these ideas, I can see now why my spirit is unsettled, feeling lost...feeling sad, full of sorrow. My heart has always broken for my boys loss, this month is gripping me. I can't quite put it all together yet.
I also think my dreams are perhaps a representation of how I felt when Gord had his heart attack. There was nothing I could do....but I would've done anything, I wish there was something I could have done....to save him. There are so many stories....where people get a second chance, I wish Gord could have been one of those stories.
We are planning to be with family for Father's Day. I know this will somehow make the day special. We can remember him, share stories about Gord...breathe him back into being and then the loss... begins to fade away...we can remember how he touched our lives and we can acknowledge that somehow he continues to still enrich our lives everyday.
No comments:
Post a Comment