Sidelined!

Gord was fascinated by the real world. Anything and everything could be researched, discussed, analyzed, synthesized and evaluated. He loved observing ideas from many different perspectives and angles. To the rest of the world it seemed obvious that Gord's intelligence was at a level of being gifted, unique and abstract. For Gord...he had a different view. Gord's perspective was that he always had  more space, more room to learn...to acquire. He often confessed to me that although academics came so naturally to him; he really didn't believe he was the genius everyone believed him to be. He said he often felt overwhelmed about  how much more there was still to learn about, to understand. 

Real world drama and real world super heroes was Gord's true passion. Politics and prodigies!

 He was highly interested in the people of the world...that had it all figured out, had reached their potential.  From musicians to athletes to favorite writers and actors, Gord enjoyed learning and researching, analyzing and discussing these individuals at great lengths. He wanted to understand what separated them from the ordinary. What made them special?

Sidney Crosby...the epitome of today's modern prodigies. He was highly regarded during drafts picks. He went down in NHL history with the coined phrase, " The Sidney Crosby Sweepstakes."   His talent  and abilities at such a young age has astounded many. Gord also was amazed by Crosby's achievements.  He was Gord's real live super hero. Gord's idol!

Gord had a way of diving in and really imagining what life was like for the likes of people like Crosby. Gord thought he must be an exceptional person, a real man of character to carry all the pressure that would come with so much accomplishment and success at such a young age. 

On Jan 1, 2011, in the Winter Classic; Crosby was hit and it resulted in a concussion.  His head was shoved into the boards 4 days later. Evidence of a major brain trauma began to appear, symptoms began to escalate. He was off the ice for 11 months. 

Gord often talked about the this tragic event. It was also a real hit to hockey. Gord tried to empathize with this tremendous athlete. Full of curiosity, Gord would wonder, " Imagine what it must be like to be at the height of your dreams...to be experiencing so much success...to have the eyes of the world on you and it ends all in a second. How do you cope with that? How do you spend months just watching...sitting on the sidelines, waiting to recover and heal, so you can reenter the game?

This memory of this conversation has been sitting with me for months. I've been thinking about writing about this for months..but I hesitated. Writing about the most popular Canadian sport along with the most popular hockey player is intimidating...but I finally decided it was worth the risk. 

I often feel like I relate to Crosby, like I have been sidelined. I was at the height of my dreams, I was in a happy healthy marriage. I was coasting through life enjoying all the blessings that follow such a wonderful union. Life was relatively easy, I often had that blissful , carefree, warm feeling. I felt comfortable and secure. Being married to Gord was a heavenly experience. Along side of my children, being married to Gord was the best thing that happened to me. It was the happiest, most rewarding, most fulfilling time in my life. It all ended in a second... on a dime. Now I'm on the sidelines.! I watch married people all the time now. I notice things I didn't see before. 

Generally I'm not a person that struggles with social awkwardness...but now I do. At functions where there are many couples, I find myself clinging to my phone. I don't want to be that person but....

Couples have the luxury of relying on each other. In the lulls of conversation they can simply lean in to their spouse and have a quick chat. I notice how comfortable couples are with each other, how they communicate quite easily with just glances and shoulder shrugs. At the end of the night...their night continues, they go home together, swap stories, good news and maybe even annoyances. I go home...alone. I remember what I am missing.

I've been sidelined! I have to recover... I want a full recovery. It may seem like Crosby's  reentry into the game was perhaps premature. After only 8 games back on the ice, he found himself sidelined again due to reoccurring symptoms for another 6 months. There is value in waiting, in waiting for readiness, waiting for the healing to be complete. Like grieving, recovering from a brain injury doesn't have an end date or time frame. It's unpredictable, it's mysterious, it's unique to each individual. Improvement can be deceiving, you can feel like you are moving forward and then find yourself regressing back to similar symptoms experienced in the beginning. 

I miss being married. I want to get back to that place again. I want back in the game. I want to get back to the happiest time in my life. I know it will be different, I know it won't be Gord...but I know it could be good for similar reasons. It makes sense to me that I want this again. This single life is fine...but I know a healthy marriage, a good relationship is better. However, my heart is still healing...my heart is still with Gord. I'm still mourning him, grieving him. I'm still adapting and processing. I have to heal! It's hard to be patient, it's hard to watch, to wait. I know what I want...but I also know I want to wait. This has been one of my greatest challenges on this journey. The loneliness...the lack of companionship. I have to put in so much effort. To avoid these feelings I have to plan every weekend. Often times, plans don' t happen. Right now I'm planning out my whole summer so it doesn't end up feeling like one long dreaded weekend. This is so much work. Grieving is work, building a life is work, adapting is work, helping my children cope is work. However, it is important work. I know it is worth it, this is why I am motivated, why I am healing, why I am moving forward. I am motivated because I know what I want. I want to get back in the game. I am also trying to embrace the healing process. I can reflect and see that part of my healing process has been through writing, taking music lessons, Taekwondo.  This opportunity to rebuild myself, learn about myself...actualize my potential is happening now...while I walk this alone. Perhaps....when I meet someone new these coping tools will begin to fade out. This is a unique time in my life to pour my rich emotional world into developing my gifts...my passions. When I am healed I am going to have so much to offer. As a previous athlete I understand the value in conditioning, in rebuilding. The hard work, the training that can often feel unrewarding at the time, is the foundation of success. As a teen, I wish my coaches would of explained to me the value in conditioning, it would of helped me to be more motivated, more committed...a better athlete. But now I know!

Reflecting on Gord's words regarding Crosby's unfortunate injury brings me comfort. It helps me  to believe that somehow Gord knows and emphasizes with my trial.  That he understands how hard it is for me to sit on the sidelines. This brings me great consolation to think that my closest person could still somehow understand me, be there for me during this time.

“Going through (recovery) so long and making sure there wasn‘t still any underlying things and forcing myself to (be completely healthy), it might be a different story. Maybe I wouldn’t even be playing now. Looking back, as frustrating and long as it seemed, I am happy with the way that it went.” 
- Sidney Crosby

It was counter intuitive for this intense athlete to accept that he needed to rest. It was hard to stop when he was running full steam. But he did! He did recover! When Crosby did finally return a year and 1/2 later he was strong. He also talked about how he reentered with no fear of being re-injured. He was ready to play. Within a few games of returning he took a puck to the face and it broke his jaw but it did not trigger any effects from the brain injury. He was resilient! He was healed!

I know at the end of the day...some day...I will look back on this journey, I will be glad I climbed every mountain, I will be glad I worked through the grief, rebuilt my life, my identity. I will be grateful for the all that I learned, all the ways I have grown and I will be grateful for every moment I was able to share with Gord. I will be glad that I made myself strong and healed so that I will have the best possible chance of having a successful future. I will have the best chance of being resilient!