Mixed emotions are swaying in my mind. I try to grab hold...of just one thought. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Another occasion...another special day, I have to celebrate without Gord. A part of me feels sorrow, however... another part of me feels grateful, special...in some ways I feel like the lucky one. I get to still be here..to be a mother to my children everyday.
I get to hold them, see them...share with them...talk with them..play with them. I get to experience their love. Tonight a friend was signing a card. She has four kids and says she gets tired of writing all their names. Humbly...I reminded her...you get to write all their names. In the past 2 weekends we have gone to 4 birthday parties including Noah's. I have had to sign 4 cards with only 3 names. It stings a little every time. Today we went to two birthday parties and today I found myself thinking....at least I can still write my children's names.
I'm alive..my children are alive. I just don't want to spend the whole day experiencing sadness...when there is still so much to celebrate. I love being a mom. It is an amazing opportunity. I love my mom. She is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known...and she is still alive. I have so much to celebrate.
One thing I often miss the most in my life is simply....feeling cared for everyday. Gord cared for me everyday. Tonight....I feel cared for. People in my life continue to intentionally go out of their way to take care of me. It really does make me feel loved...it makes me feel special...it reminds me I'm cared for. Tonight the door bell rang...they expected me to be out...but I was home. A huge heavy gift bag was being lugged in my house by a lady from church. She asked for my boys...but they were already in bed. She explained that she had thought I was out and had really wanted my boys to sign a card and it was suppose to be from them. Honestly...that is just so sweet. Melt my heart! She said that there were many that contributed. I am overwhelmed with this! So unexpected, so thoughtful. I know it will touch my boys too. As well, a close friend took it upon herself to plan and book reservations for my family to join her family for brunch in Jasper tomorrow, followed by time at Miette hot springs. People really care. That kind of feels amazing at a time like this.
I think one of the key reasons why I love to be a mom, why I feel like I can be proud as a mom is because I had someone always standing behind me, always lifting me up...always challenging me to be more than I thought I ever could be. In this letter I want to recognize two key, special individuals in my life.
Gord...was my biggest fan! He use to refer to me as "Mom of the year!"
Every time I had a good story about the boys, Gord would pipe up and say," Time for another mom of the year award."
He made me feel like I knew what I was doing. I would often come to him with ideas and he would simply affirm me and encourage me. He also believed the best in our boys...so even if it seemed like it was all falling apart...Gord had faith in all of us. He always brought me to reality...as a mom I was prone to worry...sweat the small stuff. Gord helped me to keep the big picture, the larger goal. He reminded me... in the end...according to him...we will have great kids!
I know Gord is still cheering me on...I know he is still proud of me. In many ways I have had to accept that I can't be the same mom I was before Gord was alive but in many ways I can see that...in some ways I have become more. I now know what I truly want for my children. I just want my kids to have full, rich lives...where they feel empowered to be who they want to be, achieve what they want to achieve. I want them to feel loved and at home in their world. I expect them to be kind and loving. I expect them to be their best. Whatever that looks like for them! I want them to find contentment and satisfaction in life. I know that contentment isn't about always getting what you want...it comes from being satisfied with what you already have....being grateful for all the blessings in your life and feeling hopeful towards striving for dreams. I want my kids to be resilient, to stay strong against adversity. I want them to love themselves fully, even with their imperfections. I want them to feel satisfied with themselves. I think these values will help them to have a good quality life. I don't play as much with them as I use to..but in someways...somehow I think I love them more fully. I really appreciate the gift they are to me everyday! Even on the bad days. I will take the bad days! They are worth every minute!
My mother is also a key player in my story, in who I am, in what kind of mother I am today. She has been there since the beginning and knows my spirit, my soul. I'm so fortunate that my mom and I have a close bond. She has also empowered me in my life. She has really encouraged me as a mom and makes me feel like I'm a good mom. She has formed me in so many ways...that I will probably never fully comprehend. I know she has carried me in her heart, in her prayers everyday of my life. I'm am so fortunate to be so well loved by her. Especially the past 7 months...I know she has thought about me, prayed for me,cried for me, loved me and helped me every single day. I feel so grateful for all that she has done for me...I really wouldn't know where to begin.
A part of my soul aches knowing that Gord won't be here tomorrow...but a part of me just feels loved. My boys and I are alive today...and that is an amazing gift. Today I'm going to savor the joy of being a mom. Gord is not here to show me all the ways he cared for me...but it seems like..I am still well cared for.
I love you Gord, thank you for helping me to be all that I am.
Happy Mother's Day mom. I love you. Thank you...for everything!
You Raise Me Up - by Josh Groban
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ&feature=kp
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