Hard Costs!

Hard costs! What are the basics? What do I need? What do I deserve? What do I want?

I was at height of my life. Everything I  had... seemed to have fallen together so naturally. I was so relaxed and content. Life was easy! I was not protecting my heart. I was carefree...I could be...I trusted Gord completely and fully. I had given my heart completely... I wasn't holding back...I wasn't hiding. I was in love...

Such an amazing thing to experience...when two souls can live so closely....like one...and share their world. I thought having this relationship was saving me from ever needing to try.... to have this again. I thought...I was done with trying to find someone. I loved the idea of never being alone...of having one person...that loved me. I imagined forever. I really thought with my entire being that Gord and I would make it...much longer. I thought my family would beat the odds...of being a statistic. I thought my boys would always have two parents that loved each other, that wanted to be together...to raise them together. It was a dream of mine that my children would have both parents...consistently in their lives...everyday.

It's gone...all of it. All these dreams...died with Gord in an instant. I'm alone again. My children have only one parent. We have been traumatized.

It's not fair. WHY??????

This happens...life isn't fair. I'm not the first person...to lose my dreams in a second. It happens to many...all the time.

Is dreaming worth while then?....If it can all end on a dime, should I try. Should I dream?


Lately...a new word continues to revisit my mind. I resist it...it means patience, it means letting go....it means acceptance. The new word that follows me....infuses into my soul, into my spirit...is humility...

I need to be humble. I  need to be grateful, for what I was able to have and what I still have now. Gord was never mine....I got to share an amazing relationship with him for 10 years. But I didn't earn it, I didn't deserve it...it was a gift. If I choose to have a sense of entitlement then I will feel ripped off for the rest of my life. Feelings of disappointment and sadness is the response to loss.  I did lose Gord, but eventually I have let go of that past, I have to let go of the loss. I have to accept that life won't always go my way or the way I  imagined it. One day, I purged all my emotions to my councilor. I expressed freely how Gord loved me unconditionally, we loved each other unconditionally...I could not believe I lost this. I still often experience disbelief. She responded and informed me that finding unconditional loved in a marriage is one the most gratifying, rewarding, wonderful experiences a human can ever experience.

 I found it...one of the greatest treasures on earth. It's lost!

This is just my internal world....I'm still processing....all the time.

I miss venting, debriefing...I had someone who I could share everything with...even those things you shouldn't say, those things you shouldn't think...I could still share them with Gord. You know those thoughts...those thoughts about others, yourself...life...Secrets...you would only share with that person that cared for you entirely...cared for your soul.

I'm a talker. I work things out by talking.  Sometimes I just have to sort things out on my own now. I'm also starting to keep a private journal for those thoughts that need attention but can't be discussed with others. You know those private thoughts...I just use to share with my spouse.

My internal world still demands so much attention.

However, my external world...is opening up. There is so much about my life I still love. I'm really loving substitute teaching. It is stimulating to have a new reason to get out of bed,  to get dressed up. It's a great change of pace. It gives my days and my life focus. I love kids! I love a challenge! I love socializing! I also love to be able to leave my responsibilities at work and come home and be able to be present to my boys. I love just working a little and having days at home too. Down days are also awesome for so many different reasons. It's giving my life more balance, purpose, and it's providing me a greater sense of identity.

I really enjoy my kids. I'm discovering I have way more energy...and I'm so much more engaged with my boys. I feel so privileged to play such an instrumental role in forming them...in helping them grow...in watching them become independent, wonderful boys. When I am with them... I am present. They bring me so much joy...so much life. Their love is so pure, uninhibited and full. It fills me with love.

I have filled my life again with so many people and activities...there is just so much to do and enjoy. I'm discovering how to live without having a husband. Families include me in many activities...I find plenty of adult time. I am closely bonded with many people. I have rich relationships. I'm discovering I have single connections, I'm realizing that I do know single people..I'm starting to network.  I love to be active, I love to be outdoors, I love music and I love to write. It's working...there are many times...even just today that I feel like I love my life again.

How can I feel so devastated and enjoy life at the same time?

My heart is still mending...my mind is still processing...but I'm starting to dream. I'm really beginning to find hope and purpose.

I'm also adapting. I'm starting to feel confident and strong...even as a single mother. I've been doing this for almost 7 1/2  months and I'm starting to believe that I'm not just ok...I'm starting to believe I'm happy...content...perhaps even excited.  I can do this! I can depend on myself to find my own happiness. I can create my own happiness, I can create new dreams! This feels empowering! It feels like I'm moving forward...like I'm healing.

I'm starting to believe again. If I found unconditional love before...I will be able to find it again. I am feeling like I can be patient....just having the confidence that life will at some point in time provide the opportunity again.... I can wait for good timing...the best timing. I can wait for the right person. I am in no rush. I'd rather do it right again.... and wait. In the grande scheme of things...this just happened... and I still have a full life ahead of me.

We don't always get to decide how our world unfolds. Sometimes it can all change in a second. I invested 10 years of time, energy and love....Is it worth it to invest, to dream...to try...even if you might lose it all? Is it is worth the price? The cost?

Absolutely, I wouldn't trade one minute with Gord to avoid this tragedy. I would do it all again! It's all worth it. Life is worth it! The pain is worth it. Loss is worth it. Just to live...to experience your dreams for even a second...it's worth it. At the end of the day...I won't be thinking about what I lost...I will think about what I have gained, what I have learned...what I have experienced. All of it! There is a higher cost...a larger loss of not investing at all.

I often feel the absence of Gord...the absence of love.

But somehow...my spirit has hope and believes there still a life ahead of me. I'm not afraid to live...to love! I know it is worth it! There are hard costs in life, but somehow...there is always something gained.... it is worth the price!