Camp fires,family, friends, ...kids with their cousins from dawn until dusk. Laughter, drinks, food and lounging in the sunshine. I'm anticipating another first! Getting geared up for a weekend at the Kinsella cabin. So many memories! It was a happy place for Gord. When I think of the cabin and Gord;... I think about the Margarita machine, Gord whipping up drinks for everyone. I can picture him carrying out trays of cups and straws to the camp fire , him beaming with pride with his creations. I remember on sunny days, tossing the kids in the water, going for boat rides...wake boarding...I also remember lounging on the beach during happy hour watching the kids play in the water. I remember walks in the bushes...sometimes late at night...to the rope swing. I remember parties, many parties...birthday parties! Bonfires...music...singing! I can remember dance parties when it was raining, game boards and even quiet days of just.. reading. It's all coming back to me...and I can't wait to make the drive tomorrow with my boys.
Something has dramatically changed for me. It's amazing. I'm feeling the same, the same as I did before Gord died. I have the same energy...I'm having the same kind of days...the same kinds of thoughts...the same kinds of conversations. Today I had two conversations...just about life today. That was kind of big moment for me. I've stopped spinning...I feel grounded, peaceful and settled.
My family has also been anticipating this opening weekend at the cabin to be a big first...for them. Some of them expressed concern for me. I'm so ready for this. I told them I cope with firsts almost everyday.
I'm not afraid anymore. I no longer fear the sting of grief, the waves of grief and sometimes even floods of grief...I know I can handle it, cope with it, grow from it. It's changing! I'm more open to it...sometimes I welcome it. It's often a pleasure to remember Gord...even if it hurts. It is the oddest mix of emotions.
Now that I'm more open...more peaceful...my memories are filling out...my imagination is bringing my memories 3 dimensional...or maybe just to another dimension.
Last weekend I had the nanny booked for Saturday night, but I didn't get as far to book plans for myself. I went to Saturday mass, all by myself...I still missed most of it...my mind was busy...somewhere else...processing. After church...I needed to pass time. I wanted the boys in bed before I came home.
My brother presented an interesting suggestion...He suggested I go sit at the bar in a pub. He told me to just go for a drink, order an appy...if someone comes to chat, great... if not, whatever, enjoy your drink and go home. He said it can be a great way to meet new people...new single people. I told him..I thought only guys did that and that I am not looking! He assured me, girls do it too, and it's just a chance to meet new people.
Weird...I thought. I never imagined this. I never thought I would be contemplating going to the bar by myself to meet people. I think I need to wrap my head around this ....but I like the idea of being able to socialize on a Saturday night without needing to rely on others to get out. I posted this idea on the young widows site for feedback...Interesting; guys encouraged me and girls were skeptical...protective, although some said it's a great idea...just be careful.
For now, instead I decided to drive. Driving and music...the best. Driving towards Jasper is sweet too, especially at dusk. I love how the mountains become soft...faded, quiet!
My imagination, my memory is strong. It's amazing what the mind can recreate!
My mind began to wander...I found myself thinking about Gord. Drive time in the van was our break...the kids were contained, I can picture us with coffee, music...and then conversation. I could picture him right beside me. I could imagine him with his black cap, his favorite green shirt. I can really remember his blue eyes. I could imagine his mannerisms, his smiles and his laughs. I could feel his quiet, calm presence., I could imagine his enthusiasm, his energy. His disposition,so laid back...yet happy and cool. It was like he was right there.
But it hurt....I wanted more. I began to weep...I was desperate for more...to hear his voice...to feel him hold my hand...to really see his eyes and hear his laugh. I stayed with it though, I stayed with the memory...I didn't push it away. I didn't want to. I held on...even with the pain.
A month ago I was overwhelmed at the idea of packing, hauling the boys out of their environments for the first time in 8 months. I lacked confidence that I could cope with the stresses of being away from home. However...now I want it, I desire to take it all on. I can do it, I can manage it. Even if it is stressful...I'm willing to put in the effort. I guess... this what ":ready" looks like!
I expect this weekend to be healing...healing is often hard work. It demands perseverance! It means hanging in there...even when it hurts.
At least the fire in our hearts...can burn together!
It will be interesting how it all plays out. I welcome the adventure!
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