Little Cub!

Had another celebration! Noah is 3! Overall it was a memorable day. I'm challenging myself to embrace change. I'm beginning to substitute teach again. I seem to find myself more in Kindergarten and grade 1. I love this age...they are so pure..so full of energy..so full of life. However; the challenge as a sub with this particular age is they have a hard time with change....they struggle with transition...and really love routine and predictability.  So.... throwing a new teacher in the mix can cause anxiety for these little ones. One of my favorite subbing experiences was with Danny's teacher. It was probably 4 years ago. I was amazed by what the students had already learned and as well I was impressed how easy she made my job. Her routines were so solid...I merely became a facilitator as the students ran through their day. What really made this day magic was she had coached the students on how to cope with change. She taught them... convinced them change is good...change is fun! They bought in and informed me they couldn't wait to see how the day would be different...how I would be different...they embraced the adventure. It was awesome!!!

I'm challenging myself to adopt the attitude that change is fun. I'm making efforts to see change as a welcomed adventure. I'm finding myself excited to see how life plays out...to see how I will adapt.

When Gord was alive, we would typically celebrate the boys birthday on a weekend or in the evening so he would be present and be able to support me in hosting a party.The boys would have to wait to open their presents until dad was home from work. He left at 6 am..... too early! This year...it's different. I decided to start a new tradition.

Noah woke up to a huge present waiting for him on the counter. I loved his expression. . He had just woke...still coming to. His eyes became larger and larger and his mouth fell open. He clasps his fists together, began to jump and shouted with his face full of joy. " IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

Danny came running out of his room. The anticipation took over....the excitement filled the room. Everything he pulled out of the bag he was so happy he could barely handle his own emotions. By 6:45 am my boys were enthralled with Noah's new gifts. I found a way to make this change fun!

I followed up with one of Noah's favorite activities. Making pancakes! Then continued onto his favorite activity...eating pancakes. The day began on such a high...I could tell he felt special.

I did find myself thinking about Gord and how much he loved Noah and how much he always enjoyed celebrating. I thought about how dedicated he was to Noah. On special occasions we have started a habit of watching the power point that was created for the funeral. Yesterday; I paid more attention to the pictures that had both Gord and Noah. There were so many...so many of Gord carrying or holding Noah.

Gord was so proud to be Noah's dad. When Noah was a baby Gord would return from work, scoop Noah up in his arms and carry him everywhere until bed. He was so proud, he was so confident. They were so bonded. Gord had many nick names for his boys. He called Noah cute madute, Noah baboa and little cub. He loved Noah's enthusiasm and charm. I have memories of Gord spending hours following Noah around the cabin during the summer,  getting up with Noah in the nights. I have a difficult time getting back to sleep if I get up in the night so Gord and I made an arrangement that worked well for both of us. He would get up with Noah in the evenings because he was able to fall back to sleep immediately and I got up every morning with the boys which meant Gord slept in on weekends. But... what a great dad, what a sacrifice! It was so adorable. Gord would get up with Noah in the night...put on the news and fall asleep holding Noah.

They share common interests...they both LOVE food! Noah has also developed interests in video games, super heroes and star wars...all of which Gord would of been so excited to share with his son. They have similar dispositions. Noah has a real coolness about him. A deep center....he has a quiet calmness...contentment. His gestures and the way he carries himself often reminds me off Gord. He kind of holds his arms a bit to the sides when he walks, like Gord did.  Noah enjoys to play independently for long periods of time. Reminds me of Gord and how he could get lost in activities. Noah is also so warm and friendly...always with a smile...like Gord. Noah loved Gord so much. When Gord would come through the door from work, Noah would drop everything and come running. he would start jumping, saying dad, dad, dad. It was always a celebration when Gord came home.

A week before Gord passed he went to Vancouver for a leadership course. My dad came down for  the week to keep me company. I found myself lonely when Gord was gone. I use to have a hard time going a week...now it has been over 7 months. With everyday Gord was gone Noah became more and more difficult. He started to have melt downs and temper tantrums. He tested everything...everything was a battle. When Gord came home Noah just wanted to be with him. The next day when Gord went to go grocery shopping on his own, Noah lost his mind at the thought of Gord leaving again...so Gord took him with him.

This is kind of heart breaking....I was fine when I started this blog....now I'm trembling.  Sometimes it seems so unfair that Gord was ripped out of our lives in a second. We loved him so much! All 3 of us. We still need him...but now we have to create a life without him...

The first months after Gord died was so unbearable for my boys. The absence was often more than we could even begin to understand. Both my boys lost weight...about 5 lbs each. That is so much for their size. They continuously were unreasonable and irrational...there were so many temper tantrums. Noah didn't want to leave the house for months. We were all devastated. I think we all 3 of us really thought it was the end of the world.

I became so dedicated to bring them back to security. I was so focused on helping them to regain their stability...rebuild their appetites and sleep routines. We all got so sick...for 6 six weeks....

However...here we are 7 months later. We are settled, we are stable, we are secure. My boys are both healthy and have been since January. They are both happy and thriving in their lives. Somehow...even though there are still  many days we wonder how our world can make sense without someone that made it so complete...so full....we find ourselves...OK...sometimes even happy. It was the end of Gord's world here..but it wasn't the end of ours.

I'm really learning how to adapt to change. I'm learning how to be flexible...how to make the most of this loss...but there is a deep part of us...that has been shaken to the core...that will always wonder why we had to lose such an amazing man, an amazing dad...and amazing husband.

Sometimes...I feel so grateful to have been so well loved...to have had my boys been so well loved. Overwhelmed with gratefulness...overwhelmed to tears!

My boys may always long for their dad. But in ways...they will always have a great dad to aspire to. They have nothing but happy memories. They can see pictures, hear stories and even have their own memories of  how well loved they were...and because of that... I know they will grow up to be amazing men themselves.