I've been dedicating the past months to making the best of this life. My brother used an analogy and suggested that I have lost my best card but I'm staying in the game. I'm making this hand work. Sometimes I still feel like I'm losing. On the other hand my mom likes this analogy because she thinks as long as I keep playing, there is a good chance that the perfect card could come and make my hand even better than I could of planned it.
I've already worked two days this week. Both were decent. Tuesday I still carried the after effects of the weekend at the cabin. The not so happy effects. The sadness and sorrow still flowed through me..but work kept me strong...positive...moving forward. I've also found a new passion in Taekwondo. I'm not aiming to be a black belt ninja but I have reveled in the intensity of immersing myself into the sport. Yesterday I tested for the next belt level, I felt accomplished. Today, working felt natural. I truly enjoy working, I like my job! I know I am fortunate to be able to say that.
Speaking with my mom this evening she pointed out that I haven't written in a couple of days. I assured her that I just don't seem to have the urge...the need to write as often. My mind seems busy...thinking about my kids, my weekends...my future. I'm starting to spend more mental energy living in the present and planning a future. This seems so promising...so hopeful.
But something is missing. I'm doing it all right...but at the end of the day...I know what I am missing. Tonight I watched the finale of American Idol. There was an assortment of performances from many popular bands, musicians and pop artists. The finale was the only show that I was guaranteed to have Gord watch the entirety. There were many performances tonight I'm sure he would of appreciated...I know there were also many he would've been a bit of a "Harsh Harry."
For me...I came to watch a finale of American Idol. I was feeling exhausted and I was looking forward to have something interesting to watch on TV. I settled in for what became a trigger fest. It seemed like every song was a love song. Lyrics talking about giving one self entirely, lifting off the ground. Song after song retelling my story...my story about Gord and I. A story that ended....but left so many feelings.
I can't forget the feelings. I remember what it felt like to have support, to have companionship. I remember what it was like to be loved, to be held. to have someone to vent to, laugh with...cry with. I remember what it was like when I didn't have to plan my weekends to avoid loneliness and boredom. I remember when I had someone to plan a future with, to parent with. It was more rewarding, more gratifying and more satisfying.
I also stared thinking about all the other lonely people. I know there are people like me, watching the same show, crying the same tears. Missing a feeling..that they once knew. Why? Why does have it have to hurt so much? Why do we have to live without? Why do I have to live without? Why does there have to be so much struggle and fight? I fight...every day is still a push. I'm fighting to get back to place that made so much sense to me...but it is gone. What am I fighting for?
I'm fighting for hope...hope that life will fill me again...the way it did when Gord was in my life. I believe this is possible. I have to believe this is possible.
Tonight I can see that my life is generally going well, I'm moving forward and I am healing. However; I am coming to realize.... that I could have a sky filled with silver linings...but it is just not the same as gold.
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