First thoughts!

Another first!

When Gord first passed; every morning I would wake and for a second...it would be like nothing had happened....then it would hit me...Gord is dead! I remembered thinking

" Will I ever wake up and have a normal morning or thought ever again?"

Over the past months I wake up and my mind starts. Starts to spin, starts to process. Often there are mornings...by the time Danny has gone to school...I think my mind may have covered more thoughts than I use to have in a one day. I would either be sad about my past or anxious about the future....and confused about the day. No wonder I'm always exhausted!

This morning was new for me. My first thought was...it's Thursday. My day began to unfold in my mind. I remembered I had taekwondo in the evening. I needed to plan a birthday party for Noah. I was hoping to celebrate Noah's birthday in the city with family. Some unforeseen variables to go to city had been thrown in to mix and I need to adapt. I need to problem solve....I was just thinking about today! This is a first!

What a relief! I am off the wheel. I am not spinning.

I've been attempting to control my world, my thought and emotions. Control is a strong word. It's about having power.  At a time in my life when I have felt so powerless to circumstances that have happened, I have so felt so powerless to my life..it makes sense to me that I want to find something I can have power over. Especially myself. At times this ride has been too powerful, like a strong wave. All consuming at times...I felt like I had no power over my thoughts and emotional world.

However, a part of me knew that I had influence. There has been a predictable pattern where my mind comes to some realization or reality. It will make sense to me but somehow I won't be able adopt my own understanding.

It takes time. My heart needs time to process. It seems like my heart needs more time to digest. It does appear over time....as I begin to walk forward with new understanding...it does become a new truth.

Lately I've been feeling like I really just need live day by day. I've been wanting to let go of needing to know how everything will play out. I've been wanting to just believe I can cope with problems as they arise...believe I can adapt.

Today I woke up, all I thought about was today and I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward to living my life, the best I can.

I'm feeling empowered. It's empowering to see I do have influence over my mind and emotions. I have been wanting to change...I was attempting to influence a change in my life. I have been making efforts to have positive thoughts and create a more a positive emotional environment. I've been writing trying to convince myself that I am not at the mercy of life...of my emotions...of this ride. It's true...this process needs to take it's coarse...but I can still do what I can to stay positive...to stay a float.

There is so much about this world...I really don't have power over. This experience continues to challenge me and be unpredictable...but I'm discovering that I can adapt and I can influence change in my life, in myself. I really do want to embrace the adventure, embrace the mystery, embrace today!